Crap, there’s an epilogue.

Bella, all dolled up in a fancy dress, with a fancy do, and a fancy leg boot, is being helped into the Volvopire by Edward, dressed in a tux. Alice spent all day prettying her up, which actually is sort of a cute mental image. With how Alice’s hair is described (sticking out in all directions, like she were just shocked–hey!), I’m surprised Bella didn’t come out of this with a fauxhawk or something.

Oh, and, Bella has no idea what’s going on. Not until Edward gets a call from Charlie, informing him that Tyler wants to know why Bella isn’t there to be his date to the prom.

Oh MY GOD Bella throws a fit. I would, too, if I were somehow stupid enough to not know that high school prom was coming. Crap on a stick, how meatheaded and tunnel-visioned do you have to be to miss prom planning, prom signs, guys asking girls out, girls chattering about dresses and shoes and hair, guys chattering about hotel rooms and beer…

Right. Bella.

Well, all theĀ  vampires are there. By the way, Rosalie still hates her and her still-living womb. Everyone is super pretty, and we are treated to paragraphs about just how pretty they are. Edward helps Bella dance by having her stand on his shoes like she’s a toddler.

Suddenly, injuns!

Jacob Black is here, for some unknown reason. He sidles up to the happy mixed-race couple and asks if he can dance. Edward hisses at him, I’m not even kidding, but Bella says it’s fine. There is some awkwardly cute flirting. Jacob calls her pretty. Aww.

He fills her in. Billy the Meddling Indian paid Jacob $20 to come to this prom. Never mind that this won’t even cover gas money (speaking of which.. how did Jacob get here? he’s only 15), seriously dude, your dad had to pay you?

The reason Billy paid Jacob to come to prom was specifically so he could find Bella and tell her that Dad wants her to break up with Edward.

How exactly did Billy expect this to pan out? “Oh! Really? My father’s friend that I barely remember, much less know, wants me to break off with someone I literally cannot breathe without? Sure! Not a problem. Hey, now that I’m single, wanna get down and dirty and make a litter?’

Bella says no. Duh.

Jacob finishes the message with “We’ll be watching,” looking intensely embarrassed the whole time. Poor kid. I can’t believe daddy is sending him on his drama errands. I would have told the old man to stuff it, personally, but Jacob is in love with this idiot and wanted to see her dancing with some gorgeous white kid all night.

Edward reappears, glaring at Jacob until he leaves. He then sighs and says how much that native kid is getting on his nerves. Bella isn’t pretty, what an insult, she’s much more than even beautiful. Ugh.

Anyway, Edward leads her outside, and they get to talking. He took her to prom because he doesn’t want her to miss out on her life because of him. Bella (and I) both argue that she wouldn’t have gone to the prom in the first place, so she’s not really missing anything. Bella confesses that she was sort of hoping all the dolling and dressing up was for her Bite Day, which Edward immediately calls absolutely retarded.

Edward insists that he’s not worth her becoming an immortal perfect absolutely beautiful sparkling creature who is forever young and strong and talented. Why on earth does she want to be a vampire? He makes like he’s going to bite her, right there at prom, and it’s all tense and sexual and crap, until he psychs her out and simply kisses her. Oh, you, pretending like you’re going to inject me with a fatal and excruciatingly painful poison!

I will leave you with the last paragraphs of this stinkfest, this pile of refuse, this hot burning injection of pure misogyny, codependency, abuse and necrophilia.

I touched his face. “Look,” I said. “I love you more than everything else in the world combined. Isn’t that enough?”

“Yes, it is enough,” he answered, smiling. “Enough for forever.”

And he leaned down to press his cold lips once more to my throat.

eeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwww

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you

Twilight.

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30 Responses to “Crap, there’s an epilogue.”

  1. Thank you so much for the AMAZINGNESS that was this recap. You got me through some tough times with my thesis, when I really needed a good laugh.

  2. you need to do this for the other books, fully and truely!

    this was the best internet read i’ve had in ages!

  3. Millenous Laughter Says:

    I’m glad that SMeyer realizes how for cerals it is when a 17-year-old girl says “I love you more than everything anywhere evar!11!1eleven!”

    Maybe she married some 45-year-old guy at 17, and she loved him just to death, and that’s what inspired this story.

  4. Softspoken Says:

    Well, you gotta admit. Edward was right. Getting dolled up for ‘Bite day’ (which makes me gag to even type) is idiotic.

    Also, did anyone EVER believe that he would actually bite her at the prom? EVER?

  5. Weneolan Says:

    Oh man, this has been the bestest ever. I haven’t had so many laughs over Twilight mockery since reading through the Xlormp version, and I commend you for pressing on in spite of the sheer agony. I only managed to force myself through the first book, but since your posts are so informative, I’ll definitely be carrying on to see what you have to say about the next ones.

  6. I haven’t laughed so hard in such a long time. I can’t wait until you get to book three–…you know, actually, book two is particularly bad as well. Book 4 has a couple of high points, you know, in which our “heroine” randomly decides to act on her own will and so forth. Have *gasp* ideas and so forth.

    Anyway, you are made of amazing and have made my day repeatedly. Also, I agree with you on Alice (totally badass and great back story!) and the SMeyer infinite typewriter monkey theory.

    <3

  7. Andrea Says:

    I am so glad I’m not alone in my endeavor to read the series. I knew that it would be bad (no, wait, horrible), but my coworkers (who apparently are 15 year old girls stuck in 25 year old bodies… cringe) kept raving about the “quality” of the “love” story.

    You’re blog is hilarious. It makes reading the books almost worth it… almost…

  8. Ok so, I (yes a male) actually enjoyed the first and the last (yes large gasps here) books of the twilight saga. However i totally agree with you, Why would i want to FEEL for the thing known as Bella when she as no character until the 4th book!!! (well even then you can’t call it a personality) but anyway i did enjoy the series even if it had its cringe worthy moments and i had to run fr the loo many times because you cracked me up .
    Great Job.

  9. Gabriela Says:

    I just wanted to say that I really enjoyed your recaps.

    I can’t wait for the rest.

  10. I tried to read it, I made it five pages. Watched the movie and swore to never touch it again. Now I will know what the hell my boyfriend’s mother is taking about and MAYBE with some real novels and my new found knowledge be able to educate her in what real literature is. THANK YOU! You win all the gold stars in the world and universe. I love you!

  11. I just finished the first book — borrowed from co-workers because I was warned not to pay actual money for the thing. After whining about how bad it was elsewhere, I was sent a link to this blog. Can I just say, “Best antidote ever!” You have definitely improved me outlook with your awesome analysis.

    It’s not just your hilarity that I’m enjoying, either. It’s the things you point out that can lead a reader from epic boredom to profound amazement at the idiocy displayed.

    I can’t think of a funny way to point out the racist use of the “Wise Old Indian” cliche. Was the wheel chair included to provide the proper number of minorities per population? Or was it just because Smeyer’s brand of Mormonism won’t abide representation from the GBLT universe? Should I be expecting a wise-cracking Black jew in one of the next books?

  12. So I’ve thoroughly enjoyed your recap :). You’ve provided plenty of replies for when my too-old-to-enjoy-Twilight friends are all “OMG Edward!” I don’t know which chapter you said it in, but I agree that the series would’ve been much better had Eddie just been written as insane. Like a dark, tortured, creepy, charming antihero who we and Bella don’t know whether to pity, fear, or love (a la Phantom of the Opera, a book with a plot that bears a creepy similarity to Twilight, btw). But instead we get a shallow, vain, perfect (but awww, he doesn’t know it), sparkly manpire devoid of anything in his past or present to make him such a bitch. And our leading lady is never conflicted and expresses no emotion beyond “EDWARD IS PERFECT!!!”

  13. That was an awesome recap. Thank you, Ms. Rachel.

  14. I just read Twilight at the request of my friend who is a loyal reader of your blog. She wanted me to read it, so as to know what the heck you were talking about and not just think you were making things up.

    Although reading it was more than painful at times, reading your recaps was a fantastic chaser. I laughed so hard I nearly fell off my chair while peeing myself. Thankfully, like Edward I was able to control myself, and both the chair and the floor are dry.

    It is sad, howerver, that I enjoyed your recaps so much that I am almost eager to read the next three books when my mom finishes them and lends them to me.

  15. Mary Sue Says:

    … I now know why my relationships never last! I must transplant my skin with diamonds, kill people, and drug/abuse/assault/humiliate my significant other, all the while bemoaning my horrible existence as a person, I never asked to be born, woe is me, I am a monster because I ate some girl’s TRACHEA.

    Thank you for this, so much, my Microbiology teacher will have this blog shoved down her throat.

  16. My god… This was the best thing I’ve read in ages.
    You really should try to publish this. -nods sagely- I’m sure there is some copyright dodging loophole,(probably the “you can parody anythign for free” one.) and a publisher who is less than fond of this book series and wouldn’t mind ripping it a new one.

    On to book two!

    Makokam out.

  17. They should publish your critics; now THAT would be a BOOK! Bigger best-seller than that piece of garbage!

  18. Hi there, my daughter just turned me on to your blog and I am hooked! I forced myself to plow through this horrible series because I am a librarian. It’s time I can never get back, but your recaps have eased my pain. I have been using this series to teach my daughter about the things that REAL literature has. Character, plot, conflict, catharsis. Smeyer should be forced to go back and retake English Lit 101. Can’t wait for the next chapter!

  19. …. You mean ALL of this was in ONE book?

    No wonder it’s freaking huge.

    It’s a teenage soap opera on paper. |:

  20. Wonderful recap. I salute you.

    By the way, am I the only one that thinks it’s weird they go to PROM when they have yet another high school year to go through?

  21. in most schools I kno of, jrs and srs go to prom but maybe that’s jus tha area I live in :-)

  22. Wow!! You’re writing is AMAZING!! :D :D
    It’s 100x better than the actual thing.
    Why not get it published? People can have a good laugh over the insanity of it all :)

  23. Your*

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