What happens now?

So, I’ve finally tackled Twilight, and hated it, just like I suspected I would. But don’t relax yet, gentle readers. There are three whole other books in this series, and with how many used book stores we have in town, I know I am just certain to find New Moon around here somewhere.

I came into Twilight knowing a fair bit about what happens–except for the Alice thing. I don’t know why people weren’t telling me that in an effort to get me to read it, as opposed to “but the vampires sparkle!” With New Moon, I only have two things to go on:

  1. Edward and Bella are seperated for most of the book, which means that I will probably want to kill myself just as badly as Bella does.
  2. Smeyer’s werewolves are really freaking stupid.

So it’ll just be one surprise after another, I’m sure! I plan to retire the Adverb Count (I think we all get the point by now) and introduce a new rubric of measure, the Edward Creep-O-Meter. Is Edward creepy, on a scale of 1 to 10? My guarantee is at some point we will reach 11!

I want to give myself a small break before I launch into yet another book I will invariably hate, so no recaps for a week. “What will we do for a week,” you (i.e. my mother) will cry. “How can we possibly live for seven days without another snark-filled, sober look at this piece of young adult ‘literature?'”

Never fear. I have a few things planned to keep you all (i.e. my mother) entertained, so keep coming back!

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15 Responses to “What happens now?”

  1. I wasn’t gonna ask and I certainly wasn’t expecting, but I was hoping you were going to start on the second book lol.

    I’m…impressed you’re going for it, actually lol. I feel like I can say I read the book now.

  2. fantasyforever Says:

    I was actually really disappointed when I saw you had finished it D: This has become something I look forward to every day XD

    While I’m happy and excited to see your take on the second book, I hope it doesn’t drive you completely insane. :P But once you finish all four books, you can join the group of people who have gone through all of it and still think it’s crap XD

  3. No one told you about the Alice thing because it really won’t amount to anything over the course of the series. I’ll warn you that Jasper also turns out to be relatively awesome. And that Rosalie’s backstory and motivations, despite adding to the rampant misogyny, are somewhat compelling.

    The series is just a big literary cocktease. Don’t expect anything you find remotely interesting to go anywhere.

    I have gotten a lot of enjoyment out of your blog since finding it last week, and I’m so glad you’ll be continuing the series. Go read a good book, and we’ll see you when you get back.

    Oh, and save the Edward Creep-O-Meter for the third book.

    • No one told you about the Alice thing because it really won’t amount to anything over the course of the series.

      BAH. I shouldn’t be surprised that Stephenie would be way more in love with her self-insert Mary Sue incredibly boring main character, than her actually fairly interesting vampires.

      Oh, and save the Edward Creep-O-Meter for the third book

      …That sounds rather ominous, lol.

  4. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!
    And that’s appropriate on several counts:
    1) I love this recap and now it’s over. A friend of mine showed it to me after I saw the movie for the first time a few weeks ago because I made fun of it mercilessly.
    2) DON’T BUY THE NEXT BOOKS!!! You’d be wasting money on this garbazh, and giving money to SMeyer! Just say no, you wonderful thing, you.

    • Never fear, I’m buying them used from a local store, if a friend can’t lend me their copy. There’s no way in hell I want her to have my money lol

      And this recap will continue! After I rest my brainmeats.

      • I’m ashamed to say I’m pretty much doing the same. After seeing the movie (in a taunt-fest) with friends, and reading this recap, I now have a strong, somewhat masochistic desire to read the series. My friend has all the books – she’s a twi-hater, but just couldn’t rip herself away, like watching a train wreck – and I hope she will lend them to me.
        I once asked her what was so bad about the books. Her response: “Ok, in one of the books, Bella spends FIVE PAGES eating a granola bar.”
        Another friend confirmed that this was pretty much the case.

      • Android 21 3/7 Says:

        *snerk* Are you serious, Becky? Okay, I totally have to read it now. I’d doodle Bella eating that granola bar with such dramatic poses in the margins.

  5. I can’t even begin to tell you how many times I laughed out loud at this recap. I first read Twilight after I saw that hideous farce parading itself as a “movie” and my friend insisted that while the film was utter tripe, the book itself was “fun”. I proceeded to read the whole series. Mind you, every single one of your points was highly valid. The books are really really not good books. I did, however, find them entertaining and, as my friend stated, “fun”. I admit to enjoying Twilight..

    Before I’m flamed to death, I’ll point out that I do agree that the characters are stupid, poorly developed, and actually concur with just about every fault you described.

    I will, however, stoutly defend the werewolves because they’re not technically werewolves in the traditional sense. Smeyer does go on to explain in the third and fourth books so I don’t want to reveal too much, but I will defend the wolf characters because of all the characters she’s written, Jacob and Alice are my favorites.

    By the way, I agree completely that the books should’ve been about Alice and Jasper.

    I can’t wait for your next installments. . I’ll be waiting (along with your mom XD) with bated breath

    • I’m not going to flame people who liked Twilight LOL Well, unless they come in here asking for it. I can agree with others that there are things in the books that are enjoyable–namely, for me, Alice, and how she seems to be an island of intrigue in a sea of poorly-thought plot points and utterly boring dialogue.

      I’m interested to see what the werewolf thing is all about. I heard something about exploding.

  6. IHateTwilight Says:

    Hey, at least these books are a great example of what NOT to do! (in both writing and life)

  7. I like the last 3 paragraphs of this post. In all seriousness, they don’t sound a bit egoistic, you have a way with words.

    I really enjoyed my trip into this horror so far. I hope to finish the archive by tomorrow.

    P.S: Has it occurred to you that maybe everybody is reading the book from the wrong perspective? The book gains a whole new level if we consider the narration to be from the perspective of a permanently sparkle-drugged Bella who got her brain hamstrung by the manpire from day one.
    It would explain how she survived 17 okay years without him but now HAS TO BE NEAR HIM ALL THE TIME OH GOD

  8. Jetpacking Werewolves GO!! Says:

    D: The werewolves are awesome, right up to the point where they turn into pedos and Bella-protectors. For some reason Meyer neglected to mention the fact they all have jetpacks and rule the sky as well as the land.

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