Merchandise, for the consumer whore in us all

I am considering creating Vampirely merchandise.

If you guys could have one catchphrase, blog-created word, or blog tag on a shirt, button, or sticker, what would it be?

The catches are:

  1. It can’t get me sued.
  2. It has to be something my mom wouldn’t be embarrassed to wear. This is tricky! My mom can be cool sometimes.

Leave some suggestions and I’ll throw up a poll later. “Manpire,” “vampirely,” and “Twispiter” are almost guaranteed.

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66 Responses to “Merchandise, for the consumer whore in us all”

  1. Millenous Laughter Says:

    Well, I will say that the only mention of a “Volvopire” I’ve seen (and I googled it) on any site other than yours, is one particular thread on a BBS about the price of gasoline (the poster-in-question wanted to put a silver bullet through the heart of his “Volvopire” and get a pickup truck).

    • Ok that is freaking brilliant lol

      • Eikiji Says:

        I second Volvopire.

        Which could only be made greater if it were accompanied by an image of a Volvo with fangs and an old school Dracula cape.

        I would so wear that shirt.

      • Millenous Laughter Says:

        Perhaps the Volvo logo with an addition at the back-end.

        Kind of like Jasper’s addition to Edward’s back-end.

        Edward’s gay. Just ask his “parents.”

    • Millenous Laughter Says:

      I also feel that it’s important to mention that when you enter “Volvopire” into Google, it asks: “Did you mean Volvo Pirate?”

      I think the Volvo Pirate would also make an awesome “in-joke” shirt.

  2. Sometimes?! I guess this isn’t one of those times >.<

  3. Fursplosion!

  4. Talonheart Says:

    It’s not exactly one word, but I would personally LOVE a shirt that said “The Plot Is A Lie.” I immediately thought that and started laughing after seeing the title: “Chapter 20, I think the plot was a lie.”

    Maybe it wasn’t as funny as I thought it was, but goddamn, I would still buy the shirt! >.>

    …Okay, I am up WAY past my bedtime. xD; Sorry for potentially stupid suggestions.

    PS- One more stray thought. Why does “Smeyers” remind me of “S’mores”? O.o ….Okay, I must go purge my brain so s’mores will not be ruined for me now…. ><;

    ALSO ALSO– You are amazing. I loved your recap of Twilight. Please keep up the good work! ^^

    • THE PLOT IS A LIE MAKES ME HAPPY IN MY /SOUL/.

      *ahem* Sorry about that. I got linked here from twilight_sucks on livejournal, and… your blog is addicting, really. Keeping me from an English paper I need to do, ahaha. But really– your snark is fantastic. I actually lol’d.

  5. Volvopire need sparkles badly…

  6. Lukas! Says:

    I vote for volvopire. for the fucking win!

    Also, rai you are brilliant. I just want you to know that.

  7. i personally really fucking like just the title of this website.
    could have, maybe, a drawn parody of the hands holding the apple (perhaps all super-glittery-hands?) – it’s not copyright infringement to redraw it for parody – and below that, or on the other side of the shirt, the “Yes I read it, it’s still stupid.”

    i would fucking buy that.
    and show it to all the fucking twitards that come into my work. >:|

    • Millenous Laughter Says:

      Enh… There is the danger, nonetheless, of someone crying “Infringement!” Especially where profit may or may not be involved…

      That said, I like your idea.

      • A hand holding a lemon then, since this could be likened to buying a bad used car… if I got that phrase right about “buying a lemon.”

    • i’d totally buy that shirt and then wear it to a twilight convention hahahah and then see if i get attacked by the fans…oh..man shit now that im picturing it…maybey i shouldnt do that….

  8. My friend and I came up with a slogan towards the whole Twilight fandom:

    Bram does it better.

    We wanted to make it in old gothic style script, blood red and SPARKLY. :3

  9. AqtsVrtas Says:

    Ooooh yes! I totally want an obtuse reference to a hilarious joke I read on the internet — on a shirt! Wait wait better yet, not a joke — just a random coined word used to mock a fandom!

    The blog is funny. But merchandise would be fucking /stupid/ . Stick to writing.

  10. Laerasyn Says:

    I really like the “the plot is a lie” thing, if there’s no copyright issues there (I don’t really know much about that sort of thing). I also really like the image of a silver volvo with fangs and a kiddie-costume Dracula cape (mentioned above). :-) I would buy either one.

  11. Fantastic site XD I’ve been collecting anti-twi slogans at MyLeaky and I think anyone of them would make great anti-twi shirts:

    http://www.the-leaky-cauldron.org/myleaky/groups/4632

    If you can’t read the page, here are some of my favourites:

    Twilight’s a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, Signifying nothing.’ – William Shakespeare

    ‘Cullens, thine (collective) face is not worth sunburning.’ William Shakespeare

    ‘Twilight, methink’st thou art a general offence and every man should beat thee.’ – William Shakespeare

    ‘The FAIL is strong with this one’ – OBI WAN KENOBI

    ‘Twilight: Because nothing says ‘romance’ like abuse, pedophillia and teen pregnancy’

    ‘Stephanie Meyer: destroying the fabric of literature one asinine ‘novel’ at a time’

    ‘I’m tired of rolling’ – Mark Twain

    ‘…*dies*’ – FEMINISM

    ‘Our dear Ms Meyer, stop it PLEASE! Sincerly, Charlotte, Emily and Anne.’ – The Bronte sisters

    Albus Severus: Still a better name than Renesme.

    ‘And finally, I must tell you that this year, the Twilight series is out of bounds for everyone who does not wish to die a most painful death’ – Dumbledore

    ‘The more I see of Twilight, the less inclined I am to think highly of it’ – Lizzie Bennet

    ‘Bull**t the Twilight series is, and stupid you are’ – YODA

    Give me Twilight or give me death?’ Death Please!

    “All shall love me and despair. – Stephanie Meyer

    “Twilight, setting feminism back a century.”

    “I cried when I read twilight, because I felt a part of my brain die.”

    “My boyfriend is better than Edward Cullen…and also real.”

    “Imprinting? An interesting excuse…I mean explanation.” Humbert Humbert

    “Twilight: for readers who think having a plot is soo last year

    “Bella is:
    A. Boring
    B. Whiny
    C. Annoying
    D. Helpless
    E. Anti-feminist
    F. Mary-Sue
    G. All of the Above.”

    XD

  12. Forsakentale Says:

    I would like a sticker that says: “My other car is a volvopire” lol

  13. would love to see a shirt with the missing bikini-cut Hello Kittie Panties and the slogan “missing” underneath…

  14. Every time I read you blog I think “Manpire powers, ACTIVATE!”

  15. A plain white shirt with a hole where the hear is suppose to be.

    The hole should be empty. I’m talking about dust; cobwebs, spiders, the works.

    Now, nailed to the back of this empty hole is a post it note that says.

    “I.O.U a personality.”

    – S

    • ^^ Thats sheer win!

      I would buy a bumper sticker that says my other car is a volvopire. And I really like the plot is a lie, which would go great with the lemon in the hand.

  16. Candice Says:

    Personally, I’m a fan of “go go gadget aphrodisiac breath!” from the chapter 17 recap, but that’s kinda double infringement…but the “plot is a lie” and “manpire powers, activate!” ideas are friggin’ priceless! Also, “ANYTHING NOT EDWARD IS UNGOOD” is good, too, cause there are girls who believe that who happen to go to my high school. I shed a tear for their apparent lack of something I fondly refer to as a LIFE. …I desperately want your merch, just to smite them!

  17. I was inspired. I made the lemon and the plot is the lie picture. I couldn’t stop myself…..

    [IMG]http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v190/BrokenCagedBird/lemoncopy.jpg[/IMG]

    if that doesn’t work please go here!

    • Moonshade Says:

      I can’t see it. *tear*

      • did you try the link?? *cries too*

        I put it in the scraps on my deviant art as well. So if the link is being stupid too just click my name, and it will take you to my deviant art. I am not sure what it looks like when your not the artist but if you click gallery you should be able to find a scraps tab. ^,^

    • Pauline Says:

      I love this – would actually buy it! And I never buy things off the net :)

  18. Android 21 3/7 Says:

    Why not your adverb round up?

    “Twilight = 498 pages – 12 Chapter start and end pages
    = 486 pages
    = approximately 250 words per page
    = 1360 adverbs (not including the ones in dialogue)
    = approximately 6 BLEEDING PAGES OF PURE ADVERBS

    Admittedly text heavy and a tad math heavy…

    • Android 21 3/7 Says:

      …Cool! I didn’t know HTML programming works in these comment boxes! Good to know!

    • How about:

      498 pages = 250 words per page
      1360 adverbs = 6 pages
      12 chapter of Twilight = Time you will never get back.

      (Mastercard, you started these things).

  19. Team Tyler’s Van.

    If it is anything but this, I will cry.

  20. The line from one of your recaps “B is for Bella, that’s good enough for me,” had me laughing for days (most likely because I still watch Sesame Street at nineteen-years-old). If I could put a picture with that, it would be of Mr. Manpire himself going “*nom nom nom*” and crumbs dropping from his face.

  21. I was always fond of “Nothing Wrong with Mike” in your posts, but I think that wouldn’t be very identifiable as being about Twilight.

    One of your commenters also has a line that I quite like. In the recap to Chapter 15 of New Moon, Path posted this bit. I really like the idea of “For the Sake of Literature!” as a tagline or something. Not sure if the drowning line should be added, since it would make the shirt a little too much to read, unless you put one part on the back and the other on the front.

    • This made me think of all the “Team Edward” and “Team Jacob” crap I have seen floating around. I could certainly go for a “Team Nothing Wrong with Mike” shirt. :)

      • I liked the idea of having t-shirts with ‘Team Angel’, ‘Team Spike’, ‘Team Louis’ and ‘Team Lestat’.
        And possibly a ‘Team Dracula’. ^^

  22. I love how you always refer to her as a cheeseburger.. I want a cartoon of him salivating at her with a cheeseburger for a head like Mayor McCheese!

    I always picture that happening.. him looking at her and her turning into a cheeseburger head like they did in cartoons when the character was starving.

    I also love the volvopire!! It is still my favorite “pire” name though me and my friend have come up with several other random ones just for giggle sake.

  23. The best advice I can give you for finding merchandise ideas is to look through the comments and find inside jokes that have a good amount of Twilight to them but not so obvious that it would get you in trouble, or have 15 year-old fangirls throw bricks at people who are wearing your t-shirts or what-not.

    • Dude, I think I would laugh hysterically if a fangirl threw a brick at me (assuming it didn’t hit me)… i’ve got the Jinx “And then Buffy staked Edward. The End” shirt, i’ve been WAITING to get told off by a fangirl. Sadly, no bites yet…

      As for the t-shirt ideas, I LOVE ‘the Plot is a Lie’. Reminds me of the Cake is a lie stuff… and the Team “Nothing-Wrong-With Mike” is all kinds of awesome.

  24. I really like the idea of using the quote about contusions that somebody posted. Something along the lines of “how many times did her mother drop her” or something.

    Beyond that, pics of Alice and Bella with the caption “Forbidden Love” seems pretty great.

  25. Sarcasmfeeder Says:

    ‘Are you manpire enough?

    (Eddie, leaning against Volvopire w/ cape + fangs, sparkling)

    The new VW Volvopire- Are you man enough?’

  26. I really loved the saying “Pants on head retarded” You ruined a keyboard.

  27. Hmn. Go on Facebook and type ‘Team Blade’. It’s also a good slogan (‘Team Tyler’s van’ made me think of it lol)

    I love ‘Manpire powers, activate!’ and ‘go go gadget, aphrodisiac breath!’ XD Those cracked me up. BUT! Volvopire ftw!

    Love the blog. Keep up the awesometastic work.

  28. I`m thinking something along the lines of:
    “October. November. December. January.
    Great loss of paper.
    Twilight.
    Greater loss of time”.

  29. The one that leaps out at me is:

    Abuse is the new Romance!

  30. *EDIT: Tried to include something in brackets it didn’t like:

    (image that won’t get you sued, or just “Twilight”)

  31. Scarlet_Magpie Says:

    Twilight: Teaching young girls everywhere that Abuse and stalking=True love.

  32. FlowNomed Says:

    “Real vampires don’t sparkle” or “Team Dracula” and on the back it says “Haha suck it! (no pun intended”)”

  33. A Fantastic post, I will be sure to save this post in my Digg account. Have a great day.

  34. ‘You’re like my own personal brand of meth amphetamine’

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