Chapter Twenty-Four is the last chapter
ADVERB COUNT: 56
Oh God, can it be? The light at the end of the tunnel? The reassuring lack of pages on the right side of this book? Am I really almost done?
Bella wakes up in a hospital. Edward is there, having never left her side. She has a broken leg, four broken ribs, a cracked skull, bruises all over her body, a bite mark on her hand… and do you know what they’ve told her mother?
She fell down the stairs.
Oh. My. God.
Anyway, he fills her in. James is dead, Alice saw the tape, Mom is here somewhere, etc. Bella panics when she sees the IV in her arm, because she hates needles. Ummm they don’t… leave the needle in there. Chill out, sister. Edward makes some comment about how ridiculous it is for her to be afraid of needles when she so bravely stood up to a murderous undead minion of the night intent on draining her blood. That wasn’t exactly bravery, Ed. You didn’t have to read the hotel room chapters with her curled in a ball and staring at the ceiling for hours on end.
The story they’re feeding Mom is that Edward came to Phoenix with Carlisle and Alice to “talk some sense” into Bella. Of course he came with adult supervision, he makes a point of saying, “virtuously.” Bella, being herself, managed to fall down two flights of stairs and through a window.
I’m sure the cop father will totally freaking buy this after how freaking upset she was at Edward. Fell down the stairs MY ASS.
Then there’s this little number:
He leaned in slowly; the beeping noise accelerated wildly before his lips even touched me. But when they did, though with the most gentle of pressure, the beeping stopped altogether.
He pulled back abruptly, his anxious expression turning to relief as the monitor reported the restarting of my heart.
Her heart. Stops. When he kisses her.
I just. There. Her heart. What? I don’t think I have any words for how bleeding stupid this is.
Speaking of that, HOW THE CRAP ARE VAMPIRES IN A HOSPITAL RIGHT NOW WHEN THEY FREAK OUT AT THE SMELL OF BLOOD.
Oh God, my head.
Mom comes in, Edward pretends to be asleep. There’s the page of “you’re okay oh my sweet baby I’m so glad you’re okay,” and then Bella asks where Phil the Husband is. GUESS WHAT, Phil got signed to that baseball team he wanted in Florida and so now they’re moving to Florida oh and Bella you’re going to love it it’s so warm and sunny and the house is just darling and we’re right near the ocean and–
Bella interrupts Self-Centered Mom to inform her that she still has another parent she’s living with in Forks. Mom is aghast. She wants to stay in Forks? Mom may be egocentric, but she isn’t stupid, and soon zeroes in on the fact that it’s because of Edward.
“Well, he seems very nice, and, my goodness, he’s incredibly good-looking, but you’re so young, Bella…”
Wait, what? 17 is too young to have a boyfriend? What rock has she been living under?
Does everyone just automatically assume she’s going to marry him? I mean, she is, but c’mon. At least inject some semblance of reality into this.
Mom starts glancing at the clock. Bella asks if visiting hours are over, and Mom lets her know that Phil is going to be calling soon.
…Okay, so. Your daughter is broken all over, has been unconscious for days, and after talking to her for maybe 20 minutes you bail because Phil is calling soon.
Between Charlie’s inattentiveness and Mom’s extreme immaturity… I think I can see how Bella sprang into being.
It’s okay, Edward is here. After Mom leaves, he expresses surprise that Bella wouldn’t want to live in Florida. She says that’d be silly–he’d have to stay indoors all day! Bella, unfortunately, has missed the point, and Edward further suggests that perhaps he should live farther from her so he doesn’t, you know, draw more vampires to her and her delicious blood.
Bella has a panic attack, right then and there. So codependent is she, she can hardly imagine what it would be like to live without this marvelous creature. Despite the fact that she was doing great just fine okay for 17 years without him. She makes him swear that he won’t ever leave her, ever, ever.
More “I’m dangerous and could hurt you,” because we certainly haven’t gotten enough of that. Bella wants to know why he didn’t just let the venom run its course and let her become a vampire. UH OH, WHO TOLD YOU. Edward gets pissed. Bella argues, in the clearest burst of logic she has displayed in 500 pages, that she should get to save him sometimes, too, to make things more equal. Edward is having none of that. If she were a vampire, he wouldn’t be able to control her as easily she would be throwing the rest of her life away.
Dude, what life? She has no friends, no hobbies, no goals, no family (her parents are both pretty sub-par so I’m not even counting them), and essentially she just exists to get married to you and have your abominable undead baby. Speed things up here. We could have wrapped this all up in two books. Even Alice has seen this coming.
Edward says no, and that means no. Bella points out that eventually she is going to get old, like 25 old. And then it’s going to be creepy that she’s hanging out with an extremely pretty 17 year old. That actually seems to drive it home for Edward, but he ends the conversation by calling the nurse in to drug Bella up some more. I wish I were joking.
Wait. Crap, there’s an epilogue. CRAP.