Chapter Seventeen

I know you guys were really worried that Victoria was waiting in Bella’s home, ready to eat her, so I’ll save you some tension. Alice is standing in the living room, looking incredibly confused to see Bella.

Bella throws herself into Alice’s arms, crying out her name in ecstasy. No, really. I’m serious. Then of course, she starts crying, and Alice has to carefully extricate herself, on account of Bella smelling delicious and Alice being stupid and thirsty.

For once, in the year since the Cullens left, Bella now feels like everything is okay. Oooookay. Vampire addiction much?

Also, Alice wants very much to know why Bella is still alive. Bella quickly assumes that Alice saw her fall–she corrects her with “I saw you jump.” She’d warned Edward that this would happen, but he was convinced that Bella wouldn’t break her promise to not do stupid things. Edward doesn’t know Bella very well.

Alice is here to help Charlie deal with the suicide of his daughter. Only, uh, here she is. Bella insists she wasn’t trying to kill herself, it was just for fun, and Alice flat-out doesn’t buy it. And besides, didn’t Alice see Jacob jumping in to save her?

Remember how Alice is most sensitive to non-humans? Well, guess what. She can’t see werewolves. Yes, werewolves are invisible in her visions. Their only predator, the only other thing that can take them out, and she can’t see them. She is weresighted.

How ridiculously convenient for the plot, wouldn’t you say?

This comes up after Bella finally spills the beans that Jacob is a werewolf (so much for keeping the secret). Even though none of the vamps ever said word one about werewolves and how they’re dangerous and how they can kill vampires, Alice knows enough about them to know that they have a stupid short temper and young ones, especially, are known for loosing it.

Oh, P.S., Victoria is here trying to kill her. Why Alice didn’t have visions of that is beyond me. And she wouldn’t have seen the werewolves trying to save Bella. Why did it take a suicide attempt to bring her here?

…Does Alice want Bella to die? OMG please say yes

Bella relates the whole story, sans her Edward hallucinations. Alice comments on how Bella must not be doing so hot now that they’ve left, and she’s all “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA NO REALLY HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.” Alice mentions in passing that maybe she shouldn’t have come, and Bella has a panic attack, throwing her arms around the vampire again and begging her not to leave.

This girl needs some serious medication.

Jacob calls at this moment to check to see if Bella is still alive. When she confirms, he hangs up on her. HA! I love this kid.

Uh, let’s see. Alice is in this chapter, which you’d think would please me a great deal, but it’s still incredibly boring. Alice hunts, uh, Bella cleans and is now super happy because her magical super fun family of vampires still remembers her, uh… Edward doesn’t hang out with the family much anymore because he’s just so tortured and angsty… and Charlie finally comes home, depressed over his dead friend. Alice apolgizes over the horrible timing of her visit, but of course Charlie is okay to have her over. And Bella goes to bed.

Yawn.

Bella wakes up to Charlie and Alice talking about her in the kitchen. Charlie explains that for the first week, Bella didn’t eat or drink anything, and wouldn’t move. (Despite that Bella explains she only missed one day of school during her period of depression). He didnt let the doctor see her though, because he was afraid it would scare her. Riiight. Renee came up from Florida after that to take her back with her, but as soon as they started packing clothes, Bella snapped out of it, and threw a fit, screaming about how she could never leave. Ooookay. After that, she would move and eat and you know, sustain herself, but she broke all her CDs, she didn’t read or watch TV, and she never called her friends back. Hey, her friends actually gave it an effort! So I guess I can agree with their decision to just give the hell up on her. Oh, also, she screamed in her sleep. Did we ever mention that?

Man, Bella is a freaking mess. We are supposed to feel sorry for her, we are supposed to empathise with how much she truly loved Edward, but she’s just pathetic. She’s worse than that, she’s near psychotic. These are not normal behaviors for being dumped. These are not normal behaviors, period. Someone should have checked her into a ward a long, long time ago.

Psychiatry is for everyone, Bella.

Charlie clearly blames Edward for all of this, but not to any sort of realistic extent, like, you know, physical or emotional abuse. I mean, every girl goes completely catatonic for a week after they get dumped, right?

“Not like someone… left her, but like someone died.” His voice cracked.

It was like someone had died–like I had died. Because it had been more than just losing the truest of true loves, as if that were not enough to kill anyone. It was also losing a whole future, a whole family–the whole life that I’d chosen…

Sooooo sick of how truest of true lovingly truly loved she was. You two had nothing in common. He berated you, insulted you, controlled you, used you, and let’s be honest, you only loved him because he was gorgeous.

Augh.

Charlie and Alice both sound like they’re pretty fed up with Edward, at least, which I can appreciate. Bella decides to pretend to wake up at this point. Charlie leaves for the res to help his friend’s family sort out their affairs, and Bella catches up with Alice. The Cullens are doing random stupid things (back in school or remarried again or whatever), while Alice was trying to research her previous family.

“My birth was announced… and my death. I found my grave. I also filched my admissions sheet from the old asylum archives. The date on the admission and the date on my tombstone are the same.”

Snap. Life basically sucks for Alice. But do you see her curling up in a ball, sobbing and vomiting everywhere? No. Why weren’t these books about Alice?

Uh, Bella does chores. It’s… it’s really awesome, you guys. There’s a ring at the door, and since Alice can’t See who it is, they assumed werewolves. God, Alice, your power really sucks.  Alice vacates as Bella goes to check the door.

And now I am finally caught up.

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75 Responses to “Chapter Seventeen”

  1. Lioness Says:

    “for the first week, Bella didn’t eat or drink anything”

    I thought the rule was that three days without water would kill you? Damn it! Stephanie fails at life, the universe, and everything so bad that I can’t even begin to fathom how she is still alive!

    (P.S. – First-time commenter. Love these recaps! Love ’em!)

    • Rat Queen Says:

      A good rule of thumb is that three days without water will kill you. However, at minimal activity, with moderate temperatures and a humid environment, it’s possible to live 7-9 days before dying of dehydration.

      However, at that point, you would require hospitalization and intensive care. Also, since she wasn’t even getting minimal fluids from wet foods, dehydration would have moved much faster.

      Fabulous research there, SMeyers.

      • Moonshade Says:

        Maybe Charlie started to care and shoved a bottle of water down her throat.

        Or an IV. Or something.

      • Are you kidding?

        Charlie probably didn’t even notice until the dishes started piling up, and his laundry wasn’t done.

        • sociolinguist Says:

          Dishes? No way, Bella was the one who did all the cooking. You know he was just going to Jack in the Box three times a day.

  2. I just want to punch Bella in the throat. Repeatedly. Forever. Amen.

  3. Rat Queen Says:

    *bows to Rachel* You are amazing.

  4. I can’t even think of a way t omake a play on words of the Truest of true loves thing without it sounding horrible and creepy. Yuck.

    • Moonshade Says:

      Because everyone knows that ABUSE = TWU WUV!!!!!!

    • It is the cheesiest line ever it makes me laugh so hard “truest of true love”. How did it get published. Even fanfiction would put love in better words. It just makes sound bella like someone delusional with mental age of 3 year old

  5. Forsakentale Says:

    Is it only me who finds Alice comforting Charlie a creepy thing? You know, Charlie the “me likes your best friend O’ daughter of mine”
    And whats with all the ecstasy name calling and the “nham you are delicious Bella”? Homoerotic scenes are allowed now?

    PS: I love your tags, You should make T-shirts with them u_u

  6. Android 21 3/7 Says:

    Ah, so we have a summary of Bella’s mope period. There’s something weird about this neighborhood. The neighbors really should have noticed (especially with the nightly screaming). Why hasn’t child services been called yet? Is it because she’s 18? Okay then, why haven’t the police been called yet?

    • Or, you know, someone (Bella, Charlie…anyone? Anyone? Bueller?) doing a search on WebMD for something like “constant, horrifying dreams” and come up with night terrors? Or someone telling her “Damn bitch, get you to a shrink and on some meds!”

    • But, see, this is a small town. And small town people are stupid, clearly. When we hear children screaming bloody murder in the night, we just think that it’s good ol’ fashioned discipline the way God intended.

      When our kids come home all scarred and bruised after spending time with their new significant other, we assume “that’s just how love is, and, hey, she’s clumsy”.

      When our daughters don’t eat for weeks and are comatose for three months after being dumped, we just chuckle and say “hey, love hurts sometimes.”

      We don’t have Google or any of that fancy city psychiatry. There isn’t nothin’ wrong with our kids that can’t be fixed by ignoring the problem until it goes away.

      • Think how much of a clutz Bella has to be in order for no one to bat an eye when she “falls downstairs and through a plate glass window.”

        What I want to know is, did they stiff that hotel with her medical bills?

        Because that is bullshit.

  7. i love that are you doing these recaps and everything. But now i’m thinking about reading these books for myself to see how truly wretched they are…I have always been a glutton for punishment.

    • Nadramon Says:

      Go to the library if you absolutely have to but please DON’T buy them. You have no clue where the money goes… Plus, honestly, you would do your wallet a favor.

      • oh yea. I have no intention of paying for them at all. And i’m a little embarrassed to be seen with them, especially hearing how bad they are. Maybe if i have “War and Peace” in the pile it’ll make it better some how.

        • sociolinguist Says:

          When you’re at the library, go their periodicals section/reading room and grab the biggest, thickest magazine you can find–probably a science mag, which will have the added benefit of making people think you’re doing the exact opposite of reading Twilight. Then, go find Twilight. Go back to the reading room with the science rag draped around the front and back covers of the book in your hand. When you read it, flip the magazine open first, then prop the Twilight book open, lining up the spine of the book with the binding of the magazine, and nobody will be the wiser.

          • Jetpacking Werewolves GO!! Says:

            Yes that’s a good idea but when you go to check them out the librarian Looks at you. I felt so ashamed.

  8. Softspoken Says:

    What’s getting me is that Alice described her powers as most sensitive to non-humans. That really does imply two groups: humans, and non-humans. Non-humans also implies a greater collective, else she would have just said “vampires”.
    Except she’s blind to werewolves.

    So… Are there zombies comin’ up soon, or what? Because if there isn’t another non-human faction, Alice was trying to be sensitive to using the word ‘vampire’, which… I don’t understand.

    Also: psychiatry is for everyone. Honestly I should go talk to a shrink for a while.

    • Millenous Laughter Says:

      Given the situation, I think mermaids would be a better fit.

    • Later the Smeyer makes a distinction between the shapeshifting wolves of the Quileute, and actual werewolves, because one of the Volturi has a bug up his ass about real werewolves.

      The Smeyer has a mermaid story waiting in the wings.

    • Laser-shooting Chupacabra. That’s what Alice was referring to.

  9. So there`s a true love hierarchy? There`s “true loves”, “truer loves” and then, right on top – “the truest of true loves” ! Interesting…..

    (It`s also interesting how they come in plural! What are you insinuating, Smeyer? You naughty gal! :p)

  10. But don’t you know? Psychologists don’t exist! This is fiction!

    Also, mental illness is really caused by little demons living in your body not being with your twu wuv! You just don’t understand!

    … I wish it were more like Romeo and Juliet, really. Then we wouldn’t have four books.

    • Android 21 3/7 Says:

      Think it’s because Bella might have converted to Samentology?

      • Miiiight be.

        “Psychology is a lie. All mental illness is caused by body wolfens. Clear yourself and rise to your true form, the Fursploding Wolfen.”

  11. Bella should have died. I feel so bad for you. Just because [i] someone [/i] had to save the wretch, you have to keep martyring yourself to post updates.

    And what’s this I hear about tension? Tension, just like foreshadowing, doesn’t exist in Smeyer’s world. Obviously, we knew it was either Alice or Edward (since the other vampires don’t matter apparently) because having Victoria there to kidnap or kill her would cause [i] tension [/i] and BELLA WOULD PROBABLY DIE!

    *cries* Why Smeyer? Why did you have to picture yourself as Drug? Why couldn’t you just kill her and be done with it?!

  12. Laerasyn Says:

    *sigh* Enjoy Jacob being awesome while it lasts…

    Random off-topic question: Have you ever been to tvtropes.org? If you haven’t, I think you would enjoy reading the entry for Twilight. As would most of the other readers here. :-)

  13. Truest of true loves…dear god. I think there’s only one tier above that, and it’s “true-true-kachoo”. Jeeeeeeeezus.
    And how come Alice couldn’t See that Bella (being on the course she was currently on, ie THE IDIOT TRAIL TO REPEATED NEAR-DEATH) would um, jump off cliffs and drive motorcycles into trees? And if she DID See it, why didn’t Edward order ger to go back to Forks and take care of things? Do these people EVER act in character when it would make sense to do so?

    • This is because Alice, like all sane beings, in fact hates Bella.

      OOOHOOHIDEAAAAAAAA. Bella’s got Haruhi-like powers! So, they can’t let her die in case the world ends with Bella, and they have to humour her in case she gets pissed and destroys the universe.

      Which she’s done several times, in order to create her ‘perfect’ Edward. The Cullen family are really a joint-op between various groups of espers, time-travellers and data-entities. The werewolves a group of data-entities that are is rival of the group in the Cullen collaboration.

      … I have a far too active imagination.

  14. truest of true loves Really? REALLY?

    God, Alice just bite her already.

  15. BELLA. NEEDS. TO. BE. FUCKING. FALCON. PUNCHED.

    Oh and so does SMeyer, but that’s a given.

    And you need cookies for recaping this awful shit. And a purple heart.

  16. I, honest to God, gagged at the “truest of true love” line. I don’t get an urge to throw up my dinner from litterary works. Ever!
    Think I would’ve become anorectic from throwing up every now and then after reading those books… not that it appears to get any better either.
    Why can’t some Werewolf or Vampire go nom on her soon? Or why couldn’t Jason or Freddy Kruger take a trip to that place!? OH WHYYYYY!!!!!!!

  17. Too bad they didn’t accidentally bury her when she was effectively comatose for a week. Bonus scene with Jacob and Charlie, standing next to Bella, in bed, in flannel Repel Boarders PJs, doing her best impersonation of Kurt Russell as Captain Ron: “I dunno: is she dead…?” Cue crickets chirping as one of them pokes her with a stick….

  18. Oh! Here’s a thought! Why not rewrite the book the way it was MEANT to be (read: how we want it to be)?!? Seen from the point of view of the other characters, with actual emmotions instead of the über angsty shait the little twat subjects us to. And they would actually be IN character instead of the flimsy bad fanfiction like quality it has now. Now there’s a book I would’ve read.

    • THAT WOULD BE AWESOME!

      “Is she for real?”

    • Moonshade Says:

      You know, maybe Smeyer would do well to get a ghost writer. Preferably one who can smack her upside the head with a frying pan.

      • People would notice right away if someone ghost writ for her. (Or not, since the fans might not care, and the haters will not read the books.)

    • I would be lying if I said I had never considered this.

      The problem lies in not getting my ass sued. If I were to say, make a parody, Fair Use might protect me. But it’s not a guarantee. I’d have to be really ridiculously careful. Smeyer just strikes me as the kind of gal to sue over a little copyright infringement.

      • that-one-person Says:

        Actually, I read on a news website that she stole some of Breaking Dawn from a 15-year-old. That explains some of the immaturity, but 15!? How low can she get???

  19. Millenous Laughter Says:

    Well, let’s give Mrs. Meyer a little credit here (preferably very little). She claims to have never read, watched, or listened to horror stories before – particularly not those dealing with vampires/werewolves.

    Can you imagine how difficult it must have been to write a story about vampires and werewolves without knowing anything about them from popular or classical mythology? No wonder the story sounds dumber than Vizzini’s impression of Fezzik – it took all her wits just to think of a character who drinks someone’s blood and is otherwise superhuman!

    • Well, there is a little concept called “research” and with the internet it kinda makes it a tiny bit easier since you do not have to rely on small libraries from high schools and what-not. Then again, considering the track record Meyer has thus far for researching some things…

      One does not have to grow up with popular/classical mythology to gain an interest in such. Plus, she had to hit a point where she entered the world and lost the rose-tinted glasses and was exposed to popular culture… or did she live under a rock?

    • how did she even know what little she does know, then? I mean, she knows enough to know vampires – generally as per modern fiction – are super-strong, fast, beautiful, feed on human blood, are (un)dead, unable to reproduce* (as generally being undead; as generally of books 1-3’s canon), and avoid sunlight. werewolves are big, strong, scary wolves that shapeshift into said wolves from human form.

      now granted i might be able to give someone the benefit of “not researching a creature” to make sure it’s as original as possible if they weren’t 1) obviously basing a centuries old creature off modern folklores’ take, and 2) a terrible author, whereupon this ‘no researching’ method serves as a further point of how asinine these books are

  20. Ok, I can’t let these plotholes slip by. ..I know that these are tiny spoilers, but I have to let them go.

    Hole #1: Alice’s visions. SMeyer states that Alice can see non-humans best, right? Well, in like the 3rd or 4th book she has to explain this anomoly of not being able to see werewolves. Apparently, since Alice never encountered them while she was human, she can’t See them. Because she knew vampires (her creators) and humans, that’s all she can see. Which mikes her powers slightly more useless. Especially because SMeyer claimed that Alice also uses her powers to follow trends in the stock market -__- Hence the Cullen fortune.

    Hole #2: It’s a major sticking point in the 4th book (and I think I’ve mentioned it before) that the “werewolves” are not TRUE werewolves, but shapeshifters. I don’t need to explain the significance of the difference since it doesn’t pertain to this story, but HOW THE FUCK DOES ALICE KNOW THIS? I mean, unless werewolves and shapeshifters are so goddamn close that their INDISTINGUISHABLE, Alice shouldn’t know a goddamn thing about the behaviors/erratic mood swings/fursploding of Jacob and the other injuns.

    [/rant]

    • Moonshade Says:

      Apparently Smeyer explained the invisible werewolves away by saying that they were too ‘erratic’ to predict– that they’re governed by stuff like fursplosions and that crap.

      And yet she can’t see stuff that’s set in stone and decided, like an alpha’s orders to his pack. THAT is the major plot hole I’m seeing.

      And I’m guessing that Alice couldn’t tell the difference between werewolves and shapeshifters because one of the Volturi hunted real werewolves to extinction. Yup. They say it in one sentence in the last book, because it’s not NEARLY as interesting as Bella and Edward’s Baby-Sue.

      The only reason I mention this is that I feel that there were much bigger, angrier, more obvious plot holes in the series (BD especially) that deserve lynching.

      Like the fact that the FIERCEST, MOST POWERFUL VAMPIRES ON THE FREAKIN’ PLANET have never been to Brazil. Not only that, but Aro has never touched anyone who’s been to Brazil. They haven’t even heard a rumor of a story of a thought that might have involved Brazil, so THE OMNISCIENT VAMPIRES WHO KNOW ALL are unaware of basic facts known by THE BRAZILIAN CLEANING LADY!!!!

      If I had bought a book I would have burned it. (Un)fortunately, I got a pirated copy on my laptop, and I wasn’t about to throw that out the window.

  21. Damn. Damn. Damn. I would have put money on Edward actually having been communicating with Bella telepathically. Damn you Smeyer for being so clever as to tell me exactly what is happening leading me to believe that there must be something more to it since there’s no way I’m being-told-exactly-what-is-happening-since-that-would-be-boring. You clever little bitch. Tricking me by being so freaking simple. *headdesk*

  22. Sarcasmfeeder Says:

    New shirt idea!

    ‘I only wear these glasses because I’m weresighted. I use them to read books… and, sometimes, Jacob.’
    Pic of Alice from movie (maybe one of the baseball ones…) with crudely drawn or cut-and-pasted Harry Potter glasses.

    I’d buy it.

  23. No one is allowed to go on about “truest of true loves” type of blather and expect to be taken seriously unless they are in The Princess Bride, which is a wonderful, wonderful book and film.

  24. omg i hate twilight…. ive started to hate it even more recently. i was at school the other day in science and me and a friend we’re joking around about bella and edward when this new kid comes up and starts trying to hit us. she was screaming her head off about how good edward was and that we were just jealous. i being the stupid person i was said. ‘how could i be jealous of a f*cked up pedophile who stalks you and watches you sleep.” the girl screamed and throw one of the glass test tubes at us and then started trying to bite us. turns out she can bite quite hard and glass being thrown at you hurts. our classmates pulled her off us and she got expelled. me and my friend now have a few scars and i hate twilight even more then i ever could

    • Oh. My. Gods. I don’t think there is any fandom out there that has fans as rabid and psychotic as Twilight….except maybe Hitler and his NeoNazis….this frightens me. Glad you are ok.

      • Android 21 3/7 Says:

        And that she got expelled. Goodness gracious! I’m ashamed at my own squeeing fanspasms in my past. I wonder how she’ll react if/when she’s moved on from Twilight and realized how stupid she was being about it.

    • my gosh how old is she?

  25. the girl or me? im 14 and she was maybe 13 or 14. when we gave our account of what caused it to the headmaster he was like “what??????” she’d told him we were disrespecting the bible. in her mind twilight was the bible. that was the scariest thing

    • Either, and that is straight up crazy! (twilight doesn’t even measure up to the books it is trying to be let alone the bible. I think there is something extremely wrong with these books to excite this kind of devotion.)

  26. exactly. edward is the worst boyfriend u could ever get and yet all the twilighters thinks he’s perfect. read this blog its really good about all the domestic violence he does.

    http://pamgutz.livejournal.com/6499.html

  27. “Why weren’t these books about Alice?”

    I REPEAT YOUR QUESTION IN ALL SERIOUSNESS.

  28. Perry Tubby Awesomesauce Says:

    Oh gawd…I thought Bella reminded me of someone I knew after reading the last chapter, but the reactions she has after reading this…wow. If Smeyer really based this on how she feels, or her worldview, she really, really, reeeeeaaaallllllyyyyyyy needs to seek professional help. Bellas of the world actually do exist, and act just like this. I’ve known one. PANIC

  29. “It was also losing a whole future, a whole family–the whole life that I’d chosen…”

    What I want to know, is why the hell Meyer thinks this line somehow illustrates more than other break-ups? I’ve had two major break-ups in my life to date, and in each case it changed things I had planned. I hadn’t put down deposits on houses or anything, but in each relationship we’d been going long enough that there were plans. But in neither case did I go catatonic for a week, suffer regular night terrors, destroy things, throw fits, cut off friends, indulge in self-harm to help myself and manipulate others to make myself feel better.

    So fuck you Stephanie/Bella, if you think this somehow justifies it all. When a break up happens, it changes things, beyond the simple “The partner is now gone” element. Get used to it, it’s called life.

    • Obviously, Bella’s love was a /true love/.
      Guh, gag me.

      I think Meyer was trying to show just how DEEP the connection between Edtardo and Bella-dumbass is supposed to be. But really, all she accomplished was showing how stupid these two are.

      And I perfectly agree with you, break ups happen and they are nothing to go catatonic over. It’s change, it sucks most of the time and takes a little bit to get used to but most people learn to suck it the hell up and move along.

  30. Does charlie not know…. That people eventually continue with their life when someone dies? Yes its bad, but how can Charlie.even equate it with death? Has charlie never had a break up? The whole comparasion was wrong.

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