Chapter Six

I was going to play my level 80 Blood Elf mage in World of Warcraft all night, because I am a lonely, bitter nerd, with no life or social activity, and so I could never possibly understand the intricacies and complexities of utter vampire devotion…

But the servers seem to be down.

So you guys get a recap.

Jacob immediately sets to work disassembling the bikes while Bella watches. He chatters on about everything and Bella is just happy to have him fill the void in her bleeding, broken soul. He mentions his friends, Quil and Embry (yeah. I know), and as luck would have it, they show up! We get a brief description of what they look like without knowing which is which, and then it’s never really clarified. So they are now going to be known as the Quilbry.

Quilbry both seem pretty hot for Bella right away, like every other man in this part of the country. When they find out that Jacob is working on the bikes, though, suddenly it’s all testosterone. Bella makes some comment to the effect of “they’re talking about mechanical stuff and I’m just a girl, teehee,” which only makes me love her that much more. Really. I would lovingly leave her to die in a desert.

Bella eventually excuses herself because she has to go home and make dinner for Charlie. You know how it is, living with a man–it’s always “do my laundry” this and “get back in the kitchen” that. She assures Jacob that she’ll be back tomorrow, and the Quilbry snicker and elbow each other. When Bella adds that Jacob needs to give her riding lessons, his friends make a dirty joke and Jacob smacks them. We don’t actually know what the dirty joke is, because sex is naughty and wrong. But describing literal and symbolic gore with as much detail as possible is okay.

Bella leaves as Jacob wrassles with his crazy friends, marveling at how she’s actually happy. Yes, using someone as your emotional medication will do that. Charlie is suspicious, now, of all times, and asks questions about what she did all day. She avoids the whole dangerous motorcycle trying-to-indirectly-commit-suicide thing and just says she hung out with Jacob. Bella goes up to bed, weary, knowing she’ll have her (infamous) screaming nightmare again, and…

Wakes up in the morning with no problems.

Hey, that Jacob kid is really good for what ails you.

Lots of narrative about how she’s afraid the numbness will come back, but focusing on using her crutch seeing Jacob staves it off. They both go to the dump, in the rain, to look for carparts. Bella comments on how nice and cheerful Jacob is. Yeah, it’s almost like he’s a normal kid without a crippling social defect like I don’t know being a self-loathing manic-depressive who threatens to kill his girlfriend when she tongue-kisses him.

It’s riveting.

They joke about how it seems like one of the Quilbry likes Bella, and Bella insists he–whichever one he is-is too young. A year and a few months, Jacob points out stiffly, as he is now talking about himself, is not too young. They immediately get into a competition wherein life experience earns you extra years on your age. Yeah. Guess who wins that one. I’ll give you a hint–it’s not the person who’s spent 17 years just lying around waiting to be paired up with a controlling pulse-less freak.

They’re in the garage when Charlie stops by. He’s surprised to see his daughter happy. I’m surprised he even freaking noticed. It looks like the whole block comes down to have spaghetti. It’s a good old-fashioned Lost Tribe of Israel family dinner.

It’s super riveting.

Bella comes home, writes her mom an email, and, oh, right, she has the screaming nightmare again. This time, Sam Uley is in it. Why does she keep having prophetic dreams? Is there a reason? You can spoil me on this one, readers. Is this going to be her vampire power?

So she wakes up and eats breakfast and goes to school and crap the running commentary on every daily event is back. I’m not sure which I would rather go with–the melodramatic description of her broken heart, or the “Then I did this. Then I did this. Then this happened” style narrative.

At lunch, Bella realizes things like some of her friends are now single, some of them have changed their hair, and other things that would have been obvious to people were they not wrapped up in their own self-created drama consisting largely of “WAAAH WHO’S GOING TO DRIVE ME EVERYWHERE NOW.”

The conversation turns somehow to the bear/wolf/wolfman people keep seeing. Lauren, the bitch from last book (she was a bitch because she didn’t like Bella), is making fun of people who think they’ve seen it. Bella jumps in with “No, these crusty guys at work were talking about it yesterday.”

And everybody just stares at her.

They try to recover–Mike quicker than the others–and include her in the conversation. Hey guys, Bella’s back! Yaaaaay.

After the conversation, Angela thanks Bella for jumping in for her, and then says it’s good to have her back.

You know, here’s a thought. Maybe my circle of friends is somehow paranormal, but if one of us was depressed and refusing to leave the house, for whatever reason (say, “my parents have divorced and in only a few months remarried to people I’ve never even met,” or “I just found out my ex-girlfriend is a psychotic character-assassinating bitch and I’m terrified everyone believes what she said and now hates me,”) we march over there, demand that they answer their phone or the door, and we drag them out of the God damn house. We don’t just sit and watch them suffer silently, hoping that maybe if we just ignore their depression it will go away.

Where does Bella find these people?

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32 Responses to “Chapter Six”

  1. A chapter 6 Hiku:

    Anthromorphic Sex
    Jacob could ravish Bella
    That would be so hot

    “psychotic character-assassinating bitch”

    That is my favorite.

  2. Michael Says:

    Well if you really must know, that is not her wompire powers, actually it has to do with the fact that Edward can’t read her mind (yes it isn’t because it’s empy..yeah..bummer.)

    • Wait, really?

      It’s not that she can’t stand blood and like, doesn’t get blood frenzies or something? Or that she had prophetic dreams in her normal life, so she has … uh, SUPER prophetic dreams later?

      So it has to do with Edward not being able to read her mind. Huh. That’s lame.

      • Michael Says:

        Oh wait..yes well it turns out that Bella is THE wompire she has more than one power… man some day when i read the fourth one….*runs with his twilighters friends* it has come to me attention that Bella in vampire mode doesn’t have frenzies (so she is super cool and doesn’t want to eat humans) and by courtesy of yahoo answers “She has a force field that she can spread around people. Mostly when she is angry she can make her force field very large. Her power is one of the better powers in the family. She’s very strong for her young age of a vampire. So yes she will most likely be one of the stronger vampires in the world.” Thanks Bay. Yup those are her powers

      • Forsakentale Says:

        Don’t forget she becomes so uber cool and gracious like a cat or whatever… something like… OMG she’s so not clumsy anymore guys!
        Who needs crappy books whan Wikipedia has all the spoilers for you? Hah!

      • See, in the world of normal people having SUPER prophetic dreams would be enough of a power, but UH OH VAMPIRES DONT SLEEP WHATTAMI GONNA DO???

        Uh. . uh. . . SUPER SHIELD dun-da-DA

      • Rat Queen Says:

        It’s not a REAL force-field though. It’s like a mind block. SHE CAN EXTEND HER VAPIDNESS TO NEARBY PEOPLE (so that they aren’t affected by mental powers) which is kinda ridic.

        Also her “cat-like grace” makes me snicker. She goes from being a Mary-Sue SHE’S CLUMSY REMEMBER GUYS to not even pretending anymore >,o

        Vampirism: It’s good for what ails you!

      • basically, because Bella’s mind is SO STRONG (lmfao at that one) she can keep anyone from having any access to her mind (lucky them) except her supermutant spawn. and she has no desire to eat people, because, hello, that would cause conflict and wouldn’t tie everything up in a nice, neat little package making everyone happy. ugh. screw this. it’s like literary vomit.

  3. Millenous Laughter Says:

    Wait, they count as her friends? Didn’t she, like, shun them mercilessly for a good 2 years or however-the-hell-long she’s been there?

    • Yyyeah, I guess they count as friends. The only person who isn’t immediately like YAAAAY WELCOME BACK is Jessica, who is still pissed at her for being crazy. Oh, and Lauren, who says something sarcastic about her. I like Lauren.

      • Millenous Laughter Says:

        So either they’re incredibly vapid, and consider the occasional lunch together every few months as “friendship,” or just incredibly desperate to be friends with “hot girl who ignores us because we’re not as socially acceptable as her – oh, and she’s mysterious and cool and extra hot because she comes from somewhere outside the state!”

      • Small town people are stupid!

      • Millenous Laughter Says:

        It’s all relative in Forks?

    • Being a complete and utter Mary Sue. That is her special vampy power.

      No, I’m not kidding, because from what my friends have said (I only got through the first book, sorta, and refused to let myself feel any more pain) she is just super-wonderful-awesome-great at EVERYTHING. She has no flaws and can basically do anything she puts her mind to. She is Super Vampire.

      • That’s just so awesome.

      • Moonshade Says:

        Wait till you get to the epilogue of the fourth book– I laughed so hard I cried:

        “So… um… yeah. Bella, I know you didn’t do anything but kind of stand there and glare, and Alice did all the hard work that saved us all, and the rest of us came up with the day-saving plan and all, but… um… you saved the day…?”

        When suddenly Smeyer realizes that her Sue honestly isn’t good for anything.

  4. Rachel H. Says:

    Yeah, the bad thing is, the magical Prophetic Dreams have nothing to do with her future vampire-ness. They are just random Mary-Sue Bella-ness, so that Bella can know what’s going to happen next in the book, but of course she doesn’t piece it together because… she’s Bella.

    I love this review thing you’re doing… I’ve got all my friends hooked on it :)

  5. If you don’t like Lauren wait until you meet Leah. She’s actually a really interesting character… but she doesn’t like Bella so she is treated as a lying, weak, self-serving bitch. My theory is that Meyers is putting people she doesnt like in real life as villains against her precious bella

    • That wouldn’t surprise me in the least, lol. Anyone who doesn’t like Bella is immediately characterized as weak in some way. Because if somebody doesn’t like you, they must be a bad person.

  6. no magical vampire powers later – the prophetic dreams exist solely to prove that Smeyer has no fucking idea how to write foreshadowing or twists.

    to be fair, maybe her ‘friends’ DID try to drag her out? what happened in those four or five months we totally skipped? maybe her friends did try to pry her out of her shell and just fucking gave up – watching someone determined to drown themselves in their own misery for months would make me give up, too. especially at 17.

    • That’s true, her friends maybe could have given it a shot. I just get the feeling that they largely ignored her for four months, since I think that’s what they did anyway, when she was an active member of Cullenism.

      • well, to be fair I guess, if there was a family of WEIRD INBRED (?) BEAUTIFUL SELF-OSTRACIZED PEOPLE and a new girl shows up, seems pretty cool, and in a few months starts hanging out with one of the BEAUTIFUL LONERS I probably would’ve given up on her pretty goddamn quick too. (not that I’d have much more patience now, for that matter.)

        OF COURSE this is all reading into it too far, inasmuch as assuming these characters act and think like real people.

  7. Android 21 3/7 Says:

    Why, she found them in Forks obviously. Poor people of Forks, Washington. They get such a bad rep from this series, really.

  8. Mistress Dizzy Says:

    Considering the way she treated them, I’m not exactly surprised that they didn’t exactly fall all over themselves to help her. She’s pretty much getting the same amount of effort she put into the relationship herself. Basically nil. Exactly what she deserves.

  9. My friends did that to me. Just left me in the house for two or three months. My mom had cancer, we’d just filed bankruptcy, and I had gotten laid off.

    I got better and got new friends =3

  10. your writing makes me seriously lol. And yah about the “naughty” joke, in breaking dawn smeyer goes on for chapters describing her physicial relationship with edward and she really isnt creative enough to come up with a “Naughty” *wink,wink* joke.

  11. CrabOfDoom Says:

    Every time I see “Forks”, I don’t think of trails or rivers. I think of eating utensils, probably with food stuck on them, left in the sink to soak. Which brings up thoughts of SMeyer glancing around her kitchen. “Hmm, need a town name. Coffeepot? No. Cheetoh! That’s almost an injun word! Nah. Pretzel?” *looks to sink* *eureka*

  12. “I just found out my ex-girlfriend is a psychotic character-assassinating bitch and I’m terrified everyone believes what she said and now hates me”

    I know that one personally. Not fun.

  13. Can I just say this is the best thing ever?

    Cause it is.

  14. Actually, you asked where she found these people. You remember how you said “What would high schoolers think? . . . haughty, high-and-mighty little bitch” Maybe while she was gone all the students had an ephipany (I know I spelled that wrong): Bella really sucks!

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