Chapter Five

Completely off-topic, but Prince of Persia blew my freaking mind. Easily worth the two traded-in-games-that-came-free-with-our-PS3 and $30.

Chapter five begins at Bella’s part-time job. That’s right. She has a job. See, Stephenie is sensitive to women’s rights. Bella works at Newton’s, the sports store owned by Mike’s family. Two grizzled old camper-type-guys are talking about running into a black bear, bigger than a grizzly. Why didn’t they describe it as a big, black grizzly? Nobody knows! Is that foreshadowing I smell? I don’t know why the hell a werewolf would look like a bear, but whatever!

Bella drives home, and explains how… no, you know what. You get a quote.

I always had nightmares now, every night. Not nightmares, really, not in the plural, because it was always the same nightmare. You’d think I’d get bored after so many months, grow immune to it. But the dream never failed to horrify me, and only ended when I woke myself with screaming. Charlie didn’t  come in to see  what was wrong anymore, to make sure there was no intruder strangling me or something like that–he was used to it now.

I’m going to rephrase that in outraged, big girl English.

Bella has night terrors every night for four months.

Every night for four months she wakes up screaming.

Every night for four months.

Charlie learns to ignore it. Charlie, a cop, learns to ignore the fact that, after finding his little girl unconscious, alone, and disoriented in the woods, she wakes herself up screaming every night.

What. THE. HELL.

You know, I’ve been accused multiple times of overthinking this series. I’ve been told I need to set aside the criticism and just enjoy it. There is a significant difference between suspending my disbelief and turning my brain off altogether. This would never happen. THIS WOULD NEVER HAPPEN.

Oh GOD I feel like I need to hit something. Did this woman know a God damn thing about realistic human behavior before she wrote this? Jesus H. Christ.

Okay. Let me calm down. Gotta center myself.

Bella describes her nightmare, which is basically just her alone in the woods looking for Edward and he’s not there. Yeah, that’s it. Good, classic symptom of a night terror–dreaming about some impossible task that triggers anxiety. I’d like to point out that night terror sufferers will also exhibit signs of depression. I could just choke somebody right now.

Thinking about how hard life is and how much she hurts now that her controlling abusive boyfriend has dumped her makes her stop the car and curl up on the seat. She explains how now that she looks like hell with pale pasty skin and black circles under her eyes, she could almost pass for a vampire now! Right? RIGHT?! I COULD TOTALLY PASS FOR A VAMPIRE. MAYBE EDWARD WILL COME BACK AND LOVE ME AGAIN. AHAHAHAHAHAHAH.

She stops to think how unfair it is that he broke his promise to stay with her forever and ever and ever, and that he made her promise to not hurt herself. How stupid is that? She should totally not have to follow through on that. Luckily, Bella has stopped her truck right in front of a house selling two broken-down motorcycles. Charlie thinks motorcycles are reckless and stupid, and Charlie doesn’t seem to give a crap about Bella’s well-being, so she immediately decides she’s buying a motorcycle as a means of indirectly killing herself. That’ll show Edward for leaving her.

Good God, I wish I were exaggerating. Bella goes up to the house and asks for the price on the two motorcycles. The kid just gives them to her for free, since they haven’t worked in years. “That’s okay,” Bella says. “I know someone who builds cars.”

Gird yourself, Jacob. You’re Bella’s new emotional crutch.

Bella gets directions down to the Blacks’ place from Charlie (who demands to know what’s wrong as soon as he answers the phone. As if you care, Dad). Jacob is excited to see her. Also, he’s a six-foot-five sixteen year old. CRAP ON A STICK this kid is huge.

Bella comes in, says hi to Billy, makes a big show about how she likes Jacob and missed him. We all know she’s just craving some male attention. Mike doesn’t count because he’s a stupid mortal and won’t live forever or turn into a werewolf that could pass for a bear. Bella gets Jacob alone in his garage and explains the sane part of the situation–she’s got broken motorcycles but don’t tell Charlie.

Now, here’s the hard part. Jacob is… well… I like him. He’s sweet. He’s happy. He’s normal (for now). Bella is almost tolerable around him, because she’s not constantly whining about the gaping oozing squirting rotting hole in her chest. I like Jacob.

Which is probably just going to make me angrier in the long run.

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47 Responses to “Chapter Five”

  1. Jezebel Says:

    Your comments and criticisms are so insightful (and hilarious) – I particularly love how you keep getting pulled completely out of the “narrative” by some of the ludicrous behavior exhibited the characters. To enjoy this crap, you need to suspend your disbelief beyond the breaking point, and I just can’t go that far. Haha.

    What’s hilarious about this is that some tweaking could really turn this series into a compelling story. Namely, textual acknowledgment that all these supposedly perfect characters have real, human flaws – instead of this silly idea that’s being presented to us that Bella is mature and wise beyond her years (and a nice person, at that. Hah!) and Edward’s the perfect guy. If Stephenie Meyer instilled something like self-awareness into the story and the cast, at least I could give her a pass.

    Plucked from teen girl drama/coming-of-age done RIGHT, Angela Chase (prompted by Rickie Vasquez) discussing Jordan Catalano on My So-Called Life:

    Rickie : It’s an obsession.
    Angela : Right. And, and if you make it real, it’s not the same. It’s not, it’s not yours anymore. I don’t know, maybe I’d rather have the fantasy than even him.

    Oh, if only Bella had such insight, what would the series be?

    • EmpressJudge Says:

      MSCL FTW!!! And I totally agree: This could have been a great story if there was any semblance of self-awareness and, oh I dunno, good writing.

  2. I don’t want to ruin it for you, but as much as I love Jacob (second only to Alice, though it helps he reminds me of my best friend). .I just want to say skip the fourth book. . you’ll hate him in the end. .

    • fantasyforever Says:

      For me it was the third book that made me hate him. The mouth-rape REALLY made me mad, and then Charlie goes on to condone it… I almost through the audiobook out of the window! DX

      • Moonshade Says:

        At least it’s semi-quasi-kinda-sorta realistic, which is a huge leap for Smeyer. And Bella et al actually GET MAD about being mistreated and manipulated by a boy. For once.

        Because what’s okay when it’s done by Edward is totally not cool when it’s done by anyone else.

    • Oh yes, agree. Actually, introducing the character of Jacob actually made me somewhat interested to keep reading, because I liked him (and always thought he deserved better then Bella) but yes, the fourth book they destroyed him. . . and that pissed me off.

  3. I know what you mean about Jacob, I always liked him. That might be because he stays fairly mentally healthy, although book four didn’t make me hate *him*, just Smeyer. That is to say, hate her more.
    I think anyone who likes this site might enjoy this fanfic, which made me break my vow about not reading any fan-written Twilight stuff. Puts a whole delicious twist on the “character” of Bella:
    http://orange-crushed.livejournal.com/132983.html#cutid1

    • Natalya Says:

      See, if that’s the way Smeyer had actually written it I would have enjoyed this series. I actually like that Bella!

  4. Forsakentale Says:

    “Also, he’s a six-foot-five sixteen year old. CRAP ON A STICK this kid is huge.”
    Besides not being able to write normal human reactions and situations she really have no clue about biologically whats normal…. Ok, they’ll probably say he’s freaking ginormous because he’s an werebearwolfthingie Dude, my dad is that high but he didn’t grow almost 3 feet in a year (or less) >_>
    If only Charlie just got eaten by the bears it would be awesome… Bella wouldn’t miss it anyways.

    • Android 21 3/7 Says:

      Hehe. Imagine growing 3 feet in a year. I wonder how often he had to buy new clothes.

      • fantasyforever Says:

        Wait until you get to the clothes-ripping and shoe-destroying scenes later in the book. *sniggers* He must spend a LOT of money on shoes and shorts…

      • I wonder how often he was in terrible physical pain from that much growth, lol.

      • Forsakentale Says:

        He should probably run around naked when Bella’s not around. We don’t want her discovering hormones…

  5. A chapter 5 Hiku:

    Screams at night, oh no!
    Bella is losing her mind
    lol jay kay

    I think this poem highlights that NIGHT FUCKING TERRORS ARE NOT SOMETHING TO BE IGNORED GOD FUCKING DAMNIT. APPARENTLY ITS NORMAL.

    Rai, I’m glad you are brave enough to read these books, so that I don’t have to.

  6. … Well, actually, people who suffer night terrors usually do not remember anything about them other than that they were frightening…

    But still. Not something you should ignore.

    • Yeah, that’s true. They just wake up with the feeling and are completely disoriented by it.

      I can’t think of anyone who would classify daily, four-month recurring nightmares as “just some nightmares,” though. And I certainly don’t know of a decent, loving father that would ignore them.

      • Magistrate of Mediocrety Says:

        But don’t you get it? Charlie’s NOT a decent loving father! He, like, totally ignores her and stuff. And her mom doesn’t get her either. No one gets her. No one, except Edward. It’s soooooo true to every teenagers’ life.

  7. fantasyforever Says:

    I think if my parents heard me waking up screaming every night because of night terrors, they would force me to see a shrink or other medical professional… ‘Cause that’s not normal, even when you’re little and get scared at the monsters under the bed.

    And Jacob gets taller XD He’s like friggin HUUUGE!

    I also liked Jacob in the beginning. In fact, I felt kinda bad for him in this book because Bella is obviously using him just like in the first book. But (to me) Jacob becomes unforgivable in the third book (not to mention a cocky jerk-face) and things just go South from there >_>; So enjoy this while it laaasts~! D:

  8. I’m with the rest on the night terrors business. Yeesh, you’d think she’d be reacting to her dad Charlie’s absolute lack of concern a little worse than the usual teenage rebellious stuff she’s doing. She’s very obviously twisted in the head, and if the books were actually written like that, they’d have a chance.

    Also, 16 years old and 6’5″? I think I’d be scared by that alone, though more for his health than anything else. How tall was he in the last book again?

  9. Millenous Laughter Says:

    I think we all need to acknowledge that Law & Order: SVU Charlie is going to be the next sleeper hit in the NBC prime-time lineup.

  10. Ah, yes Jacob. Next to Alice he’s pretty cool. However unlike Alice, he turns into a jerk in book 3. But then again this from Bella’s POV and the manpire is back so OF COURSE Jacob becomes annoying. :roll:

  11. Android 21 3/7 Says:

    What’s more surprising about Bella’s 4 months of nightly screaming is that the NEIGHBORS didn’t hear it. Or if they did, they didn’t call child services.

  12. Vampire Revenant Says:

    If I really had to choose a team, I’d seriously go for Team Jacob, if only because the relationship between him and Bella seems more like it develops toward some semblance of health than Bella and Edward.

    Seriously. Just change the story so the wolf-boy is the hero and the vamp’s a crazed, controlling and abusive stalker. And, you know…get better editors and an author who knows what he or she is doing.

  13. As I read your blog, I realized that I must have had selective amnesia after I read those books, because I don’t even remember half of it. Either that or Smeyer can’t write to get herself out of a wet paper bag. My money is on both.

  14. “She explains how now that she looks like hell with pale pasty skin and black circles under her eyes, she could almost pass for a vampire now!”
    Ooookay… I thought vampires were supposed to a) be OMGsooobeautiful&hot and b) sparkle in the light. Sooo… what’s that crap about pale pasty skin and black circles ? How is looking like a dead guy hot ?

  15. Rat Queen Says:

    I discovered this blog and read it with gleeful delight for three-four hours with my roommate, which then spawned an hour walk all about how much Smeyer sucks and how creepy Edward is.

    We came up with 2 suggestions:

    1. Add a Bella crazy-o-meter. My roomie (a psych major) has decided Bella has, in the very least, suicidal depression, and a likely case of schizophrenia!

    2. Add a danger count. Basically, count how often something is described as dangerous, daring, deadly, terrifying, etc etc.

    I’m glad you’re the one reading this, not me :3

  16. I liked Jacob too. by the end of this book, he and Alice will be the only somewhat-believable characters, thus by default I think we are obligated to like them.

    not to mention the relationship between him and Bella develops naturally and also *GASP* realistically …

    oh, by the way? before we get to it?
    yeah, Smeyer doesn’t know a fucking thing about motorcycles either. Bella’s bike lessons made me LOL.

  17. AqtsVrtas Says:

    Jacob starts off as a cool guy. Then he turns into the worst character in the series.

    Okay maybe not worst, but one of them.

  18. Moonshade Says:

    http://www.eharlequin.com/articlepage.html?articleId=1392&chapter=0

    Stuff you should never put into a book.

    Every one of them appeared in Twilight. >.<

  19. I bet every time Bella wakes up screaming, Charlie goes “STFU, I’m trying to sleep here!”

  20. i agree with you, jacob is way more likeable. He’s funny, nice, and happy. Edward is controling, a know-it-all, and a abuser….its pretty obvious who would be better in a relationship.

  21. Sarcasmfeeder Says:

    OH MY GOD!!! Foreshadowng! I almost can’t believe it! Oh, wait, that would be if it were subtle. Oops. Yeah, I love Jacob, too. But in the fourth book, he looses his awesomeness. Oh, well.

  22. Ah, Jacob… the only reason why I continued this monstrosity, called Twilight saga. Seriously, he’s the type of character I adore and I did, hooray for ONE character in this atrocity that I can like sympathize, et cetera.

    And then, in the third book, he became an angsty emo. And then, in the fourth… not gonna tell, but it went beyond the horrors of my brain.

    This character had SUCH potential and simply because SMEYER was the one to write him, he was fucked. But, I never hated HIM, I hated SMeyer for destroying him.

  23. Jacob and Alice are easily the best characters in this “saga”, hands-down. I’m going to see New Moon /only/ for Jacob and the magnificent “fursplosion”. The werewolves are probably better than the vamps.. they’re not infinitely pretty, not freaking icicles, etc. Although the “imprinting” garbage is.. well, garbage. Smeyer probably only put that in there so she could have wild werwolfxfreak-of-nature fantasies.

    ANYWAYS tl;dr Werewolves rock and I <3 your recaps.

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