Chapter Four

Today’s update is brought to you by Mother’s Day! Thanks for raising me to be a sensible woman who knows better than to hang around with asshole vampires, Mom!

It’s four months later, and Bella finally wakes up.

Charlie has slammed his fist on the table, and announced he’s sending Bella home. Bella is exhibiting signs of clinical depression–or she would be, if Stephenie knew a single freaking thing about behavioral psychology. Bella is depressed in that she is emotionally dead and doesn’t want to do any of the things she enjoyed doing… which is cheating, because she didn’t enjoy doing anything to begin with. Other than that, her grades are perfect, she never misses days of school, she hasn’t broken curfew, she gets out of bed in the morning, etc. Remember, kids, depression is good for your schoolwork.

How much more readable would this series be if Stephenie knew anything about how people actually work? Edward would be abusive, but only because Carlisle has been perpetuating it, reminding him of what a monster he is and how no one will love him. Bella would be of the classic girlfriend “I will save the badboy” stereotype, and her friends and family would vainly attempt to save her from the maniac she loves and her self-imposed Stockholm Syndrome…

But no. I get “He hurts her because he loves her” and not a single character questions it.


So Bella comes to, four months later, as Charlie has begun telling her that she needs to get some help. I am displeased that it took him four months to have this conversation with her. Charlie is a really crappy dad. Bella doesn’t want to see a shrink, though–they’d lock her away if she said Edward was a vampire. It’s more likely they’d give her some pretty little antipsychotic pills to take. Then when Edward comes back he can medicate her by force, to make sure she stays “good” around him. That’s interesting! It’s never going to happen.

Charlie insists that Bella do something. Bella tepidly agrees that she’ll go out with Jessica or whatever. Who? Oh, right, boring mortal friend, I remember. Charlie tells her she needs to stop waiting for “him,” at which Bella glowers. Edward, it seems, is off-limits. How mature. That’ll help you through your problem. She rushes off to school to avoid further interaction.

Mike looks like he’s worried about her. That’s pretty sweet of him. Jessica, however, has ditched Bella entirely, because uh… I really don’t know, actually. Bella wasn’t much for conversation to begin with, and she didn’t exactly hang out. I don’t know how Jessica would know that Bella is actually any different. Oh well. Jessica is mad at Bella for being such a downer all the time. In Calculus (which is really hard you guys, girls are never good at math), Bella asks Jessica if she wants to see a movie in Port Angeles. NO ROMANCES, OKAY. She’s trying very hard to stay at the “denial” phase. They decide on a zombie movie.

The great thing about Bella’s depression is we don’t get montages of what she does through her entire day. She’s in a “haze” so in the narrative she just… appears in her room! This should really happen more often. Bella has “survived” the last few months by keeping herself in a protective cocoon of haziness and denial, numbing herself to the outside world and trying her best to just not think about anything Edward. Healthy. Super. She even went so far as to dig the stereo out of her truck with her fingernails and keeps it in a garbage bag in her closet. Why she didn’t just throw it away is anyone’s guess.

Jessica picks Bella up. Jessica tries not to be critical/curious of why Bella suddenly wants to do things. When a love song comes on, Bella immediately asks if she can change the station.

Her eyes squinted. “Since when do you like rap?”

Wah wah waahhhhhh! “Her eyes squinted?” As opposed to what, her ears? Bella is all “uh a little while I think whatever,” and tries to pretend like she likes rap. Stupid white girls. To avoid having to interact, she nudges Jessica into one-sided conversation, and Jessica, a chatterbox, gladly delivers.

At the movie, Bella is distraught to realize that the zombie movie has a romantic prologue. NO, she might be forced to face her problems!! She escapes to the lobby for a good 20 minutes, coming back to the zombie bloodbath. Much better. Watching undead creatures eat people is a great way to get her mind off her vampire ex-boyfriend.

At some point, Bella realizes that she looks more like the zombie than the heroine, which confuses and frightens her, so she gets up and leaves again. She wanted to be undead once, but not ugly!!

It was depressing to realize that I wasn’t the heroine anymore, that my story was over.

If only that were the case. I wouldn’t have three more 500+ page books to read.

Jessica is now starting to wonder what the hell is up. Bella comes up with some weak excuse about how the movie was too scary. Whatever. They walk down to get food.

It looks like “wandering alone at night in a town you’re unfamiliar with” is something that women just do. Jessica starts walking quickly and avoiding the eye contact of a group of rough-looking men in the doorway of a bar. Heeyyy they look familiar! Bella stops to stare at them.

Jessica panics as Bella discovers her deathwish, and takes slow, lurching steps into the street, much like a mentally handicapped person. Adrenaline courses through her as she becomes aware of the danger she’d put herself in by associating with these ruffians, and of course, she likes it.

Cue the intense self-destruction!

Jessica catches up to her in the street and grabs her, demanding to know if she’s suicidal or something. Bella answers her “No,” in all seriousness, and Jessica goes like “uhh that was a joke.” Great friends. Awesome. Bella’s just fine, guys, it’s okay. Bella waves her off, telling her that she’ll “catch up in a minute.” As she walks closer to the men, who are now leering at her, she starts to hear Edward’s voice in her head.

Yes, in her moment of need, as she begins to crack, as her mind buckles under the mental strain of, uh, being dumped, she hears the soothing, velvety voice of her ex-boyfriend playing in her head, no doubt as a means of comfort.

“Bella, stop this right now!”

Wow, he even stays in-character and keeps ordering her around! That’s pretty lifelike.

Bella is shocked, thinking she would never hear him again. He orders her to go back to Jessica, because she promised not to do anything stupid. As she stands in the street, his voice starts to fade. So she does what any sane person does, and takes a step closer to danger to hear his voice again. Edward attempts to control her in her head yet again. So seriously, is this a new manpire power, or has Bella really started to lose it in a way not even Smeyer can deny?

Bella closes in on the hooligans and realizes they’re not the same four that had accosted her on that fateful, stupid day, almost a year ago. Oh. Sorry, my mistake, I thought you were someone I knew. She just turns around and walks back to Jessica.

My God. Is it just me or was that whole thing incredibly stupid? So what, Bella’s going to throw herself into danger now just to hear Edward’s voice bossing her around? She’s so God damn retarded.

Jessica’s pissed, and they eat and drive home in silence. Charlie has been worried sick, apparently not expecting that Bella was actually going to go out.

It was a crippling thing, this sensation that a huge hole had been punched through my chest, excising my most vital organs and leaving ragged, unhealed gashes around the edges that continued to throb and bleed despite the passage of time.

Um, ew?

Seriously, this bitch needs medication. I hope she starts hanging out with Jacob soon. I’m not sure how much more I can take of this “haze” and “willful self-destruction.”


40 Responses to “Chapter Four”

  1. I read “antipsychotic pills” and think:

    One pill makes you larger
    And one pill makes you small
    And the bite that Carlisle gives you
    Don’t do anything bad at all
    Go ask Bella
    When she’s ten feet tall

  2. A chapter 4 Hiku:

    Edward broke her heart
    Bella is an emo kid
    Now, how will she live?


  3. She goes after a bunch of ruffians… who she thinks are familiar except they’re not… because she thinks they’re the ones who attacked her… so he can hear his voice?

    Add to that being depressed (except not actually suffering in her classes or anything, because…?) for four months because someone broke up with her, and yeah. Meds. Please.

    Feed your head, feed your head. But not with Twilight, is what she said.

    • depressed for four months because someone broke up with her, and yeah. Meds. Please

      Whatever… you’ve NEVER been IN LOVE like those two were IN LOVE. NO ONE HAS EVER LOVED ANYONE ELSE THIS MUCH EVER!

      • Moonshade Says:

        You know, recent studies have actually revealed that giving someone antidepressants can make them fall out of love.

        Just think of how much SHORTER this series would have been…


      • Huh Nicole, its not love. Sorry but it is extreme case of dependant personality, she needs meds because she is trying to kill herself and is hallucinating wth? Smeyers trying to pass it off as love is pathetic
        I remember a similar scene in lotr where aragorn leaves arwen. They were in love too but nothing so idiotic happens.

        • & yes i have been and am in love and is loved much better then edward, and i can assure you bella and her love, is more of teenager love that even i experienced when i was teen.

  4. I was hoping you’d compare the movie Bella watches with the first Twilight book. Bella harps on and on about how horrible it is that zombies are cool and she hates it when a movie is all romance and no plot.

    I thought Smeyer had developed some self-awareness for a fraction of a second.

  5. …what kind of zombie movie has a romantic prologue?

    I am something of an aficionado, you see. And I really cannot think of a single zombie movie with a romantic subplot in the beginning (before the devouring and death and psychological horror of being the last humans alive). And I’ve seen some pretty bad zombie movies.

    ….did they make a movie out of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies?

    • CaesarSalad Says:

      Shaun of the Dead?

      • I dunno if I’d call that romance, but I suppose others might.

        Bella sure as hell doesn’t know what it is, anyway, so I can certainly see her classifying something completely unromantic as a “romantic subplot” and going and sitting in the hall like the little emo twit she is.

    • Rat Queen Says:

      There’s a zombie movie about a couple where the fiance gets turned into a vampire and kills a lot of people before almost-but-not-quite killing and eating his fiancee..

  6. fantasyforever Says:

    And so it begins. *facepalms*

  7. Again, lol at the dangers of Downtown Port Angeles at 10 PM.

    Horribly depressed to the point that her father talks to her (*her father* actually talks to her!)…but her grades dont slip even a little? BS smeyer. BS. I’ve never been so depressed that I did my homework out of desperation.

    So she gets so depressed that she starts hearing voices in her head. Ok, I can buy that. She was so obsessed about Edward that she fell off the deep end when he left her after months of controlling abuse. What I want to know is how she’s going to be miraculously saved after all of this. Because you know she will.

    • Moonshade Says:

      That’s the thing I don’t get (imagine that, I don’t understand Smeyer’s logic. Whoda thought?)

      Okay, so Bella’s started going schizo. That means that there’s chemical imbalances and synaptic misfires in her brain, most likely triggered by unfamiliar levels of adrenaline. How will Edward coming back FIX that? I mean seriously.

  8. I just hope you young ladies out there are finally beginning to understand that this is what true love is really like. If he isn’t controlling your every thought, every move, every moment of your every day, than he simply does not love you enough to expend the time and energy needed to run your life. And if he isn’t willing to run your life then whatever shall you do, being the poor helpless female that you are? Which means you should dump him — pronto — and find the perfect man who will school you in the ways of proper female behavior (such as no movement while kissing, and certainly no driving — silly girl!). After all, love hurts, right? So lose the guy who expects you to make your own decisions (heartless bastard), and get out there and find yourself a real man! May I suggest you begin your search within our high security prison system? Oh, and don’t forget to teach this lesson to all your pre-teen sisters in the world so that we can finally start up that society of mindless female robots who are constantly falling down the stairs. Yay, Smeyerville!

  9. Semi Off Topic –

    Physicists prove that Vampires can’t Exist. Twenty years of serious debate on the topic of vampires. Some people have way to much time on their hands.

    My favorite comment by thatoneguy42:

    “well thank god! someone scientifically proved that twilight kids should not exist. are we allowed to burn them now? “

  10. Forsakentale Says:

    I think Bella had self-destruction issues way before Edward showing up. At least that’s my reasonable explanation as to why she was so damn stupid to start a relationship with a guy that says he wants to kill her and everything.
    In a world where Smeyer has literature and writing skills to make Shakespeare cry, I think Bella would’ve been broken before moving to Forks and maybe that would give her more than 1 dimension…
    Oh and I’m thrilled to find quite a bunch of Alice/Bella fics. In some of them Bella even has a personality! :D

  11. Forsakentale Says:

    PS: I loved your Mom’s comment lol

  12. OMG..yes, this are the worst chapters ever…especially the whole I CAN HEAR HIM IN MAH HEAD WHEN I’M IN DANGAH thing…

    I mean…hello…. How can people find this romantic and the best ever written?… If parents, like mine at least, knew what their 12 year old daughter was finding romantic they would totally give her meds.

    I´ve come to know various girls who loved this kind of abusive relationship thanks to my anthropology class… and you don’t wanna know where they are now…

    Smeyer…I…I wanna understand you… this is just…ugh… it hurts me……..

  13. Oh, you thought that was gross?

    You are in for a real treat when you get to the last one.

  14. Romantic Zombie Movies? Now I’ve seen everything.

  15. It amazes me how much of an imbecile she is. I mean really, where did she get the idea that it was a good idea? This was basically what she was thinking…”Hey I know those guys they’re the ones who almost attacked me last year…I should go up to them. (Mistake 1). I’m hearing voices in my head, oh yay (mistake 2). I should put myself in serious danger so that i can hallucinate some more.” Retarded child…and girls want to be like her? Heaven help us all. I’m pretty sure that the human race is seriously doomed.

    • And to think that girls feel like they can relate to her. *shutter* it really makes me weep for my gender

  16. Okay, my theory: the reason Jessica was avoiding Bella is clearly because Jessica has strong reason to believe Bella is on drugs. Sluggish, inattentive, preoccupied, disinterested in her (alleged) old hobbies and friends.. Then she asks Jessica to an outing, only to mysteriously disappear several times during the movie (“I, uh, was using the bathroom!”), and culminating in Bella telling Jessica to hold on one sec while she has a chat with the fishy looking dudes in the alley.

    If my friend acted that way, my first thought wouldn’t be ‘bad breakup’.

    • Maybe Edward was being literal when he described Bella as his ‘own personal brand of heroin’. Maybe she’s just so chock full of the stuff… hey, wait a minute, THAT EXPLAINS WHY EVERYONE LIKES HER FOR NO GOOD REASON.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: