Chapter Eight

You didn’t think I was serious, did you?

Jacob begins the arduous process of teaching Bella how to ride a motorcycle. Or, rather, he would, if the author herself knew anything about riding a motorcycle.

They finally get the stupid thing started, and as Bella begins to accelerate forward, she, of course, hears Edward’s voice in her head.

“This is reckless and childish and idiotic, Bella,” the velvet voice fumed.

I love how she never imagines him apologizing for hurting her, or telling her how much he loves her. He just orders her around some more.

She’s so surprised to hear his voice in her head that she falls over, bike on top of her. Her psychotic Edisode is all “I told you so,” even though he was the one who made her fall, and Jacob helps her back up.  The more she tries the bike, the more she hallucinates Edward trying to control her some more, which, for some reason, makes her happy. When she finally starts zooming down the road, his voice distracts her to the point where she misses her turn, forgets how to turn, and slams on the brakes. She fishtails and ends up with her head in the ground.

Despite the fact that she was going so fast it was “blowing my skin against my skull and flinging my hair back behind me with enough force that it felt like someone was tugging on it,” and the fact that she wasn’t wearing a helmet, the stupid bitch is not dead. The bike lands on her, she takes a face dive, and she just sort of bleeds from her head a little. That’s it.

Jacob insists on driving her to the hospital. Bella resists, because the hospital, will, of course, ask questions. Good God. He takes off his shirt and wraps it around her head, puts the bikes in the back of the truck. The drop the bikes off at his garage, she goes home to change out of her bloody, muddy clothes, and then they go to the ER. Yes. She took a dive, head-first, from a motorcycle going at least 45 miles an hour, but she’s cool enough to make a couple of pitstops before moseying on down to the hospital. Jesus Christ. Is there any semblance of realism in these books?

Also, she hopes that the ER can stitch her up quickly, so she can try to kill herself again tonight. Edward, my love, I’m coming! ♥

She takes some time to stare at Jacob while he’s missing a shirt.

Jacob noticed my scrutiny.

“What?” he asked, suddenly self-conscious.

“Nothing. I just hadn’t realized before. Did you know, you’re sort of beautiful?”

Once the words slipped out, I worried that he might take my impulsive observation the wrong way.

Wow. Way to “break it off,” you little slut. I’m sure he won’t get the wrong idea now.

Anyway, she has seven stitches in her head, ho hum. Bella’s very clumsy so she’s used to this sort of thing by now. Remember, guys? Remember her one flaw? Remember how very clumsy she is? She tells her father that she fell and hit her head on a hammer in Jacob’s garage, which Charlie doesn’t really give a second thought to. I love how she can lie without a second thought.

She seems to be healing, at any rate. The pain of losing her ~*one true love*~ isn’t as intense now that she’s got delusions and Jacob the Wonder Rebound to keep her distracted.

We get a time-skip of about two weeks, and narrative is introduced by way of saying that Bella was in the ER again and this time Charlie doesn’t buy the “I fell” excuse.

“Maybe you should just stay out of the garage altogether, Bella,” he suggested that night during dinner.

I panicked, worried that Charlie was about to lay down some kind of edict that would prohibit La Push, and consequently my motorcycle. And I wasn’t giving it up–I’d had the most amazing hallucination today. My velvet-voiced delusion had yelled at me for almost five minute before I’d hit the brake too abruptly and launched myself into the tree.

Some people use drugs, or sex with strangers. Bella uses head injury.

“This didn’t happen in the garage,” I protested quickly. “We were hiking, and I tripped over a rock.”

“Since when do you hike?” Charlie asked skeptically.

You know, a good father would have gone “mysterious injuries, bizarre cover-up stories… what is that boy doing to you?” Charlie just sort of lets her convince him it’s because she was working at a sporting goods store and it “rubbed off” on her.

In all fairness, I like that Bella is actually, you know, doing things in life, even if her reasons are self-destructive and harmful on multiple levels. Now that Edward is gone, she seems to have some modicum of freedom, freedom that Jacob is keen to encourage in her. It’s too bad everyone keeps telling me that Smeyer later writes Jacob as a major flaming douche bag. I guess she realized that she’d made Jacob more likable than her supposed hero and had to fix it, fast.

Bella complains to Jacob that Charlie is getting nosy, and he suggests they cool the bikes. Bella tries to think of some other possible way she could encourage her mental trauma, and decides that they should try to find that one meadow where vampires transform from creepy, subtly malignant, abusive metrosexuals, into creepy, subtly malignant, abusive and sparkling metrosexuals.

Jacob, an injun, already knows everything there is to know about hiking. He plots out a course for their hike, joking about seeing the “super bear.” When they finally get to where they’re going, he’s surprised to see that Bella didn’t take the clearly marked trail. Yeah, so was I. But Bella felt ~*so safe*~ around Edward, so being dragged off into the woods never registered on her non-existent danger senses.

There’s some pretty riveting hiking going on here, but I’ll spare you the details. Bella eventually asks if Jacob’s heard from Embry since he joined Samentology. Jacob says he hasn’t, gets all bummed, and puts an arm around Bella. Her justification for not shaking it off and attempting to reestablish their boundaries is he just looked sooo sad. Good God, I hate this bitch.

Anyway, they don’t find the meadow, and agree to try tomorrow. I seriously feel like I just wasted 10 minutes of my life reading this chapter. Why won’t something happen. Is this honestly how Stephenie thinks a book should go? 19 chapters of absolutely nothing and then seven chapters of hastily cobbled-together contrivances that might pass for plot in an alternate reality where all of us have goatees, scars, or eye-patches? For Christ’s sake, she could have cut all this “character development” bull she’s so freaking proud of and condensed her whole hateful, virulent series into one God damn book.

Please, Stephenie, please, inflict your midlife crisis on someone else.

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46 Responses to “Chapter Eight”

  1. BB with an Eyepatch Says:

    I come from a terrible and distant dimension to tell you some things are universal constants.

  2. Softspoken Says:

    I find it very depressing that you quoted that paragraph about delusions. Well, not that you quoted it… But that it was there to be quoted. If I EVER mentally verbalized the sentence “My velvet-voiced delusion had yelled at me for almost five minute before I’d hit the brake too abruptly and launched myself into the tree” then my next thought would have to be:

    “Wait, WHAT AM I DOING TO MYSELF?”

  3. I think Jacob is one of the reasons I kept reading the books. I actually liked him (and his whole side of the story is actually fairly interesting to me) and thought he could do so much better then Bella.

    And yes, they assassinate his character in later books, because indeed, some people had the decency to actually like him better then Edward.

    Though I admit, Edward’s point of view is much more fascinating then Bella’s. Once you are done, you have to analyze that too. The blog won’t be complete unless you do.

  4. Millenous Laughter Says:

    So we’re all agreed that it’s not that Bella was born “off” somehow, but rather that it’s repeated cranial trauma?

    Just looking for a consensus here…

    • fantasyforever Says:

      They actually mention in “Midnight Sun” that on an Xray Carlise can see “multiple old contusions” on her head and asked “How many times did her mother drop her as a child??” XD

      • Does that have any correlation with how many times SMeyer was dropped on her head?

      • Millenous Laughter Says:

        Remember kiddies, every time you touch yourself, Smeyer makes Bella fall down and hit her head.

        Or maybe she writes another novel. I can’t remember which one it was.

        • One would send me into a frenzy of self-abuse. The other would condemn me to a lifetime of abstinence. I NEED TO KNOW.

  5. “She’s so surprised to hear his voice in her head that she falls over, bike on top of her. Her psychotic Episode is all “I told you so,” even though he was the one who made her fall, and Jacob helps her back up.”

    This whole scene made me laugh. If we go in knowing that Edward is a f-ked up monster it’s pretty funny. But yeah the lack of realism is scary. No helmet?? wtf!

  6. Forsakentale Says:

    I’d had the most amazing hallucination today. My velvet-voiced delusion had yelled at me for almost five minute before I’d hit the brake too abruptly and launched myself into the tree.
    I don’t know if I laugh my ass off with this image or if I think it’s ridiculous the way a teen girl describe offhanded something really really really sick. Not just sick, but Jacob’s Ladder-kind-of-sick.
    I’ll just giggle and say “WTF” for the time being… (and wonder how she just couldn’t die after hitting a freaking tree…)

    • I know. It’s just.. she’s so casually like “I’m schizophrenic! :D” I… I just… wow.

    • I think I’ve known people like this, really, but they didn’t consider the voices in their heads “delusions.” Even schizophrenics who think of those voices as delusions would not seek them out. I just… there’s no response to this. There really isn’t.

      My only guess with the “not dying after falling sideways off a bike at 45 mph / ramming into a tree from braking too hard” is that SMeyer doesn’t know jack about motorcycles (or, y’know, physics) and figures only supernatural ways of dying should count. So maybe ramming a motorcycle into a werewolf mega-bear would do the trick?

      • Forsakentale Says:

        Trying not to ripoff plotlines from Buffy and Anne Rice like usual mortals do when writing a crappy fic about vampires, SMeyer just get stuff from Highlander. Bella McSchizo is the ONE.
        We should chop her head off.

  7. A Chapter 8 Hiku:

    Bella’s head slams down
    Into the pavement; a red smear
    is all the remains

    A Chapter 8.5 Hiku:

    Well, the first Hiku
    Is how it should have happened, but
    this book is non-sense

    Hey, i think im getting a nack of this Hiku thing!

  8. Rat Queen Says:

    I saw chapters 6-8 up and started giggling in glee.

    Also: I learned how to ride a motorcycle, and all I can say is YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG BELLA. That’s just ridiculous. She would be dead or hospitalized for um months after flying off a bike going 45 mph. And flying into a tree? Definitely hospitalized. The first one would have taken off most of her skin if it hadn’t scrambled her brains and broken her neck/back/skull.

    owaitguys Bella lacks a brain. She runs on sparkles and plot holes! 8D

  9. huh – this review made me realize two things I hadn’t noticed before

    on the topic of Bella being OH SO CLUMSY and used to injuries all the time –
    if she is really that fucking clumsy, shouldn’t she be a patchwork of scars? scuffmarks and burns and cuts and stitch scars … huh, gee, something that could lend credibility to an obviously attractive girl honestly thinking she’s nothing special (or even ugly) – because she’s self-conscious of her numerous scars? HUH.
    another bullet point to that “this series could be fascinating if characters reacted realistically” list

    and
    >>”I guess she realized that she’d made Jacob more likable than her supposed hero and had to fix it, fast.”<<
    my god I think you’re on to something
    IT ALL MAKES SO MUCH SENSE NOW.

    • okay you know what. on the bike thing.
      i won’t touch on the helmet thing; that’s really a legal matter, and common sense. yes you SHOULD wear a helmet when you’re learning to ride, yes it’s illegal not to, yes it’s stupid not to wear one anyway. i learned to ride without one, and yes, it was fucking retarded and i’m lucky. but, i didn’t run into trees, either.

      now, look… an ex-friend of mine got t-boned by a car on his motorcycle. he had a small bike, too, only 250 cc. he was doing between 40 to 50 mph, and the car was doing MAYBE 20 mph, if that (the car shot through a yield sign).
      he was very, very lucky, especially as he wasn’t wearing a helmet. he flew over the car completely and hit the side of the road, landing on his right foot and then crumpled onto his side; he managed to scramble out of the road into the ditch. his leather jacket and leather chaps were fucked from scraping on pavement – also, he was wearing steeltoe boots, and his right boot was shorn down to small holes in the steel toe cap (the leather was stripped right off). imagine what this would have done to his skin had he skipped the leathers that day.
      he broke his right ankle and sprained his knee, but other than bruises he was okay. as i said, extremely lucky.

      his bike was completely fucked. the forks were completely snapped off (apparently the springs made a pretty interesting sound when this happened!) … for folks that know nothing about motorcyles; look up a picture of a ‘GZ 250′ – now imagine the front wheel has been OFF of the bike entirely.
      yeah.

      but, well.
      you know.
      wait ’til you get to the dedication at the end, and SMeyer claims someone actually taught her to ride :]

  10. fantasyforever Says:

    My father rides motorcycles and my best friend used to. What they have told me does not match up with the “accidents” in these books.

    She should at least have a HORRIBLE case of road-rash if nothing else. She skidding through the DIRT (and a TREE for godsakes). I’ve done that before, no fun and you’re fucked up wherever your body touched the dirt DX And it’s REALLY OBVIOUSLY not a “hammer” or a “rock” that did it.

    …But I doubt Charlie would notice anyways. XP

  11. Nadramon Says:

    Man oh man, you sure are impressive. I never was able to go past the second chapter… But strangely enough, the books are MUCH more enjoyable through from perspective!

    …a lot more frightening, too. At least when I went to see the movie, I, as expected, had a good laugh. Seriously, how can they call all this cliché crap “modern Romeo and Juliet” is beyond me… But apparently the movie makers made sure the abuse was far less obvious.

    That one tag you sent REALLY scared me. Even more so since I happen to know of fourty years old women who loved the whole series, movie included… I… I honestly fear for mankind in general and women in particular right now…

    *sigh* “Better laugh about it than cry over it”, as the saying goes, I still love those tags you make! But I’m not positive they’re worth the pain of reading the “book”, so I’m not so sure I should encourage you to go on.

    But seriously, this is getting ridiculous… How come not a SINGLE reader noticed this helmet issue?! Either SMeyer has a blatant lack of common sense (I never rode a bike in my life and even I know that much…), or she never left her room since the day she was born. Actually, the latter would explain a lot of things… Maybe she was raised by Carl, too?

    By the way, remember, girls: playing with beautiful, younger teens’ feelings after you were dumped is perfectly alright, so long as it makes you feel better. I know I’ll always remember the wisdom of these books.

    Oh and in case you’re wondering I was recommended this blog by a friend. Who, like myself, happens to have a lot of friends who’re crazy about Twilight. We feel your pain, so thanks for the wonderful tags you’re writing, it does lighten it greatly.

  12. Magistrate of Mediocrety Says:

    “And I wasn’t giving it up–I’d had the most amazing hallucination today. My velvet-voiced delusion had yelled at me for almost five minute before I’d hit the brake too abruptly and launched myself into the tree.”
    Is that seriously in the book? My. God.
    Perhaps this is Smeyer’s “homage” to Hamlet, namely, Ophelia’s tragic decent into self destructive madness.

  13. Interimname Says:

    Yes, Bella! It’s not like your repeated head injuries could be causing some kind of mental malfunction. You don’t need real medical attention, since after all, Edward will be back soon! He’ll just bite you and everything will be perfect and sparkly and good just like it was before! Don’t ask your parents if there’s any family history of mental illness.

    Except the part where your life with Edward has been punctuated entirely by physical injury and emotional abuse. Whatever. No biggie. Just rack up as many concussions as possible.

    But I guess it raises the possibility that the entire series of books is playing out in her head. Which makes it slightly less detestable. Kinda’. Almost. Maybe.

    • I discovered the books were actually tolerable if I just envisioned the entire thing as Bella’s head-injury induced hallucinations, so maybe you’re onto something.

      Or maybe the only way this series makes sense is if you’re tripping balls. (Don’t try this at home, kids! :Dd)

  14. its a soap opera in book form. the acting sucks, the story sucks, and somehow you just can’t stop.

  15. Ilirien Says:

    “Is this honestly how Stephenie thinks a book should go? 19 chapters of absolutely nothing and then seven chapters of hastily cobbled-together contrivances that might pass for plot in an alternate reality where all of us have goatees, scars, or eye-patches?”

    If you think it’s bad now, just wait til you get to Breaking Spawn, I mean, Dawn. I still can’t believe I wasted the brain cells on that mass of crap….

  16. Mistress Dizzy Says:

    …*headdesk* That bit about her enjoying her hallucinations sounds like she was enjoying an acid trip.

    That would explain a good dose of these books, wouldn’t it?

    In fact, that would be a fun ending. Bella waking up in rehab and no one being really supernatural. Eddie and the Cullens just being snooty goth kids, Jacob being the nice Native American boy who got used.. And the entire series of books being one massive detox induced hallucination.

    Any fanfic writers crazy enough to touch that may have it. Also, send me links, plz.

  17. Millenous Laughter Says:

    Having reviewed Smeyer’s own website, she claimed to have been looking forward to the 4th book, because by then all of the characters had been fully developed, and she would be able to concentrate on pure plot.

    Obviously, the 4th book is a massive 63 pages.

  18. As a gift for me on this day — your birthday (because I am the one who gave you life) I would like a chapter nine recap. Thank you.

  19. This blog is absolutely brilliant! I followed a link from Feywinds a week or two ago, but I’m posting now to say the previous sentence and to direct you to the link that I stuck in my name. It made me happy, and goes along with this blog perfectly. Keep up the hilarious work, and thank you for suffering so others don’t have to. ^__~

  20. Rat Queen Says:

    Man, I totally can’t help but want to write a Dracula-esque story with the Cullen family actually being a bunch of creepers instead of worshiped by everyone.

    Karl von Dracul, and his wife, sons, with Alyss and her love…

  21. I’ve never read the books, but it seems as if Smeyer is a little racist or at least racially ignorant when it comes to Native Americans. Like any moment any or all of them could start singing ‘Colors of the Wind’…

  22. Some people use drugs, or sex with strangers. Bella uses head injury.

    man, your hilarious.

  23. She took a dive, head-first, from a motorcycle going at least 45 miles an hour, but she’s cool enough to make a couple of pitstops before moseying on down to the hospital. Jesus Christ. Is there any semblance of realism in these books?

    Well, actually, yes.
    A few years ago, i worked with a woman who accidentally stuck herself in the butt with a knife (nevermind how she did this). Instead of heading straight for the ER, she went home first to clean up & do some other stuff.
    Come to find out, she had a brain tumor at the time, which seriously affected her judgement. Maybe Bella pin-brain has a tumor as well. That would explain a lot.

  24. That Motorcycle accident story is just… ARGH!

    My father rode one when he was younger (he’ll be 52 this december), and he drives one now.

    When he was 19(I’m not sure, he could have been older), he was in an accident.

    He starts to drive after stopping for a crossways(probably not the word, but you get what I mean), but when he’s almost in the street, some moron ignores the traffic rules, and drives straight out. Luckily in front of dad, not into him. Too bad it’s to small a distance for my dad to stop. he rams into the side of the car, and is launched across the street(thankfully not a very traficked place!). He might have been going at 30 km/h, at the very most.

    Result? He broke one of his legs and sprained his wrist. Oh- and he ended up with epilepsy- which he still takes medication for today- over 30 years later.

    And you know what more? My father was wearing protective clothes(leather)- and a HELMET. He drove at a lower speed than Bella was, did not fly right into anything directly but simply hit his head somewhat hard on the ground.

    Since when is Bella THIS superhuman? Even with a helmet, this kind of accident could easily have killed her.

    Oh, wait! I know. She was protected by her THICK SKULL, which is superior to a motorcycle helmet..

  25. CrabOfDoom Says:

    I’m really confused: if Edward can’t read Bella’s thoughts, then how the hell is he getting into them to scream at her being all stoopid and stuff? I’ve been fascinated with telepathy for years, and I just can’t figure out how this works. Not being able to read should mean there’s a natural block occurring and the brain’s just off-limits. It’s not like entering a pitch black room where you can get in but can’t see anything. You’re either in, or you aren’t.

    • CrabofDoom makes a very good point. As someone who laboured through the four books just so i knew what i was dissing, i never once thought of that. suddenly i feel very stupid. :(

      Watched New Moon yesterday. I don’t know whom Kristen is channeling but she makes Bella seem even more vacant and vapid. Jacob’s rather decent (and YUM) and the scenes where it’s just the two of them are actually watchable. at least the script attempts to better the book.

  26. I know it was a while back you asked for T-shirt ideas, but seriously… “Jacob: The Wonder Rebound!” is an absolute must! Love it!

  27. You know, it says a lot that in one of those quotes Bella is over the moon about having a “five minute delusion”, and is supremely happy to hear her “love” yelling at her. This is just sick after sick after sick.

    It’s also telling that Jacob “suggests” they cool down on the bikes. Edward never suggests, he orders. If he didn’t want to, he would’ve just stopped it, and probably torched Bella’s bike to make sure.

  28. FoxFace Says:

    Am I the only person who doesn’t like Jacob? Even before he turned into the sexually harrassing puppy dog, he’s still kind of annoying. I definitely prefer Edward…although that might just be because he is played by Cedric Diggory… 0_0

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