Chapter Nine

God, how did I get so bleeding far ahead? I’m on chapter 18 in my actual reading. I have to find something else to do on my afternoon break.

Okay, chapter nine, let’s see… oh right, this one.

I was like a lost moon–my planet destroyed in some cataclysmic, disaster-movie scenario of desolation–that continued, nevertheless, to circle in a tight little orbit around the empty space left behind, ignoring the laws of gravity.

Ow that hurts. Lost moon? Seriously? Are we that unabashedly codependent?

It’s okay, because Bella has Jacob to distract her from all her terrible, horrible problems. Or just the one. Which isn’t even a problem. She’s still too stupid to realize that the Cullens have done her a favor.

Jacob gives Bella a box of candy hearts for Valentine’s Day, and jokes about her being his valentine and slave for life. Oh, but Bella knows he isn’t joking, she knows, and tries ever so hard to think of a way to reestablish their boundaries. She does this by saying she can’t bike on Friday, she’s got to go to a movie with her “friends.” When Jacob’s face falls, she reneges on her steadfast ironclad strong-willed indomitable determination to Just Be Friends, and invites him too.

I’m not sure how she didn’t “accidentally” end up with more boyfriends this way.

Random mortal friend #27: Who’s that guy you’re with, Bella? New boyfriend?
Bella: Oh, no, he just thinks he is.
Random mortal friend #27: Uh. Are you going to tell him he’s not your boyfriend?
Bella: Well I tried! I told him he was too young. But then sort of called him beautiful, shared an overlong hug, and invited him to a movie.

It hurts to know that people like this actually exist.

So Bella invites Mike to a movie, since it looks like she lied about the movie thing to begin with. Lying seems just about as easy as breathing to her. Mike starts to get the Wrong Idea so she quickly orders him to invite everyone else they know, too. Poor Mike. He needs to kill himself or be an injun or something to get this girl’s attention.

Well, as luck would have it, everybody either cancels because they don’t like Bella, or they’re sick with some flu. So it’s just Bella, Jacob, and Mike. Oh, this couldn’t possibly get awkward.

“I remember this guy,” he said in a low voice as Mike parked across the street. “The one who thought you were his girlfriend. Is he still confused?”

Bella: Gee, Jacob, are we talking about Eric, Tyler, Mike, or Edward?

The boys posture needlessly at each other and play “Bella likes me more” for the whole day. Bella has to sneak Jacob into the theater, because he’s ~*so much younger*~ than her. They sit on either side of her and subtly try to hold her hands. Then suddenly Mike gets sick and they go home. Woooo! I think the Golf Channel is probably more exciting than this.

Jacob and Bella wait in the lobby while Mike ralphs in the bathroom. Jacob puts an arm around her, and she protests, leaning away from him. So, he grabs her hand, and asks if she likes him better than Mike, or any of the other guys she knows. Ah, very mature.

“But that’s all,” he said, and it wasn’t a question.

It was hard to answer, to say the word. Would he get hurt and avoid me? How would I stand that?

Uh, I don’t know, like an adult? Oh, I have an idea, why don’t you keep lying and pretending like he’s your boyfriend, so he doesn’t get hurt! I’m sure that’ll work out super for both of you in the end.

Jacob insists he’s okay with her just liking him as a friend. He asks if it’s still “the other one,” and quickly adds that she doesn’t have to talk about it. Good, I really don’t know if I can stand more of this melodrama.

Anyway, they finally address the issue of Jacob liking her more than she likes him, and he insists that isn’t something that bothers him, as long as she’s okay. When Mike finally stumbles out of the bathroom, they drive home. Jacob is burning up now too, but swears he feels fine. Bella immediately assumes the flu, but we know what it is–werewolf puberty.

Bella angsts some about how she’s damaged, empty, broken, wasted, etc., and that Jacob is wasting his time. Booooohoohoo. She justifies her need to use him as a crutch, though. Yet again, we are shown that Bella is more than capable of doing stupid, horrible things (taking cold medicine to sleep, insulting her father, using Jacob), but we are treated to a dissertation on how she would normally never, ever do this. Someone is in denial about their perfect little Mary Sue.

Jacob decides that maybe he is feeling ill, and excuses himself out.

“It’s just that, I know how you’re unhappy a lot. And, maybe it doesn’t help anything, but I wanted you to know that I’m always here. I won’t ever let you down–I promise that you can always count on me. Wow, that does sound corny. But you know that, right? That I would never, ever hurt you?”

This paragraph made me love Jacob. Edward never did or said anything like this–all he’s ever done is hurt Bella, and then Smeyer shoves in our faces how he really only did it because he loves her. Jacob is a good kid. He actually seems to care about Bella and want her to flourish, have fun, live life, unlike Edward’s whole tepid “no if i made u a vmapire u would miss prom” BS.

However, the fact that later Jacob is just as abusive and manipulative as Edward makes me hate Smeyer even more.

Jacob leaves, promising to call when he gets home. Bella goes inside, wishing Jacob were just her brother. Fun fact, did you know Stephenie’s brother is named Jacob? Self-insertion characters indeed. Bella waits by the phone, but Jacob never calls. When she calls back, it takes eight rings for Billy to pick up and say “Oh, uh, yeah, he’s too ‘sick’ to call. Right, ‘sick.’ No no no, don’t come over here, just stay at your wolf-free home. Uh huh. Yeah. Bye.”

So Bella throws up some (the flu, not the melodrama, this time), and passes out on the bathroom floor. She spends the whole day there sleeping on a towel.

Charlie claimed that he had to work, but I suspected that he just wanted access to a bathroom.

Chica, your father sucks.

So Bella gets better 24 hours later, which is a real drag, because I was really getting into that riveting throwing-up action. Do you guys see why it was hard for me to muster the strength to even recap this? Bella finally gets a hold of Jacob, who still sounds like crap. It’s the werewolf. Flu. Werewolf flu. He’s totally not a werewolf!

And so he hangs up.

Uh, end of chapter.

Wow, I am so wasting my time with this book.

22 Responses to “Chapter Nine”

  1. Woo hoo!

    I’ve been reading your updates for a while now, but just decided to comment. I am a terrible person. I know.

    But good god, you’re hilarious and make me want to re-read the books myself. I never realized how terrible of a father Charlie was, but I did realize how goddamn -nice- Jacob is. Why the hell does Bella prefer Mr. Sparkles over him?

    Oh wait, right, Stephenie Meyer knew Jacob was more likable than Edward and decided to butcher his character.


    • I’m going to be absolutely livid when I get there. I feel like someone should have rescued the concept of Jacob from Smeyer to save it from her abuse, lol.

      • Magistrate of Mediocrety Says:

        He is 15 at this point. We could call Child Services to come and get him out of the novel.

        Also, Jacob’s named after her brother? Incest, anyone?

  2. *yawn* Will there at least be some werewolf rape at some point? I need something to look forward to.

    • It’s sad that the both of us are hoping something brutal and/or sexual happens later to spice this up. It’s about falling in love with supernatural monsters. WHERE IS THE BLOOD PLAY. WHY ISN’T FUR FLYING.

      Although, I hear if you like freaky werewolf sex, the Anita Blake novels are the way to go.

      • Oh dear gods no…

        I mean… yes, yes they do have that. Just… please, don’t read them. Or if you do, read borrowed copies. If you thought SMeyer had weird ideas of how people behave, reading some of the descriptions in those books….

        Let’s just say I’m not happy with who recommended that series, many years ago. I expected a good supernatural mystery/action series. What I got was… not my cup of tea. If you want good, clean supernatural mystery series, go with Jim Butcher or Tanya Huff. Avoid L K Hamilton.

        • Mercedes Lackey, Kelley Armstrong, and C.E. Murphy all have truly excellent supernatural series starring women. Armstrong’s Women of the Otherworld series is sexy and original and highlights everyone from half-demons to werewolves to necromancers with BELIEVABLE problems/issues.

          • Kelley Armstrong rocks

          • Also, Ilona Andrews has a series about a supernatural detective/mercenary named Kate Daniels. It gets a little more sexual than, say, Dresden, but it has a similar feeling to it. The first book in the series is Magic Bites.

      • I am really, really tempted to turn my eye to LKH and her stupid Anita Blake books after this. The things I’ve heard about her “writing” are absolutely delectable.

      • If you’re looking for genuinely decent werewolf books, read the Mercy Thompson Chronicles by Patricia Briggs. They’re not always well written, and sometimes the plot can just pop out of nowhere and go “oh yeah, I forgot, I’m over here!!” but they’re definitely nowhere near as bad as Smeyer and actually feature a (gasp!) more-than-strong, self-sufficient, clever, and independent female lead!!

      • Actually, the first 9 books or so are really kind of fun. It’s nice light reading. I really do enjoy the whole ‘world’ she’s created, it’s interesting. Not really what I’d call great writing, but entertaining. Unfortunately, at some point they devolve into porn. I should add they barely had any sex at all in the beginning. But the plot lines actually become about sex around book 11. Now don’t get me wrong, I enjoy a little sex in my books sometimes. But when the freaking storyline IS about sex………. well, it’s boring. I kept reading hoping that she’d go back to the interesting little world, but so far no such luck. I’ve been scared to read the latest two.

        But, yeah, if you’re looking for the freaky werewolf/vampire/human/toss-in-a-few-other-creatures-for-good-measure sex, the later books are the way to go.

        And it’s still a lot more interesting than Twilight.

  3. Allycat Says:

    Found you on Fey Winds….wow….I have really enjoyed your commentary and was appalled at the abusive content in these books…I have only read the first one and I don’t think I will be reading the rest. Thanks for putting yourself through hell so the rest of us don’t have to.

  4. I second Allycat’s comment. Thanks for reading this tripe so we don’t have to. Also, the mention of Smeyer’s brother had me in hysterics; I knew it was Mary Sue, but COME ON.

    PS: Your mom is so win.

    • I learned from the best!

      How many other people can claim that their mom reads their Twilight-snarking blog and wishes out-loud for werewolf sex?

  5. A friend of mine (incidentally also named Jacob) and I wound up having a long conversation about Twilight the other day. Don’t worry, we were suitably ashamed and some good did come of it – we came up with a brilliant idea for new and improved version of the Twilight movie.
    Anyway Jacob went to Brigham Young University and at one point told me “Yeah, Stephenie Meyer went to BYU too, and I know *exactly* what kind of girl she was. I mean, exactly.” I can’t even imagine how he slept at night knowing that people like Stephenie Meyer were NEAR HIM at ALL TIMES.
    He was also kind enough to inform me that SMeyer has, in fact, already reproduced, thereby dashing my hopes for the betterment of the human genome.

  6. Android 21 3/7 Says:

    Just reading the RECAP was painful for me. For some strange reason, I can deal with graphic violence no problem, but awkward social situations? I… I think I need a glass of water… or need to use the bathroom… I’ll be right back. Needless to say, I doubt I can ever read the book without skipping this chapter….

  7. awriterofthings Says:

    actually, i distinctly remember bella saying somewhere in the mass of adverbs that is twilight- that she hates lying and would normally never do it but REALLY didn’t want to go out with mike, er eric, i mean taylor.

    i couldn’t keep a straight face reading that line. i wish i could find it and quote it- but i tossed my sister’s book behind her bookcase and never wanna go fetch it- not that she wants me to fetch it. she likes to deny she ever liked it. :)

    but anyway, yeah. bella said she never lies. but hell, she lies more than me! well, i’m actually an painfully honest person so maybe i’m not the best example. but she’s lies a hellva lot for someone who “doesn’t usually lie”.

  8. I realize I’m a few months late here, but I’m wondering, what’s wrong with using cold medicine to help sleep?

    It’s not the recommended usage, obviously, but assuming it’s Nyquil or close analog, it contains the same soporific in the same dosage as a standard over the counter sleep aid: doxylamine succinate.
    The additional chemicals: cough suppressant, analgesic, and maybe a decongestant or expectorant, aren’t bad for you at standard doses.
    (Though dextromethorphan is psychoactive and acetaminophen can cause liver damage if either is consumed to excess, but that’s a problem even in recommended use.)

    If I were having trouble sleeping and found I’d run out of my regular sleep aid, I know I’d have no problem using cold medicine.

    • PS: almost forgot, awesome recap. I don’t know why I can’t stop reading. It’s like a blow by blow of the worst train wreck in history.

  9. Yeah, I was wondering about that too Jack. Don’t a lot of people do that? I remember laughing at that part because Bella seemed to think it was so transgressive….

  10. ,,- that seems to be a great topic, i really love it **.

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