Chapter One

My excellent friend Lukas has lent me his copy of New Moon. I didn’t ask why he had a copy of New Moon, and he agreed to let me write all over it. It’s a fair trade, I think.

And so, we begin.

Chapter One is a recap chapter, and with it comes all the glories and hardships of trying to sum up Twilight in less than 30 pages. You were all there, you saw what happened, but I’m going to recap the recap anyway.

The chapter starts off with a dream Bella has about being a wrinkly gross old lady and Edward wishing her happy birthday. Old people are disgusting! Bella wakes up and we learn that it is, in fact, her birthday. We are treated to 30 pages of her waxing pathetic about how old she is now that she’s 18 and how unfair it is that Edward hasn’t bitten her yet.

Bella, it turns out, is one of those people who absolutely hates it when people celebrate their birthdays. I know that these people exist in real life–I am dating one, much to my chagrin, and not wanting a birthday is sort of analogous to not liking fun, in my opinion. But we make do. It took a few years for him to even start letting other people know when his birthday was, and it took me a few years to learn that he wasn’t going to want to party hard. Much like my boyfriend, Bella hates attention and people doting on her. Even though she likes that Edward is so super-obsessed with her. I’m sure.

Bella drives herself to school. My eyebrows quirk. She drove herself? What’s going on here? Edward and Alice are waiting for her there, Edward as boring and gorgeous as he was in the last book, and Alice her adorable self, holding a silver box. Bella is like so totally embarrassed. She doesn’t want any presents, you guys! Not to mention she’s in a terrible mood because 18 is like so old and she’s going to be wrinkly any day now. Bella drops the hint that this is what’s upsetting her so much, and Alice tries to lighten the mood.

“Eighteen isn’t very old,” Alice said. “Don’t women usually wait til they’re twenty-nine to get upset over their birthdays?”

“It’s older than Edward,” I mumbled.

ANYTHING NOT EDWARD IS UNGOOD.

But Edward was dead set against any future that changed me. Any future that made me like him–that made me immortal, too.

An impasse, he  called it.

I couldn’t really see Edward’s point, to be honest. What was so great about mortality? Being a vampire didn’t look like such a terrible thing–not the way the Cullens did it, anyway.

And, ever so casually, Bella addresses my single greatest complaint about Stephenie’s stupid “vampires.”

Oh well, anyway. Alice asks Bella when she’s going to be up at “the house,” to which Bella immediately gets angry. She didn’t want a party! No party! No birthdays! NO FUN. BELLA IS VARY GROWNUP. She tries to come up with a few excuses for why she can’t come over, finally settling on “I have to watch Romeo and Juliet for class.” Edward agrees, saying he’ll just drag her to Chez Cullen at seven, so Alice has more time to set up.

Bella tries to argue with Edward, but, as usual, he convinces her to shut up and he gets his way.

They go to class. Now they have every class together. Bella makes an offhand comment about how “it was amazing the favors Edward could get the female administrators to do for him.” Silly women, so easily manipulated. I guess none of them are lesbians.

Mike, by the way, has lost some weight, and is purposely trying to style his hair like Edward’s. I grabbed a pencil and wrote “UGH” right next to this sentence. Sorry, Lukas.

We are treated to some exposition about how Bella is not used to getting presents, because she grew up po’, on her mom’s kindergarten teacher salary. Hold up here. Mom has a job, suddenly? And wait, now Bella does too. I’m confused. Am I still reading a Twilight book?

Wait, kindergarten teacher is one of those pre-approved made-for-women jobs. I see through your ruse, Smeyer.

Anyway, you guys, Edward is like so rich. He and Alice play the stock market, cause she can like, see the future, you know? So he’s like totally loaded. But Bella refuses to let him spend money on her. That’s like, so unfair, you know? Because he’s so perfect already, she has so little to offer in return. Never mind that if he started buying everything for her, too, I would probably just start sobbing incoherently.

Edward and Alice and Bella sit at the same long table as her mortal “friends” at lunch. The mortals largely ignore the vampires, because they can sense poorly written characters their predators. The other vamps have, apparently, graduated. Again. Who knows how many times they’ve done this. You know, Forks is exactly one of those small towns someone would end up spending their whole life in. Do the Cullens only come back to Forks after the oldest possible high school classmate has died, to keep the façade?

Sigh.

All right, after being treated to Brief Reminders about how the Cullens are totally vampires and school is sooo boring, Bella attempts to drive herself home. GUESS WHAT HAPPENS.

I folded my arms, and made no move to get out of the rain. “It’s my birthday, don’t I get to drive?”

“I’m pretending it’s not your birthday, just as you wished.”

That’s right. Edward is only letting her drive because it’s her birthday. I laughed so hard I snorted. He bitches for a while about how much her radio sucks, and then tells her to perk the hell up because it’s her birthday, damn it. They kiss.

Edward had drawn many careful lines for our physical relationship, with the intent being to keep me alive. Though I respected the need for maintaining a safe distance between my skin and his razor-sharp, venom-coated teeth, I tended to forget about such trivial things like that when he was kissing me.

“Be good, please,” he breathed against my cheek.

Women are such base, thoughtless creatures, driven purely by their irrational emotions. It’s a good thing Edward is here to constantly urge her to “be good,” so he can continue to withhold sex as a means of controlling her.

They watch Romeo and Juliet. Edward bitches about what an idiot Romeo is. I find Smeyer’s attempts at irony rather pathetic. At the mutual suicide scene, Edward comments about how lucky Romeo has it, that he can just take some poison to kill himself. We are then treated to about two pages of Edward making light of his own suicidal thoughts. If Bella would have died in that last book (remember, guys? remember how “she fell down the stairs?”), he was planning to kill himself, most likely by going to Italy and pissing off the Volturi, the ruling class family of vampires. Bella is horrified at this, and reminds him that if he had died, he wouldn’t have wanted her to kill herself. Are we sure this is a Twilight book?

Dad Charlie comes home, with pizza. Bella asks, hopefully, if Charlie wants her to stay home for her birthday, and he replies that there’s a Mariners game today so he won’t be good company. Awesome, Dad. Your daughter is turning 18 and you’re all “can’t talk game on.” He tosses Bella her gift, a camera (she almost drops it because she’s very clumsy remember guys she’s clumsy), and tells her… you know what, I’m just going to quote it.

“Hey, say hi to Alice for me. She hasn’t been over in a while.” Charlie’s mouth pulled down at one corner.

“It’s been three days, Dad,” I reminded him. Charlie was crazy about Alice.

EWWWWWW EW EW EW EW EW

A teenage girl who brings her friend over and becomes aware that her parent, her dad, her father, has a thing for said friend, would be grossed. the hell. OUT. MUCH LIKE I AM.

Bella seems to think there’s not really anything wrong with this.

So we are reading a Twilight book, after all.

Edward drives Bella in her truck to Chez Cullen, bitching about her truck the whole way. My word, this man is a whiner. He tells her to try to lighten the hell up, since all the vamps in vamptown are super excited for her birthday (apparently they don’t celebrate them anymore.)

You know, I’m sorry to make this so quote-heavy, but you guys have to got to see this.

“So, if you won’t let me get you the Audi, isn’t there anything that you’d like for your birthday?”

The words came out in a whisper. “You know what I want.”

She’s talking about having a Bite Day, but I’m imagining that they’re talking about sex.

A deep frown carved creases into his marble forehead. […]

“Not tonight, Bella, please.”

“Well, maybe Alice will give me what I want.”

HEYO!!

Alice doesn’t give her what she wants (not in this chapter at least), but she does decorate one hell of a party. There are paper lanterns decorating the outside, every flat surface inside the house is covered in pink candles and bowls filled with roses. A table near the piano is draped with white, and covered in yet more  candles and roses, and topped with a pink cake and a pile of silver-wrapped presents. Alice is too freaking sweet for words and I think I love her more by the minute.

It was a hundred times worse than I’d imagined.

…God, Bella is an ungrateful bitch.

The first gift is a car stereo, which Emmett is installing at this very moment, so that Bella can’t attempt to take it back. Oh, you. Edward hands her his present, assuring her that he hasn’t spent any money on it. Bella, an idiot, cuts her finger on the wrapping paper.

And all freaking Hell breaks loose as the little twit starts bleeding ever so slightly.

Edward and Jasper slam into each other, knocking Bella into the table. Jasper goes into a blood frenzy. Emmett tries to wrestle with him. Bella realizes that since she fell into a table full of crystal bowls, there is now a huge gash on her arm from all the shattered glass.

So she’s bleeding even more. Oh Lord.

Dazed and disoriented, I looked up from the bright red blood pulsing out of my arm–into the fevered eyes of the six suddenly ravenous vampires.

All because the little bitch got a paper cut.

Before those of you who are, I don’t know, smart, start to bring up that obviously this means Jasper should be freaking out over any woman who’s on her blooming period, I have some things to enlighten you on.

Stephenie Meyer, it seems, was posed this question several times. If all it takes is a drop of blood from a papercut to send Jasper into a frenzy, how can he, or any of the vamps for that matter, attend a high school where, at best, one in every four girls is menstruating? Instead of just saying “That’s gross and I’m not writing that,” which I would have come to expect and would even have accepted from Stephenie, she said this:

Several girls wanted to know if Edward would have a more difficult time being around Bella when she’s having her period. Answer: Yes, a little bit, but he would never say anything about it–much too much of a gentleman. And Bella would be way to embarrassed to ask. (It’s not the same as a cut, though. It’s sort of “dead” blood, if you get my meaning).

I tried to find this on her website’s FAQ and it seems to have been taken down. Gee, I wonder why. It’s not like you just called nutrient-and-blood-rich uterine lining, the same stuff that is the fuel and fire for the Miracle of Life dead or anything. It’s not like you just proved what a colossal moron you are with that one simple sentence.

This series never fails to deliver.

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68 Responses to “Chapter One”

  1. Michael Says:

    YEY! I missed your recaps..feeling lonely and with no one to hate… hehehe good luck with your epic quest!
    Beware, because the months pass fairly quickly….xD…bad joke…that’s why i’m NOT writing this recaps…

    • I’ve been warned about how ridiculous the time-skipping, uh, “chapters” get. I’m not even sure how to recap those.

      • And then, Bella Octobers for about a month, followed by five weeks of Novembering, then rounds it out with a good, solid stint of Decemberfication just to make sure she’s got all her bases covered.

  2. Well done, well done! A friend of mine on LJ posted a link to you, and I’m always so happy to find other people who are so completely appalled by Stephanie Meyers and her goddamn insulting Twatlight.

    This is very heartening, and very funny. Thank you. ^_^

  3. Weaver Says:

    The Jasper says: “gibbergibbergibber RAAAGH BLOOOOOOD!”

    Meanwhile, Alice… I could use someone like Alice around for friends’ birthdays >.> Just, wow. And yet, Bella hated it.

    As I just helped celebrate someone’s birthday tonight, and much fun was had by all, the idea that someone could hate birthdays just makes me go “bwuh?”

  4. Lecoto Says:

    When Bella cuts her finger, I can just imagine the sharks from Finding Nemo.

    “INTERVENTION!” *tackle*

  5. AND WE’RE BACK. Just in time for me to ignore my thesis document some more! Yes!

  6. When it’s all said and done, just think, you can always go back and recap Twilight from Edward’s point of view!

    Yay! http://www.stepheniemeyer.com/midnightsun.html

    • From the link: “Midnight Sun is an exercise in character development that got wildly out of hand (as do many of my projects)”

      LOLcharacterdevelopment

      • Android 21 3/7 Says:

        Actually, it makes perfect sense to me. Character development that goes out of control can result in badly thought-out and over-the-top characters.

    • Yesss I heard about this. Someone leaked it to the internet, and Stephenie did two things:

      1. She posted the draft herself, which was smart.
      2. She whined about how now she’s soooo upset, if she were to finish writing it, the badguy would kill everyone and the story would be Bad End. Which was teenage drama pants-on-head STUPID.

      • Nicole Says:

        It was my hope of hopes that SMeyer was the best troll ever and the series was going to end with Edward losing it in the heat of passion, mangling Bella’s body, and then going all shark frenzy on her corpse. SPOILER: this does not happen.

        The last I heard, she was STOPPING WRITING TWILIGHT SEQUELS 4EVAR! because of the leak.

        Which brings me to my next point…

        Real American Heroes:
        Today we salute you, Mr. Twilight ebook pirate guy!

      • Mr. Twilight ebook piiiiiirate guy!

        You perhaps unknowingly and single-handedly saved an e-generation from the possibility of a Twilight spin-off series, which, as leading scientists have proven, would have launched a macabre suicide campaign amongst those who appreciate actual literature!

        Greatest /b/tard eeeeeeeeever!

      • Magistrate of Mediocrety Says:

        You know she leaked it herself to keep from having to rewrite the first book over from Edward’s point of view. In a rare moment of lucidity, she saw how stupid the idea was in the first place and decided to bail.

  7. BELLA X ALICE OTP

  8. Kailan Says:

    One of these days I’ll write a parody fic for you in which Bella and Alice run away together to have crazy adventures (and possibly sex) while leaving Edward behind to mopity-mope. In a perfect world, this would happen.

    Then again, in a perfect world, Twilight might not actually exist. Such a conundrum~

  9. I don’t know if you heard about this but thought I’d post it up anyway; http://www.facebook.com/pages/Defining-Twilight/146922530146?ref=ts

    I love your recaps, very enjoyable read, keep it up! :)

  10. A Reader Says:

    I chuckled out loud while reading this at 6 in the morning by myself. This is great! Bravo to you! Keep writing. =)

  11. I followed over from the link on Fey Winds. ^_^

    God bless you woman!! I’ve stayed away from this series because of the wafting stench of moody vampire and I was right. I think I’m going to enjoy your recaps of this pathetic “teen” novel.

  12. Lukas! Says:

    Im glad to be excellent. And the reason I have the book is because my mother read them. And I said “mom, he eats the baby out of her” and she gave me this pained look like “but…but…but” so I told her I would read them. And thanks to you rai, i can!

  13. Oh, do you know how happy I am that I found the link to this?
    I was reading it out loud to my friend, we are both protesters to fair rights for thesauruses, and we could not stop giggling like… well, I guess… a couple of twitards. I thank you because it made our day. More recaps any time soon?
    I am in such a mood for loling at horrendous twilight fanfic right now :D

  14. Raidell Says:

    I loved your recap. While the books themselves made me want to claw my eyes out, what really gets me is the endless fangirling over it at my high school.

    There was an entire debate in my Spanish class about which was cooler, Star Wars or Twilight. It was mostly just a girls vs boys yelling match, so I tried my best to stay out of it. In the very end, the girls just said that girls are always right and boys are always wrong and if the guys get married and behave otherwise, they’ll be sleeping on the couch. -_- I did my best to keep a straight face throughout the whole thing.

    Oh, and I thought I would point you to this t-shirt:
    http://www.jinx.com/men/shirts/geek/buffy_staked_edward.html?catid=1&cs=19&csd=buffy

  15. or gee, I dunno, figure out that since menstrual blood isn’t quite BLOOD per se, describe it that way. :|
    to a vampire, I’d figure that particular smell would be something like burning a cinnamon-scented candle after you skip lunch and dinner. it’ll make visions of cinnamon rolls dance in your head, probably aggravate your hunger, but you’re not about to start chomping on everything in arm’s reach.

    • Moonshade Says:

      Creepy fact of the week:

      There are some (normal, human, pre-twilight) people who can smell menstrual blood. And apparently, it smells quite different from normal blood.

      I don’t know why.

      • *puts hand up* I am one of those people and it is true.

        But that doesn’t change the fact that it’s NUTRIENT-FILLED UTERINE LINING. Come on! Of all the idiocies, calling menstrual blood ‘dead’ is up the top!

      • soranomukou Says:

        Well, there’s this girl in my school… and she smells the WORST on her period, ever. You can always tell when someone is on their period, they get a weird, really weird, smell around them.

        That’s what happens in our school anyway. Maybe becaue it’s an all-girls we’re accustomed to sensing other people on their periods?

      • This intrigues me in a weird way. I’ve never been able to smell when a girl is on her period! Well, not without careful inspection, anyway, which most girls find rude.

  16. Android 21 3/7 Says:

    I’m actually one of the people who don’t like celebrating her own birthdays. My family would have to clean up the house, prepare the food, send out the invitations, deal with all those guests who are pretty likely to get bored quickly (I’m not particularly interesting in person), and then clean up the giant mess afterward. That said, I am not adverse to receiving presents. Gimme gimme! What’s up with Bella on that last score?

  17. French Reader Says:

    (Obviously, French isn’t my native language, so I apologize in advance for the bad syntax, grammar and vocabulary.)
    Thanks for your amazing reviews. You made me want to read the books for the fun.
    I’m disappointed with the English > French translation. I know literal translation is stupid, and the translator have to make some changes, but they just wiped out the Charlie/Alice thing in Chapter One. It’s less funny if they try to fix Stephenie Meyer’s mistakes.

  18. Okay, being totally new to New Moon, I’ll say that :

    1) The name Cullen and Edward, Alice, etc. Do they ever change it ? Because if they don’t and if they DID live here for a long time, there IS a problem. First, you said it, about the high schoolers in their promotion. And anyway, isn’t there a wacko history teacher who makes a habit of going through old files in every school ? And wouldn’t he/she have noticed something WEIRD, what with there being the same people over and over again ?

    2) ALICE ? and CHARLIE ? EWWWWW GROSS MIND IMAGE !

    3) I SO have to read it ! (no, I’m not masochist. I’ll just love to read it AFTER I read your recaps…)

  19. Magistrate of Mediocrety Says:

    Dammit. With Bella now 18 I have no hope of her dragging Edward to bed and then having him charged with statutory rape. Darn you Smeyer! You took away my one hope of something interesting/logical happening.

    • Moonshade Says:

      Au contraire, my friend.

      Now that SHE is 18 and he’s still 17 (forever and ever and ever and ever), it means that SHE would be the rapist. And go to jail until she actually was old and wrinkly. Which would make me laugh.

      • Android 21 3/7 Says:

        I thought it was only statutory rape if there were a 3 year difference or greater between them.

  20. May I point out that, in a school, people get papercuts, skratches, bruises, etc. ALL THE FREAKING TIME? I mean, in P.E. alone, there should be some injuries, not to mention accidents or fights. HOW THE HELL HASN’T JASPER NOMMED SOMEONE YET?

    • And nosebleeds! People get nosebleeds all the time! I restate my ‘WHY HAS NOMMING NOT OCCURED’ statement!

      • Android 21 3/7 Says:

        That is a very good question! Indeed, once I had about 28 nosebleeds in a month! And that month was February! (It was very dry that year.)

  21. I understand…you are right..she is to worried about people Celebrating her B-day….tch juss let ya know

  22. Katie Cole Says:

    there should be a law stating that authors can only describe the characters in the book ONCE. SMeyer does it too much. Yes we know the vamps are gorgeous etc blah blah. ENOUGH ALREADY! And I don’t care if it is ‘Bella’ doing it since she is the narrator but really, who spends that much time thinking about what others look like, let alone describing them 24/7, like it’s her friggin job. A simple recap would suffice.

  23. As funny as it is to read your reviews, there’s something kind of depressing about seeing “Chapter One” all over again…

  24. … wait.. Bella’s mum was a KTeacher…. and they were too *broke* to get her bday presents?! Are you shitting me?

    SMeyer has insulted me for the last time (probably not though – sadly)

    My family spent 3 months living in /tents/ because we where had no home… in fact – we went through a LOT of shit – and my mum would NOT EAT so she could get us kids presents for our b-days…

    maybe my mother’s the exception… but i was always under the impression that most mothers would go to hell and back to make sure that they kiddies at least got /something/ for bday and christmas. (hell, look at this past chirstmas, with the economy slump) … it might not of been anything big , and it was usually just the one thing, but those where /THE/ best gifts you could eve get, and where treasured….

    hell.. i’d even bet it might of even been the same way with dear little Bella – she’s just to much of a grubby whining bitch to have noticed…

    Lord do I hate this girl….

    I thought I was doing so good in not commenting – to keeping my anger to myself… but that little snip…. that pissed me off.. I’m sure I’m overreacting…..

    You can not like birthdays all you want… but that bit is an insult to a mothers love.. Gah… okay.. i’m going back under my rock…..

    Sorry.. jsut ignore me ^^;

  25. soranomukou Says:

    Even if it’s “dead” blood(which it’s not, that’s ridiculous), vampires should love it anyway. It’s BLOOD, and they’re VAMPIRES.

  26. Oh. My. God. I just realized something: If they never made Twilight, then Alice would have never existed.

  27. I like how you can tell it’s a homage to Romeo and Juliet cause it mentions Romeo and Juliet a lot in the first chapter. Who really needs subtlety anyway?

    • Some authors use literary breadcrumbs. Other authors use literary trails.

      Stephenie Meyer rents out literary billboards with flashing literary neon lights.

  28. lllyria Says:

    S Meyer really thinks well of herself if she’s willing to compare Twilight to Romeo & Juliet…that’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. Twilight shouldn’t even be considered literature. But sadly, I found a list of “must read classics” and Twilight was on it! There is no way in hell that Twilight is a classic. What is happening to the world that it would consider Twilight a CLASSIC!?!?!

  29. Hahaha. Pedophilia, lesbian vampires, and PMS all in the same chapter. This chapter is already waaaay better than the whole first book!

  30. Sarcasmfeeder Says:

    My new favorite words are ‘Smeyer’, ‘Manpirely’, and ‘Volvopire’. I love Alice too!

  31. I object to Renee’s sudden role as a kindergarten teacher!

    Seriously. We had one huge paragraph, if not paragraphS, in Twilight dedicated to the premise that Renee can’t do jack shit without someone there to help her. It says that Bella had to make sure there was gas in the car, food in the fridge, and that the bills were paid on time. >.> And that since Renee had Phil, those things would at least be covered in Almighty Bella’s absence.

    There is NO frigging way that Renee is responsible enough to handle a room of toddlers. >.<

    And in response to the statutory rape discussion I saw in there somewhere, I'm sure the legal age differences for it are different from state to state. My understanding is that it's statutory rape if one of the partners is eighteen and the other is sixteen or younger, but I'm no paralegal or lawyer, so…. *shrug* Who knows?

  32. I’m surprised you didn’t mention that Alice had been spending time in Bella’s house to help her shower! Come on, what kind of AlicexBella shipper are you? :-D

  33. Abisoose Says:

    May I add something? “its amazing the favors Edward could get the female administrators to do for him.” Awww Isn’t that sweet? He used and manipulated those silly little women so that they could stare at each other all day! LOL

  34. Wow. Really wish I hadn’t been eating right when I read “Charlie was crazy about Alice”. I think I just lost my appetite.

  35. Isn’t the age difference between Alice and Charlie smaller than that of Bella/Edward? And despite approving rape and being oblivious to Bella’s life, Charlie is still a far more sympathetic character than Bella. So, really, Alice/Charlie is nowhere near as gross, as Bella/Edward.

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