Chapter Fourteen

Lalala, let’s go meet the werewolves who get angry and rip girls’ faces off~

Predictably, all four are angry that Jacob brought Bella along. Jacob insists she can help, and the kid named Paul laughs it off as “oh sure the leech-lover wants to help us kill vampires.” Paul gets super pissed, and… oh, here, just read.

Paul seemed to fall forward, vibrating violently. Halfway to the ground, there was a loud ripping noise, and the boy exploded.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, werewolves explode. They do not morph, grow, blink, etc., they explode. Don’t believe that’s the mental image intended?

With another sharp tearing sound, Jacob exploded, too.

Werewolves explode. They fursplode.

Good God.

So there’s a wolf fight, and it’s super riveting and stuff. Bella’s trying not to piss herself in fright (because she’s a strong heroine) while the boys place bets on which wolf is going to waste the other. Sam orders them to take her to Emily’s, and he rushes after the two fighting teenager-wolves, kicking off his shoes as he goes.

What? Are shoes the only things that get torn up in the transformation? Oh goodness, we can’t have nudity in our young adult novels.

Embry and Jared joke about what a hothead Paul is as they go to gather the shredded shoes. Wait, they’re picking up clothes, too. Why did Sam favor his shoes so much? I’m freaking confused.

The boys continue to argue over who’s going to win the scuffle, while Bella preoccupies herself with worrying over them, since that’s all she’s good for. Embry argues that Jake’s got a gift and could kick Paul’s ass any day. The male protagonist is the best at what he does? Get out of town. They drag Bella to Emily’s house.

“You’ll have to ride in the back,” he told Jared.

“That’s fine. I got a weak stomach. I don’t want to be in there when she blows.”

“I bet she’s tougher than that. She runs with vampires.”

Hate to break it to you, Embry, but this girl screams after dreaming about trees.

So we’re going to Emily’s house. She’s Sam’s fiancée. Embry warns Bella not to stare at her, “it bugs Sam.” I have a feeling I’m not going to like where this is going.

The house is small and cheerful, and a young beautiful woman is busying herself with blueberry muffins. Bella at first thinks she’s not supposed to stare at Emily because she’s so pretty, and then Emily turns around.

Half of her face is completely disfigured from a series of raking scars.

Oh, I am really not going to like this.

Emily finds out this is Bella Swan standing in her kitchen, and gives her a hard look.

“So, you’re the vampire girl.”

I stiffened. “Yes. Are you the wolf girl?”

She laughed, as did Embry and Jared. The left half of her face warmed. “I guess I am.”

Because anybody who likes Bella is automatically a good person, we immediately trust Emily. Bella notices that Emily’s scars extend down the right side of her body, all the way down to the back of her right hand, and makes some comment about how hanging out with werewolves must have its risks.

Ho hum, your boyfriend brutally mauled you. Since he loves you so much I’m sure it’s not a big deal.

Sam shows up and kisses Emily. Bella has a panic attack because of how obviously they ~*deeply love each other*~ and tries to ignore the throbbing of her chest hole. Good God, would you get a grip already.

Jacob and Paul arrive, having made up. Bet money changes hands. Muffins and eggs are eaten. Wounds heal rapidly, which we are told is a “wolf thing.” Um, no it’s not. Jacob let’s everybody know that Victoria is after Bella, after all. Jared suggests they use Bella as bait, which I think is an excellent idea, but everyone else, of course, is all concerned for her safety. They come up with some plan or other to trap Victoria, and in the meantime, they’ll keep Bella at La Push as much as possible to keep an eye on her. It won’t seem weird to Charlie because March Madness is going on and they’ll just invite him over to watch all the games.

At the end of the day, however, Charlie does want to know what’s going on, since he thought Bella and Jacob had a fight over this whole gang thing. Bella tries to blow it off.

“I don’t know–who can understand teenage boys? They’re a mystery. But I met Sam Uley and his fiancée, Emily. The [sic] seemed pretty nice to me.” I shrugged. “Must have all been a misunderstanding.”

His face changed. “I hadn’t hear that he and Emily had made it official. That’s nice. Poor girl.”

“Do you know what happened to her?”

“Mauled by a bear, up north, during salmon spawning season–horrible accident. It was more than a year ago now. I heard Sam was really messed up over it.”

Because he was in no way involved I’m sure. Way to go there, chief. Besides, Sam ~*loves her so much*~, he wouldn’t possibly disfigure her.

Bella meditates on whether or not she is a hypocrite. She asks herself if she would have loved Edward all the same if he had eaten people (I mean, more than he already did), if she wouldn’t have had the sense to stay away from him if he was a murderer (I mean, a murderer of good people, not just bad people).

I shook my head sadly. Love is irrational, I reminded myself. The more you loved someone, the less sense anything made.

…So I guess that’s a yes.

Jesus.

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37 Responses to “Chapter Fourteen”

  1. Android 21 3/7 Says:

    Aww so much for the bait… As for the shoes, maybe they were expensive! If I were prone to shoe-obliterating explosions, I would most certainly be careful with expensive shoes! …But then this raises the question of why he would wear expensive shoes in the middle of the woods, with full knowledge that exploding is imminent…

    • Softspoken Says:

      Fursplosion might just be imminent 24/7… After all, apparently it’s no really BIG deal, if you just get angry in a private situation, that’s reason enough to fursplode.

      • Android 21 3/7 Says:

        That is a very good point. Why bother with wearing shoes at all if that’s the case? Except for possibly signs that say “No shirt, no shoes, no service.”

    • Moonshade Says:

      Shoes are just naturally expensive when you’re that big.

      Most of the guys I know who are 6’6″ and above (oddly enough I know several) have shoe sizes upwards of 16, and frequently in wide sizes. You can’t buy those at Walmart (I’ve tried). Frequently you have to have them made special, which costs extra. So you’re looking at upwards of a hundred dollars (if you’re lucky) per pair.

      So yes.

      But I don’t think Smeyer actually thought that far ahead. I think ‘removing shoes’ was just supposed to be a more ‘acceptable’ way of indicating that he’s taking off the rest of his clothes too.

      • Ha! I hadn’t thought of how hard it must be to find shoes for a guy that’s near seven feet tall. That makes sense.

        But I’m also pretty sure you’re right and Stephenie just didn’t want to write “he stripped naked before exploding.”

  2. Sam paid GOOD MONEY for those shoes! He wasn’t just going to run around, tearing them up willy nilly when he FURSPLODES!

  3. Softspoken Says:

    “…and makes some comment about how hanging out with werewolves must have its risks.”

    This. THIS is FAILING social awareness 101. You’ve picked up that people noticing Emily’s scars is okay, but focusing on them is bad. You’ve already seen that werewolves transform at the drop of a hat. The scars could also, VERY REASONABLY be a sensitive subject for her, too. After all, according to SMeyer, she was beautiful… Until Bella saw the scars. (shallow!)

    So we’re going to make a passing comment which is very obviously a question about something that doesn’t really concern you, that could get you on the bad side of every werewolf (which fursplode if agitated) in a private home in the middle of nowhere.

    GOOD JOB BELLA. Way to be suicidal not just physically and emotionally, but also socially.

    • Jesusfish Says:

      You win some internets!

    • MY BAD

      it was an internal monologue-style comment. SHE DIDN’T VOICE IT OUT LOUD.

      But that totally wouldn’t surprise us, would it?

      • Softspoken Says:

        Okay. That helps a lot. But yeah, I had to rant on that because… I’m trying to be more socially aware, and a comment like that is such a blatant ‘DO NOT SAY’ that I would be thoroughly disgusted with most anyone that said that.
        Sorry for kind of going off the handle there.

      • Don’t worry about it! I wasn’t clear about what was going on there lol And you’re right, that would be TOTALLY insensitive and not at all uncharacteristic for Bella, haha

  4. Just as a note: The answer to the question “Woulf I love this person just as much if they ate people?” should always be “Oh sweet Jesus on a pogo stick, NO!”

  5. Forsakentale Says:

    Well I would be scared of 7 feet tall injuns who explode into furry fetishes…..
    BTW, now I understand that Forks is a town for specially idiot people. Who in they freaking mind would wander inside the freaking woods outside the freaking trails just to get eating by ANYTHING? Laurent was hunting at the SECRET meadow and I doubt Valeria, Veruska… whatever her name is, goes into town saying “Hello, don’t mind my crazy hair and my red eyes. Can someone just go with me to the forest? I’m a little thirsty…”

  6. Obviously the werewolves have the power of Magic Healing Spit, which lets them heal quickly.

    I wish I hadn’t thought of that, because my favourite animals actually do heal extra quick because of their spit. And now my brain hurts from connecting them to this rubbish.

    But that would be just the sort of stuperpower that SMeyer would give her fursploding things.

    Anyway I got here from Fey Winds and am hooked on your summaries. I’ve never been able to get through more than a couple of chapters of Twilight myself. Keep up the brilliant work!

  7. How has Victoria not found Bella yet? I mean, it’s not like the girl’s been hiding! All she’d have to do is break in while Bella’s asleep. Charlie would even ignore the screams, what with how used to Bella’s night terrors he’s gotten!

    • We’re supposed to believe that the werewolves have been holding her off.

      Never mind that there are only five of them, and, unlike their foe, they need time to sleep and eat.

    • There could be the possiblity that Victoria, from what little character she has in Meyer’s text, is actually waiting to see what side kills Bella first and only makes random appearances to check on the progress. (I don’t think Meyer knows how to use literary devices to save her life, so I do not want to try and convince myself of possible foreshadowing.)

      I mean, said main character has done everything possible to kill herself and now is doing her level best to piss off exploding werewolves with agression issues. On top of that she seems to run into every red-eyed (even if the count was two to begin with) in the area in hopes of finding Cult Cullen.

      In some ways this series is starting to remind me of Naruto with all the filler and very little plot to speak of (till the last minute).

  8. A Chapter 14 Haiku:

    Emily, stupid girl
    You slipped Sam some tongue and then
    oops, he lost control

    LET THIS BE A WARNING BELLA! IF YOU STICK YOUR TONGUE IN YOUR BOYFRIENDS MOUTH, HE WILL FRENZY AND TEAR YOUR THROAT OUT, AND THEN IF YOU SURVIVE, YOU WILL BE UGLY BECAUSE OF THE SCARS!

    Is Emily supposed to be a parallel of Bella? Like “this could happen…TO YOU!”.

  9. Why on earth are you still reading this series if you hate it so much? Just stop the pain.

  10. I have gotten less done at work today than I might have otherwise because of this site (it’s all kosher, though; I’m still getting it done, just not as speedily). I tried to hard to make myself read Twilight so that I could condemn it properly, but no dice. I got here through googling “Edward Cullen Domestic Violence” during an argument with a Twilight Mom (“I’d rather MY teenage daughter be in a healthy relationship and having sex than dating a guy like Edward and remaining celibate” does not go over well in the thick of the Bible Belt, let me tell you).

    Thank you for this, it makes my life easier when I feel the need to tear my hair and weep bitterly for the minds of those vapid fans around me. Now I can instead gird my loins, and set my teeth, and Go Forth.

    Also, dude, SMeyer totally skimmed through a few old Werewolf: The Apocalypse sourcebooks, methinks. Sadly, she apparently stopped at skimming.

  11. Forget what I said earlier. “Exploding Telepathic Werewolves” is a cool band name. Actually, no, the only way it could be better is if it was “Gigantic Reptilian Undead Exploding Telepathic Werewolves that BREATH FIRE.”

    But make a werewolf like that and I’ll barf.

    • once again, the sexism in Twilight is appaling. Emily, going around making muffins and eggs. Whats next she breaks out into song ?

  12. They explode. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot, WHY?

    Also, Domestic Violence is not sweet.

  13. Makokam Says:

    I had a completly hysterical fit thinking about sparkling Vampires and fursploding werewolves. And it just got worse when I remebered Chupacabras that shoot lazers.

  14. Someone linked you through Cleolinda Jones Livjournal. I’m finding your recaps really hilarious. I’m also finding it awesome that her term “fursplode!” has made it so far around the internet. Testament to a hungry nation’s need for Twilight snark, IMO. (And I’m seriously in love with “psychotic Edisode,” BTW.) Still reading, still laughing my ass off. Thanks for suffering for the reader’s sake!

  15. OMG i love your version of the story a whole lot more then the books lol. Fursplode had me laughing my ass off i didn’t even catch that while i was reading. Ima reread the books just so i can catch all the bad writing and dramatic points you’ve mentioned lol Thanks for the hilarious recaps

  16. I just couldin’t stop laughing at “and the boy exploded.” and “They fursplode.” LOL

  17. You know, I’ve read your recaps up to this part and frankly, I’m starting to think somebody should make a fanfic. One that includes Carl being insane, Edward being a brooding sparkling douche and a soulless Bella. It could be fun to remove the pink cloud hiding all those issues in Smeyer’s novels.

  18. Is it just me or when you quoted “Paul seemed to fall forward, vibrating violently. Halfway to the ground, there was a loud ripping noise, and the boy exploded.” and “With another sharp tearing sound, Jacob exploded, too.” I didn’t exactly think of a transformation. More like I thought of what my husband does when I make him feel good? *wink wink*

    I honestly couldn’t stop laughing. xD

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