You guys

I have some intensely sharp readers. You all keep pointing out things I hadn’t even caught (like Katie Cole asking how Edward being able to read minds protects him from hitting deer, or Himani pointing out that James must have spent a lot of time looking at home movies to find one of Bella’s mom freaking out … just for example).

I’m probably going to have to do a “clever comments” feature or something lame like that.

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35 Responses to “You guys”

  1. OH the whole home movies thing never crossed my mind either. I think by that point in the book I was skimming hoping that Bella would die already (and possibly stay that way).

  2. Luis Wu Says:

    Well, here are some more thoughts:
    The way she (smeyer) describes vampires is totally unbalanced.
    They have huge advantages and no real drawbacks. As their history goes back at least three thousand years – according to the author – they would certainly rule the world by now. Yes she installs the Volturi as limiting power but there is no real reason why they should have laid down that law back then. They are described as an essentially selfish lot and back then mortals could not have posed any realistic opposition to even one vampire.
    Bronze swords, spears and arrows against super strong, super fast and indestructible foes? No way.
    Also there is a nice little detail in Carlisle’s creation story:
    “He must have been ancient and weak with hunger…” Oh really, why that? If you are able to move faster than any human could observe, you can snatch a victim out of a dark street at leisure as soon as the human is alone with you. If you are able to jump up to a second story window you could enter almost any home at night, silently killing off the inhabitants and taking up residence. Move on if the neighbours get suspicious. There is simply no reason for such vampires to live wretchedly and starving in the sewers of a big city.
    My first and biggest point however is that the author never really decides if she takes her story down the mystic or the science-fiction road. She mainly sticks to the idea of a “co-evolution” principle talking about a higher number of chromosomes and the like but totally ignores all natural sciences.

    Action and reaction:
    Can you really run across a field of fresh snow without leaving traces? Not likely. You have to exert some force against the ground to support your weight, no matter how fast you move.
    You want to move through an atmosphere at a really high velocity? That will create a lot of sound or even a shockwave.

    Energy conservation:
    Super fast and super strong but only drinking a few litres of blood every week while not breathing at all? Well, there must be a lot of energy stored in that blood. I do not think that there is anything in it that could undergo fusion or fission but they must do something like that to get that much energy out of it.
    Werewolves actually gaining and losing mass when shifting? Where does that come from? The creators of “hulk” at least showed him standing in a puddle of shed water when shifting back to human to explain for the lost bulk.

    PSI versus Magic:
    Most of the special powers fall in to a kind of PSI scheme, something that many Sci-Fi authors toy with but then she introduces a character in the fourth book that can split the earth and create great winds. That is clearly magic and not a mind-trick.

    I have to admit that I was not putting to much thought in to the whole abuse thing when reading the books. I just felt that the main character (Bella) was often behaving pathetic or outright stupid. However I did think from the middle of the first book on that their obsession with each other would turn really ugly as soon as only one of them changes his mind.

    (ps: Please excuse any spelling or grammar mistakes. I am not a native speaker.)

    • Android 21 3/7 Says:

      Your grammar and spelling are better than a lot of native speakers, myself included.

    • Moonshade Says:

      I’m thinking that the ‘co-evolution’ thing was just thrown in there for the heck of it. When an author breaks this many scientific rules (kudos on pointing them out) it’s usually chalked up to magic and ignored.

      The only reasonable argument I’ve ever heard for living in secrecy is “who wants to be king of the cattle? seriously.” I’m thinking that if vampires were to come out of the mystical closet and start openly hunting humans, the human population would freak out. Populations would decline sharply in the panic (riots, military rule, etc.)

      But other than that, no real reasons come to mind.

  3. I skimmed through most of the books because I was bored and reading for something exciting to happen (eg, plot). I thought the vamps sped because they have fast reflexes, but I guess not… vamp reflexes would make a lot more sense.

  4. P.S. Vampires are endothermic?

    Smeyer constantly reminds us of Eddie’s cold and marble-y skin, but in other vampire stories, vampires are room temperature… because they’re walking corpses… not corpses that have been stored in a freezer for freshness and come out only to woo helpless Mary Sues and play baseball.

    Is there something in Eddie’s non-beating heart that consumes heat? I guess so.

    • Oh, GODS this bugged me. Heat transfers from the warmer to cooler object, so they should be at room temperature! They’d feel slightly cool, not ice-cold!

      WAIT! They get energy (to move, breathe, etc.) from heat energy in the air! They absorb heat for energy! That’s why they’re cold – to attract heat! It also explains how they can survive on the very limited nutrient supply found in blood.

      Okay, now I’m even MORE annoyed at Smeyer. It took me a millisecond to come up with an explanation for her vampires, and it’s based on more stable theory than her bullshit chromosome stuff. I HATE this woman.

      • Oh God, what’s this about chromosomes?

        Breaking Dawn is going to end me, isn’t it?

      • Magistrate of Mediocrety Says:

        Besides, how the hell would venom cause the spontaneous creation of extra chromosomes? Venom is an inherently digestive compound, no matter what animal it’s from. Last time I checked, digestion doesn’t lead to the creation of new genetic material.
        Not to mention that the extra chromosomes that make vampire so super special awesome would also make it impossible for them to cross breed with humans. Having a half set of extra chromosomes floating around is never a good thing.

        Dammit, SMeyer. Now my science hurts.

      • Millenous Laughter Says:

        Obviously vampires are radioactive.

  5. Well I really don’t think it would take that much time finding home video of some one freaking out because Bella is “oh so clumsy”……wait a tic….. HOW would they find video of either of her parents freaking out because they are both idiots and wouldn’t know to freak out over anything the retard does anyways!?!?!

    Never mind about the whole thing… I forgot Smeyer has brain washed all the emo kids and that apparently gives her the right to make up new guidelines, laws and logic of the universe. Stupid me. >,<

    Rachel you should be Sainted for reading that crap so some of us don't have to!

  6. What always bothered me was that it was never adequately explained how a vampire’s body could function. If they are dead (which they must be since they have no heartbeat and can’t breathe), how can their brains function without oxygen? You could say that they make up for this by drinking blood, but to survive this way a vampire would have to completely drain at least one person of a similar size per day, and that’s just assuming that their body runs at 100% capacity with no energy given off as waste. Of course, in order to achieve the athletic feats described in the book, that intake would need to be doubled if not tripled.

    Likewise, if their bodies are dead, what keeps them from rotting? Their organs, no longer functioning, should begin breaking down almost immediately, which means that that smell coming out of Edward’s mouth would only be sexy to a necrophiliac. Also, their bodies would be an all-you-can-eat buffet for maggots and other nasty insects and parasites. Imagine how sexy Edward would be when mushrooms begin growing in his belly. Even if something in vampirism keeps them from rotting, their digestive systems no longer function, which means that essentially none of the body’s systems could continue to function.

    Which, by the way, means that Edward’s dead little testes would stop producing sperm. Also, the lack of blood in his system (since all of the blood he drinks likely goes to just keeping his brain alive), means that he couldn’t even get it up in the first place. That, and the fact that Bella’s womb would be inhospitable for life (since she would no longer be taking in nutrients from food, the fetus would not get any of the vitamins and minerals it needs for the development of its brain or any other vital systems), means no little baby abominations for the Cullen family.

    Now, in the book the Cullens feed exclusively on animals, but these animals come from an area that is described as being a nature preserve (what with the park rangers and the camp sites and hiking trails and such). The animal populations in these areas would be carefully monitored by park employees, and it is highly likely that animals would be tagged (especially in an area that contains an endangered species like the grizzly bear). With the animal populations being under such close surveillance, the discovery of a number of dead animals (which, by the way, would be roughly the size, pound-for-pound, of a large herd of cattle by the time the Cullens decided to get the hell outta Forks) discovered completely drained of blood with puncture wounds in their necks would be cause for a little suspicion. Even if the Cullens carefully disposed of the corpses, at least some of the animals they killed would likely have been tagged, and their mysterious deaths and equally mysterious burials would be discovered. Oh, but they’re animals, so nobody really cares if they get mysteriously murdered. It’s not like there are people out there whose jobs revolve around observing and reporting trends in animal populations or anything.

    Not to mention the fact that the Cullens, feeding regularly, would effectively destroy the entire ecosystem of Forks by depleting the food supply. But, hey, everyone knows that environmental disasters are okay as long as the people causing them are pretty.

    Sorry if I got a little wordy. It just bugs me that an author would try to make a real-world story and then ignore everything that happens in the real world.

    Oh, wait, this is Smeyer we’re talking about. My bad. Just ignore everything I just said.

    • Softspoken Says:

      Huh. Never really thought about the whole ‘park rangers tracking population’ thing, but you have a real point there. The sudden drain probably would be noticable to anyone who’s in the business.
      It might be slightly more believable if they hunted / lived way out in the middle of nowhere, but as it is…
      What I really wanted to comment on though was your views on Edmund’s reproductive capabilities. Because I thought: “WAIT! SMeyer knows that! That’s why there’s NO REAL SEXUAL TENSION EVER. Because Edmund is COMPLETELY INFERTILE.”
      For some reason, I find this concept hilarious.

      • I hate that vampire women are infertile for some reasons but vampire men can still impregnate.

        Smeyer’s misogyny is pretty freaking insidious.

    • Moonshade Says:

      You’ll love her official explanation for why they don’t rot (and why the females don’t reproduce) is that the venom CRYSTALLIZES EVERY CELL IN THE BODY.

      Oh jeeze. Kill me now.

      So you turn hard as stone, cold as stone, etc. Which makes me wonder: how the freak do they actually MOVE?!?

      • Unfortunately I am going to be the idiot that steers away from the scientific view…

        Good question, and for that answer you could claim that Smeyer has stolen something from Marvel (since that is the only fandom that remotely comes close explaining how a person that is hard as stone and cold as stone can still move despite what science says). Which raises issues about possible plagirism since we now have sparkly vampires that should be hard as stone.

        I doubt Emma Frost would appreciate Edward attempting to muscle in on her abilities or the sparkly, Smeyer vampires in general.

      • I love that she tried to explain her horrible vampire setting with psuedo-science. It’s just.. it’s beyond reason of any sort. “A wizard did it” would have sufficed!

      • ASOIGHOIHGIJ CRYSTALS DO NOT WORK THAT WAY!

        AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH! DEATHDEATHDEATHDEATHDEATHDEATHDEATHDEATHDEATHDEATHDEATHDEATHDEATHDEATHDEATHDEATHDEATHDEATHDEATHDEATHDEATHDEATHDEATHDEATH!!!

      • Well aren’t sperm…cells? I’m horrible at biology but I think its true, isn’t it? Ugh. Can you imagine? According to SMeyer Ed used his dead penis to shoot crystal cells into Bella. Sexy.

    • I’ve been yelling the sperm-egg thing for a while now. Mostly at tweens. I’m glad someone brought it up in a much more… eloquent capacity.

    • Imagine how sexy Edward would be when mushrooms begin growing in his belly.

      Oh, my. I may actually swoon.

      At least then we could say Ed would be good for something — plant cultivation. Team Fungus, wut wut?

  7. Rachel, let me just say there’s a VERY good reason that Breaking Dawn is nicknamed Breaking Down.

  8. Bendemolena Says:

    BD spoiler–!

    SMeyer states that when you ‘turn’, your body STAYS THE SAME. That’s it. It undergoes no changes whatsoever after you become a vampire. Then like.. if Bella became a vamp right after giving birth and having a baby chewed out THROUGH HER UTERUS, shouldn’t she have loose skin and horrible, terrible wounds and broken bones, along with any weight she gained while pregnant? OF COURSE NOT. <3 This is ~Beautiful Swan~ we're talking about. She's thin and beautiful and looks like a 'supermodel,' not like she was just maimed and pregnant, once she turns.
    Ugh.

    I'd like to punch SMeyer in the face for not even sticking to her own damned canon.

  9. Oh, hey, it’s me! *waves* Heh.

    Most of the plot holes in SMeyer’s Twilight just made me pound my head against a wall to STOP THE PAIN, oh the pain. But, there were a few plot holes that made me laugh out loud, like picturing James stealing food out of the fridge as he went through hour after hour of home videos…

    …that he would have had to search for. I wonder if he went through any underwear drawers “by mistake”? He seems lame enough to do it.

    I suppose at least SMeyer’s work was sometimes amusing (by mistake!) by her own sucky writing/plotting skills.

  10. Anundine Says:

    Personally, I like the “cursed by a quasi-god-thingy/demon/satan /god/” or ” gift from a quasi-god-thingy/demon/satan” explanation. It’s neat, clean, explains everything, and usually had some nasty setback.

    AND THEY DON’T SPARKLE.

    ps: Wonderful blog. Thanks for reading it so the rest of us don’t have to.

  11. Katie Cole Says:

    If SMeyer actually tried to put some real science into her book the universe would turn in on itself and disappear.

    I have a question that just popped into my head from reading all of these comments-How come they don’t eat regular human food? Does SM ever explain that? “whatevs they are liek vampirez they nom humenz” is not a good enough answer, especially since Eddy ate some of Bella’s food once (or maybe twice) in the first book (I think) and besides, they are “vegetarians” . I really don’t want to search the internet for the answer to this.

    I’m only wondering this because of Moonlight. It was an okay show with vampires. IDK if you have ever watched/heard of it so I’m just gonna explain anywayz…so in the show the main character Mic (a vamp) tells his human friend Beth that vampires (on that show at least) can eat human food, but for them it has no flavor what so ever, so they just don’t eat it.

    • No explanation on that one yet. They can eat food, as Edward has shown, but… big question mark.

    • Luis Wu Says:

      There is a drafted book called “Darksun” that SMeyer posted on her website after the draft leaked out. It is “Twilight” told from Edward’s perspective. In it she explains that Edward just ‘swallows’ that human food but only to put on a show. He will have to choke it up later as his body is unable to process it.
      By the way: My wife LOVES the whole series. Interesting enough is that even though she likes the books she still feels that Bella is an annoying little fool.
      So I agree with Rachel. A series about Alice would have been much better indeed. Well, maybe not. SMeyer would just have destroyed that character as well so we all would hate Alice now.
      Maybe some talented author could write something about Alice’s history?

      • A more talented author than SMeyer? Good idea. I’ll drop by the local middle school and ask one of the students to write it.

    • sociolinguist Says:

      As an actual vegetarian, I am beyond pissed that these assholes are called “vegetarian” because they eat endangered animals. As if refusing to endanger animals wasn’t the entire point of being vegetarian. I guess Smeyer thinks we abstain from meat for the same reason she abstains from alcohol and caffeine–namely, because we get orders from above and don’t question them–so being commanded to make any restrictive dietary change is just like being vegetarian. Since, you know, placing humans above other animals in a hierarchy of right-to-life is exactly what vegetarians are all about.

      So if vampires were born addicted to crack, they would be “straight edge” if they settled for just doing heroin instead, so they could pat themselves on the back for saving Colombian coke slaves. Nevermind the Afghan poppy slaves–that’s different.

  12. There’s other stuff for me too. I don’t get how Rosalie was well off during the time of the Great Depression. Am I mistaken or does it say she was still okay financially because her dad was a banker? Well…the Great Depression was caused by the banks failing. And about there being sewers in London during the time Carlisle was alive…I’m pretty sure there weren’t.

  13. I have a question. Why freesia????? Whereas it is a very pretty smell it is not at all a food smell and I don’t understand why it makes her more edible. Now if she was described as smelling like the best steak you have ever eaten, cooked perfectly with a side of mashed potatoes and broccoli, hell I might have taken a bite, but freesia? Also, as sexist as it is any man who is more specific than “you smell pretty” really makes me question their heterosexuality.

    • Madisson Says:

      Apparantly sparklepires enjoy flowers as well as endangered animals. ^.^ Aha, I have a peonie scented body spray, and every time I use it I laugh, thinking ::I’m going to have to watch out for sparklepires. Damn.::

  14. A while back, my friends and I were talking about Edward’s sparkle powers, and we realized that if he sparkles in sunlight, he should sparkle just as well in the flourescent lighting of a school or any other building… so they shouldn’t be able to attend school in the first place, and why would they when they are immortal? It must be horrible to go through the same routine year after year after year. Unless they are planning on learning our ways and stealing our wealth of knowledge so they can one day take us down from the inside. :O

    But that would cause tension, and poor Bella would become a snack, rather than getting her wish to ecome a walking corpse. Because that’s SO APPEALING. And we can’t leave her UNHAPPY (or dead), so we get loopholes that would make a lawyer have an aneurism.

    • FlameUser64 Says:

      Solar light is actually different in composition then that from a regular lightbulb, so it’s theoretically possible that it’s something to do with it being specifically sunlight. I don’t know the details, though, because I never payed enough attention during grade 10 science and I don’t look stuff up on my own often enough.

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