Chapter Twenty-Two

These are short, and I’m sort of motivated by being done with this garbage.


Alice has a vision, about Bella. It’s ok, Jasper shows up to calm her down. Whatever the vision is, Alice never says, and Bella thinks she knows anyway, so… we never find out.

They go to the airport. Bella is still trying to plot how to get away from someone who can see the future, and someone who can sense her emotions. Alice explains that her power is a little lamer than most people would assume–she only sees the future of the path the person is currently on. As soon as they change their mind, the future changes. So she’s not handy, or repetitive, just more like a weatherman. For the future.

Anyway, she doesn’t see Bella going into the airport bathroom with two exits and making a break for it, which is what’s important to this paper-thin plot.

Bella hops on a Hyatt shuttle. At the Hyatt, she flags a cab to Mom’s house. Mom’s house is locked, for some reason, and, of course, on the whiteboard inside is a 10-digit number. Let’s give it a ring.

James tells Bella that Mom is perfectly fine (“I have no quarrel with her. Unless you didn’t come alone, of course.”) and gives her instructions to the ballet studio Bella already knew she was going to. Bella runs. And falls down a lot. And runs some more.

The ballet studio is closed for spring break, and unlocked. Bella lets herself in, and immediately starts to hear her mom call her name.

“Bella? Bella?” That same tone of hysterical panic. I sprinted to the door, to the sound of her voice.

“Bella, you scared me! Don’t you ever do that to me again!” Her voice continued as I ran into the long, high-ceilinged room.

I stared around me, trying to find where her voice was coming from. I heard her laugh, and I whirled to the sound.

There she was, on the TV screen, tousling my hair in relief. It was Thanksgiving, and I was twelve.

PSYCHE Mom’s fine, the tracker lured you here with a VHS tape! We couldn’t actually put your Mom in danger, that would cause tension.

This is probably the most boring hunter ever.

James appears with the remote, apologizing, but positing that it’s better if Renee wasn’t involved in this. Bella agrees, flooded with relief. James pauses at this.

“You don’t sound angry that I tricked you.”

“I’m not.” …

“How odd. You really mean it. … I suppose you’re going to tell me that your boyfriend will avenge you?” he asked, hopefully it seemed to me.

“No, I don’t think so. At least, I asked him not to.”


He bitches about how this was too easy and he wanted a little more of a challenge. That’s funny, I wanted a little more from THIS PLOT. His bitch turns into a full-blown monologue, I am not even joking. He goes on for the next two pages describing his Diabolical Plan. Victoria found out where Bella’s mom lived, James went there to wait for her, heard her message for her mom (HA I knew she’d left that on the house phone PLOT HOLE), and when he heard Edward had gotten on a plane to Phoenix, knew that it was All According to Plan.

So anyway, he’s going to beat the crap out of Bella, probably kill and eat her, and videotape it to enjoy later when he’s alone. I mean, to torture Edward with. Now that he’s recording, he continues his enormous monologue, bitching some more about how once this vampire totally stole his kill.

“You see, the vampire who was so stupidly fond of this little victim made the choice that your Edward was too weak to make. When the old one knew I was after his little friend, he stole her from the asylum where he worked–I never will understand the obsession some vampires seem to form with you humans–and as soon as he freed her he made her safe. She didn’t even seem to notice the pain, poor little creature. She’d been stuck in that black hole of a cell for so long. A hundred years earlier and she would have been burned at the stake for her visions.”


“In the nineteen-twenties it was the asylum and the shock treatements. When she opened her eyes, strong with her fresh youth, it was like she’d never seen the sun before. The old vampire made her a strong new vampire, and there was no reason for me to touch her then.” He sighed. “I destroyed the old one in vengeance.”

“Alice,” I breathed, astonished.


Okay. Let me get this straight.

Stephenie Meyer is capable of coming up with a plot twist so sublime, concerning a character I actually like, so brutal and interesting as “she was a victim of 1920’s mental health care,” and yet, the rest of this 500 page book is full of steaming, hissing mind-poison.

I feel freaking CHEATED. Finding something like this in Twilight ONLY MAKES ME MADDER.


I digress.

James bitches some more, because waahhh I didn’t get to eat Alice. He figures letting Clan Cullen keep her in exchange for him eating Bella is a fair deal. I am forced to agree with him. I’m already wondering why the hell we don’t have a book about Alice, who is clearly the product of the inifinte monkey theorem given the quality of Smeyer’s other characters.

Yes, I’m comparing Stephenie Meyer to a million monkeys with typewriters.

After whining and whining like a teenager girl, James decides to get on with it and gets to beating up Bella, who only runs as soon as he finishes his monologue. Breaks a leg, cuts her head on some mirror glass, etc. Then she starts to bleed. Here we go!

Vampires, we were explained earlier, and I didn’t feel like writing it down, vampires have a shark-like blood frenzy. As soon as they see it, smell it, taste it, they go nuts and have to make a frenzy check resist the urge to drain the person dry. As soon as Bella starts bleeding, she knows what’s coming, so she lays there in a haze, and tries to shield her face with her hand. Like that’s going to stop a sharkpire.

Oh God oh God I hope he drains her dry.

…I know he doesn’t.

I’m trying not to weep.

48 Responses to “Chapter Twenty-Two”

  1. Wait, WHAT? Really?

    If Meyer had a Genuinely Deep And Interesting Character With A Real Backstory Who The Audience Cares About up her sleeve, why aren’t these books about Alice?? D:

  2. I’d heard about Alice having been in an asylum, but I can’t recall the spoilers ever mentioning her having been a previous lunch consideration for the book’s baddie. huh.

    Also now I kind of want to crackpair Alice & James.

    (and it would still probably be healthier than Edward/Bella.)

  3. Was Bella really stupid enough to get tricked by an old home movie? Why the hell does her family even own a home movie of Bella’s mother panicking!?

    • It’s Bella on a dock flailing her arms and trying not to fall in. Hence the “Bella?? Bella??”


      • Family video 11/25/98 “Bella Falling Off Dock pt. 8”

        So does Mansharkpire just have some time to burn so he starts watching family videos? More importantly why the hell does a family keep videos of their hideously clumsy daughter falling off things while her mother screams?

  4. fantasyforever Says:

    Man, that is some nice sound quality, eh? Because speakers on a TV, going through a phone, then playing out from a cell phone sounds JUST LIKE her mother.

    I don’t think I have ever heard someone’s TV through my phone and thought it was a real person O_o It always has that kinda-electronic quality to it.

    You’re almost done with this book! Just try not to impale yourself with the second- it’s WAY WORSE. D: Lots of emo-teen.

    • Y’know, I’ve barely been able to hear a TV through a phone, lately. Of course, they’re cellphones. Still, it comes in little snatches of sound, all broken up. It’d be hard to mistake for a real person.

      Then again… This is Bella we’re talking about.

  5. ….FFFFFFFFF you mean there was an interesting character and she made it about the fucking Mary Sue?


    • From what I’ve heard about Jasper, he’s actually sort of cool too. I want to read about them, I am freaking sick of Bella.

      • Di-chan Says:

        Only if there is a possiblity of getting Meyers to sign the characters over to a talented writer.

      • You know, I was really wondering what kept me reading those 4 idiotic books. And then I realized, I kept reading just to get to the parts about the other vampires. Alice, Jasper, and even Rosalie. Those were the parts that I wasn’t wanting to claw my eyes out. I’m glad someone shares my sentiments.

  6. i’m still convinced that if these books were about Alice and Jasper, we’d be bitching about what a Mary Sue Alice is, and how badass and under-rated Bella and Edward are

  7. Maybe she stole Alice from another writer?

  8. You know, this is a bit ironic, but that sole interesting plot twist isn’t even historically accurate. There was a reform movement in America decades before the 1920s that banned all of those inhumane methods of ‘treatment’ in insane asylums…like electroshock therapy. So really…Smeyer super fails…

    • Maaannnnnnn really? Christ. She couldn’t research something like that?

      • I just started reading your blog, so sorry for the late reply. If you’re still interested in knowing:

        There was a push to make mental hospitals better before the 1920’s. There is little chance Alice would have been locked up in a room with no access to sunlight or other people. On another note, electroshock therapy was started in Italy in 1938. Lobotomy was also introduced later than 1920 (in 1935, to be precise). Most likely, Alice would have been treated by being housed with a bunch of other mentally ill and disabled people. However, there is also a chance she would have been reintroduced to the community due to the research of someone named Harry Sullivan.

        Regardless, this research took 10 minutes and still shows Smeyer is most likely incorrect (treatment of the mentally ill varied from place to place). She describes treatment more likely to occur in the early 1800’s.

    • CrabOfDoom Says:

      Chances would’ve been higher that Alice would’ve been lobotomized as treatment, I think. Stake burnings in the 1820s doesn’t sound right, either. Even the after-the-fact legal handlings of the Salem witch trials were over by 1718, and never included any actual burnings. Which isn’t to say James (or SM) wasn’t just an idiot pulling facts out of his ass for his dinner.

  9. Well comparing the Adventures of Bella Swan and her blood sucking boy toy.

    To lets say..

    The Adventures of Joesph Smith and the Golden Bible. (And somehow spawned Tens of Thousands of loyal followers)

    I’m beginning to suspect that writing a story that creates a massive rift between “loving” and “hating” is a hereditary genetic disorder found in Mormons.

    Just my two cents,

    • Moonshade Says:

      Not. Cool.

    • Wow. That’s just awesome. Seriously though, why don’t you go rag on some Jewish authors and call it “genetic” that they’re bad? Wait, that’d sound kind of Nazi-ish? Nah. So methinks your “Blah” comments relating everything to her being Mormon are getting a bit old. I know your Blah name is meant to give you a detached persona, but I think you’re just trying to hide your anti-Mormon obsession. This blog is too original and amusing for someone like you. Best quit while your ahead.

  10. When I skimmed over this chapter, I totally had a vision of James going through all of Bella’s Mom’s home videos, trying to pick JUST THE RIGHT ONE.

    • HA OMG. I hadn’t even thought of that. He would have had to pour over the tapes until he found one of Bella’s mom sounding panicked!

      James: super epic lame villain extraordinaire.

      • I’m seeing the “home video watching experience” scene with Fiennes’ character from Red Dragon

    • Android 21 3/7 Says:

      Oh gee thanks. Now I can picture it too.

      James: *watching at his leisure in Bella’s Mom’s house and eating her popcorn* No no, that one is not NEARLY panicky enough. …No, that one doesn’t have the right intonation… Hmm… Too much background noise in that one…

    • When I read the book, I was thinking the exact same thing. But even then, why would he have even started watching the home videos? Did he think “I will find one with someone panicking for Bella and use it to lure her here,” because if that’s his master plan, then he’s the worst villain I’ve ever read.

      ohwait he was added as an afterthought anyways by one of the worst writers evar NVM

  11. Magistrate of Mediocrety Says:

    “I destroyed the old one instead” Wait. I thought they were invulnerable. I mean old man Carl tried every which way to kill himself. You’d think Carl would have found the one way to off himself if he was serious about it. . . . Now that I think about it, I’m certain he could have killed himself; he killed other vampires before he was turned, right? Why couldn’t he have had someone do the same to him?

    The better question would be why do I care about such inconsistencies?

    • Android 21 3/7 Says:

      Because finding inconsistencies is fun! One of my favorite things to do is watch movies and point out all the plot holes! … Though I’m not very good at it…

  12. Waitaminnit: Bella took BALLET at one point in her pointless existence? Then how in the hell is she SO EFFING CLUMSY? I mean, I’m built like a tank, and I took a semester of ballet in college, and it really amped up my balance and coordination. (Just one of those things.) Are we to think Bella has, maybe-kinda, besides her terminal case of Mary Sue-itis, some kind of degenerative nerve disorder….? That actually might add something to the plot (or add plot, period): she wants THE CHANGE ’cause she has MS or something.

    But I know that’s not to be. Never mind. Having way too much fun reading these sum-ups….!

    • My goodness. Her having a degenerative nerve disease and wanting to be bitten just to stop the constant pain would have been REALLY INTERESTING.

      But nope she just falls down a lot, because Stephenie knows characters have to have flaws, and hey, clumsy is a flaw, right?

      • as a person with a degenerative nerve condition and constant chronic HIGH sharp pain –

        i would not be a trad vampire. would NOT want to be evil. if there was a way to be a vampire without being evil, though…

  13. Keyaroscuro Says:

    I shall come up with a plausible, pathetic excuse worthy of SMeyer to explain WHY IN THE WORLD James got the idea of using home videos.

    Bella’s mom is such a nutcase that she wanted to feel closer to her daughter, so she pulled out all of the home videos and watched them and then conveniently left them all over the living room (remember, Bella’s mom is apparently unable to take care of herself, and that apparently includes having a major case of ADD; I think she forgot what she was doing and wandered off to get a cat). James comes waltzing in, goes “Omg nao wut” and sees the videos and was like HEY I HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO. I’M JUST RUNNING AWAY FROM A WHOLE PACK OF VAMPIREs WHILE HUNTING A PATHETIC, UNINTERESTING HUMAN and he sits down and has a home movie marathon to “get to know his prey better.” During which he discovers that Bella really is as stupid as a brick and then the plot could have ended right there when he realizes that she JUST ISN’T EFFIN WORTH IT.

    But no, apparently he figured that the home videos were so pathetic he was going to lure the video’s star to her death because after watching several hours of her he just couldn’t stand her living any longer. And while he’s at it, he may as well make his own home video to make up for it!

    And that, my friends, is how this entire chapter came to be.

  14. “It’s amazing — some of you seem to have no sense of your own self-interest at all.”

    And I almost die laughing. STOP GIVING US A BAD NAME, BITCH!

    Ok. Ok. Does Smeyer only read books/watch movies (the latter being far more likely) where the villain, upon the cusp of success, proceeds to deliver a monologue about his clever plan succeeding? Is this not a tired thing by now? Does she not understand subtlety? Does she think the audience could not tolerate not knowing? Aaaarrrrggggghhhh.

    Speaking of not knowing. Look, everything wraps up all nice and neat with Alice. While I love Alice’s little back story, am I the only one totally repulsed by how it was revealed to us?

  15. Sharkpire = Best portmanteau ever.

  16. Alice=weatherman for the future.
    Stephenie Meyer=monkeys with typewriters.


    by the way, i really think you should do a movie review. it would probably be the most helpful review anyone has ever written, not to mention hysterical.

  17. I hate all of you.

    And now I am equally hated.

    THE WORLD REVOLVES *kermit flail*

  18. Gotta love the “yes, I’m comparing Stephenie Meyer to a million monkeys with typewriters”!
    …I wouldn’t be surprised if Meyer was just an alias for a monkey with a typewriter. Meyer, monkey…
    It’s just too easy to compare her to apes!

  19. to catch the WoD reference.

    OK, so if vamps have to beat a frenzy check in order to NOT go on a vampage every time they see blood, how was Edward totally chill in the nurse’s office? I know he’s a meatatarian and all, but how would he not even NOTICE some kid’s tell-tale Band-Aid? There’s always someone with a scraped up knee or something in the nurse’s office, right? Or at least, THERE SHOULD BE, if you’re writing a BOOK about VAMPIRES who GO NUTS AT THE SIGHT OF BLOOD. But no, that would create tension.

    Come to think of it, how did Edward make it through PhysEd with all those frenzy checks? In WoD:VtM, nobody is good enough to pass their frenzy check every single time. Plus, I’m sure that somewhere between his violent temper, his superhuman strength, and his freaking sparkles (talk about a reason for a pretty-boy to get picked on even harder by the jocks), he would’ve caved in someone’s skull and shit would’ve gotten serious.

    But then, why the fuck was he in high school to begin with? I know he’s perpetually 17, but does that mean he stays in senior year forever? Cause people would probably start to notice that he’s been in a graduating class every year without graduating or aging for SEVERAL DECADES. Unless he’s been going to high school to meet hot young teens, in which case, since he’s like 100 years old, he needs to have a talk with Chris Hanson. Between abuse and ephebophilia, Smeyer’s idea of the Perfect Man is creepy as fuck, and it horrifies me that young girls are smitten with this character. Twilight has set feminism back about 100 years. (“He only kidnaps me and makes me lie to my family because he loves me so much! They just wouldn’t understand!”)

  20. The worst part is that there’s barely ever another mention of Alice’s past in THE ENTIRE SERIES.

  21. Poornima Says:

    I KNOW!!!
    James’ super special manpire power is skimming through home videos(or any videos, for that matter) quickly! :D

  22. since someone else commented [so now i have this forum’s address again,. yay new computer?] i thought i’d leave you this:
    what this?

    this is a version of the twilight story THAT MAKES SENSE AND KICKS SO MUCH ASS I NOW *LIKE* BELLA.
    admittedly, this is because Bella is THE big difference, here; we get a Bella who is actually almost everything Smeyer showed but didn’t tell [WITHOUT SUE-DOM] with one specific, incredibly redeeming difference.

    THIS Bella *THINKS* she CARES what she thinks, she doesn’t lie to herself. and she never freaking ONCE is stupid in the way that Smeyer’s Bella is. she DOES do stupid things, but not just because *TENSION* is somehow BAD.
    [biggest, easiest, most non-important spoiler: Edward first smells Bella, does the evil “OMG you tasty cheeseburger I HATE YOU!!111!!!” face, the next day Bella changes lab partners. then it GETS BETTER. NO stalker-Edward ever happens. period.]

  23. I like Alice’s backstory- but I’m wondering if she has post traumatic stress disorder and that’s why she “forgot” her human life. I’m more convinced that her amnesia is more of a coping mechanism than something that all vamps do over time.

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