Parenthetical aside

It seems I can no longer make fun of Twilight, because a bunch of 15-year-old girls want to make it a religion. Yes, for the low, low price of your dignity, you too can believe that the characters in the Twilight Saga are all real, that Stephenie Meyer is the bestest best author in the whole wide world ever, and that if you’re a good little girl you’ll get to spend eternity with the Cullens. That’s super. Let’s glamorize death a little more, and maybe we’ll get more of those Black Parade suicides. I’ve always wanted more emo suicide girls on the internet.

So that’s it. No more recaps. It would just be downright rude of me to make cracks at and belittle an entire religion here.

Also, it seems I’ve been linked to from Twilight Sucks (a livejournal and a message board by that name), and Something Awful(!). So uh, welcome, guys. I hope you enjoy my pain.

44 Responses to “Parenthetical aside”

  1. Or you could become the Bill Mahr of Cullenism, pointing out its flaws and inconsistencies in a sullen, rude manner! :D

  2. Michael Says:

    Hey so what! That hasn’t stopped anyone from making fun of other religions :D pleassee

    • Yeah, Dan Brown enjoys stirring up the Catholic Church… and the Harry Potter issue with religious communities… or anything in the scientific community versus The Bible. Could always think of your recaps as attempting to save the braincells of minors and the masses from being brainwashed by badly written vampire novels.

  3. Cough up chapter eight. Don’t make me ground you.

  4. Bah! Cullenism is just a cult. You don’t get to be a proper religion until you can con a ton of money out of thousands of brainde– oh, wait.

  5. Don’t let the idiots win! They are just pitching hissy fits because you poked logic into their ignorant little, plot-less lives. (Said Twilight fans also neglect the fact that Laurel K. Hamilton did better with vampires before Incubus Dreams…)

    On that, you got enough people to back you up to counter the so-called “religion” and isn’t Stephen King against Meyer? That has to count for something…

  6. LOL

    The cullenist website looks like it was hijacked.

    Every link from that article to their manifesto turns up something about kidnapped bananas.

  7. Congrats. I think that link broke my brain. ;.; I’m gonna go hide in the corner and take comfort in my cat’s purring now.

  8. Aargh, I heard about that one. It’s just– wat? Where is the logic? Wheree? *sobs* I’m ashamed to be growing up with these people. Superrr~

    (I’m going to take a sec to be all BAWWWW because I’m actually a huge fan of MCR and it makes me ;___; that they’re blamed for that girl’s suicide.)

  9. I think Joseph Campbell would like to have a few words with these young ladies.

  10. This is only made all the more beautifully ridiculous because the whole Twilight saga is a Mary Sue vampire romance serving as a vehicle for SMeyer’s own religious beliefs. I can only imagine the apoplexy that would ensue if she found out about this.

  11. Forsakentale Says:

    And here I am thinking nothing beats Scientology… Now we have a cult for wannabe victims of home violence. Cheers!

  12. Android 21 3/7 Says:

    This actually reminds me of the time I chatted with a weirdo who thought that Dragonball Z really existed in an alternate universe and that Akira Toriyama was channeling it. Fortunately, he was by himself. I’m sure this new “religion” will be quashed as soon as their mothers find out, panic, burn the books, and start protesting to save their impressionable young daughters. If not, at least let me dream.

    • It gives me a very “otherkin/otakin” vibe.

      Don’t even get me started on those people.

    • Magistrate of Mediocrety Says:

      Actually, far from a good quashing, I foresee a Cullenism reformists revolution in the near future. Apparently, there’s a small radical faction believe everyone has the ability to interpret SMeyer’s word. This of course is in direct conflict with the hard-liners of the old order who maitain that SMeyer can only reach the masses through specially chosen and ordained priests.

  13. Android 21 3/7 Says:

    Okay, after looking around, I’ve decided that it must be one big trolling joke. Or at least I hope it is.

    • Good. God. What hellish people would just randomly think ‘oh, hey, let’s create a PEOPLE KILLING MONSTER is the WOMB for FUN. Oh, and to make it EXCITING let’s make it out of YARN and FELT.’ WTF?

  14. …Wait WHAT. No. No. Tell me it’s all a joke. A really horrible joke. CULLENISM? Are you SERIOUS, children?!?!

    *cries and goes somewhere to mourn the death of sanity*

  15. It can’t be called a religion until it has with stood logical and honest criticism for years, part of being a religion is….. I mean understanding your beliefs will be questioned and still standing behind them when the dust settles.

  16. Moonshade Says:

    You think THIS is bad? No, this is literary genius compared to Breaking Dawn. Seriously.

    Plot holes you can drive a semi through, vomitacious childbirth scenes, pedophilia, it’s just one bit WTFestival.

  17. Stephanie Mayer, equals the best vampire novel authour ever?
    What about the works of Anne Rice, Hidejuki Kichuki, Poppy Z. Brite (ok, so her books are far more macabre than vampiery, but read Lost Souls. You’ll never want to hump a vampire ever again), and what about the one who started the popular culture of Vampire novels; Bram Stoker?
    Gods… to make Twilight a “religion” is an abonination to those who already follow vampyrism as a way of life.
    I’d much rather believe in the gospel of Jack Sparrow (“wanton women/men, free rum, and treasure hunts for all”. Please add what ever you feel fits best), or the temple of Jim Henson’s The Labyrinth (Willing slaves for the Goblin King, join up now!). Heck.
    Anybody else with better religions based on fiction?

    • What about the religion of Silent Hill? “Conceive a god with some weird liquid. Wait, you spat out our god!!! Wait, okay, everything’s fine, I ate the god, she should be fully developed in a second, after I birth her. WAIT HOLY CRAP I’M TURNING INTO A MONSTER. Wheee!!”

      Oh, wait, you said “Better”.

    • One vote for the Order of the Rum-er, I mean, Sparrow.

      Also, how about the Religion of the Scarheads? Hell, let’s go along with the fundamentalists and actually MAKE the Potter series a neopaganistic religion!

    • anony mouse Says:

      My friend Rachael is the founder of Discworldism (as I like to call it), a religion based on the Discworld series by Terry Pratchett. She’s one of the most obsessive fangirls you will ever meet. It’s scary.

  18. Oh, just thought of another thing…
    If there truly were vampires, and/or immortals, wouldn’t they either have created their own religions/cults (I mean, the proof of a god is for him/her to be around for a VERY long time, and people not being able to kill said “deity” off), or take the roles of various present day deities (as an immortal you would have had ample ammount of time to educate yourself in the dogmas, lores, and whatnots of a countrys history, religion and whatnot) visiting earth and taking charge of a world fucked up by mankind in general…
    At least that’s what I would’ve done… after a while.

  19. what.

  20. Sarcasmfeeder Says:

    I know this is kind of late, and you’re already on, what, Eclipse, but this means you can poke even MORE fun at them! It will infuriate them! Please! I need to inform my friends of this blog!!! They will be FURIOUS!!!

  21. Cullenism and Bella’s felty uterus-eating-foetus womb? Oh, ye gods and little fishies, now I really HAVE seen it all.

    I hope they’re joking. I really, REALLY hope that those Cullenists are joking. REALLY. Because to be honest, I have never heard of a more creepy cult, even the Kool-Aid one. Apparently if you’re bad during life, you go to “James’ cave”. James is dead. They can’t even follow their own Bible (the books), how sad is that?! Not to mention that their Bible is infinitely ill-written and full of more bat guano than I’d care to mention.

    Has anyone heard that Twilighters are beginning to violently attack people who assault the books/movies, even in passing? Drowning, chokingm punching, and beating have all been employed to make Anti-Sparklers repent. I’m really grateful I read REAL vampire fiction before it was too late… STOP THE MADNESS.

  22. You mean an actual cult of Kool-Aid?
    I’d join that.

    Someone needs to let Smeyer (who is supposedly a Mormon) know about this… I mean, really. Maybe she’d organize a burning of her own books to preserve her spot in heaven or whatever. I’d bring the kerosene.

    • Android 21 3/7 Says:

      Yes. An actual cult of Kool-Aid. I wouldn’t join, but I’d show up for public gatherings for the free sugar water and Kool-aid packets.

  23. Johnny T. Says:

    You do know the Daily Mail is what reported the ‘Black Parade suicide’, right? The band members are quite outspoken against suicide, and besides, the Daily Mail is a tabloid. It’s the British equivalent of the Enquirer.

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