Chapter Twenty, I think the plot was a lie

ADVERB COUNT: 36. Come to think of it, Edward wasn’t in this chapter…

This chapter is called “Impatience,” which I’d say is fairly fitting. I’m impatient with how stupid the main character is. I’m impatient that the entirety of this chapter is set in a hotel room where basically nothing happens. I’m impatient that this book isn’t already over.

Bella comes to in a hotel room. Did Edward finally slip her a roofie and–oh wait, no, that’s right, she came up with a stupid plan. Let’s flashback!

Team Get-the-Crazy-Bitch-the-Hell-Out-Of-Town drives like maniacs. I’m not sure how they can pull off going twice the speed limit when neither of the drivers are psychic. Scratch that, I’m fairly certain Jasper is driving since Bella is sitting next to Alice. Women don’t drive in House Cullen.

In the midst of Bella’s angsting, she observes that with how freaking fast they were going, she shouldn’t be surprised that they made a three-day trip in just one. Stephenie, Google maps. Google maps, Stephenie. A vampire driving twice the speed limit, never stopping to eat, sleep, or fill up the car, would make it there in 12 hours. Otherwise, making this trip in three days would require driving for only eight hours a day, like some kind of sissy. And you’re not a sissy, are you?

So they’re in a hotel room. Alice and Jasper stare at the TV without watching it. Bella takes turns angsting, moping, eating, and sleeping. We’re all waiting with bated breath for Carlisle’s “ok we killed him lol” call.

During all of this incredibly interesting hotel room action, Bella asks Alice what it takes to become a vampire. Alice hrms about that, saying that Edward wanted her not to say. Edward probably knew that Bella would jump on the first bus to Vampiretown as soon as she could guess how to buy a ticket. Alice relents, because Bella asserts that she has a right to know (I’m not really sure how she figured that), and we are treated to a short dissertation on how vampires are venomous.

“The venom doesn’t kill–it’s merely incapacitating. It works slowly, spreading through the bloodstream, so that, once bitten, our prey is in too much physical pain to escape us.”

1. The venom doesn’t kill… except to make you a FRIGGING VAMPIRE of course.

2. Right, because the only response anything ever has to pain is to lie there and let something eat them. Pain isn’t a motivator or anything.

“It takes a few days for the transformation to be complete, depending on how much venom is in the  bloodstream, how close the venom enters to the heart. As long as the heart keeps beating, the poison spreads, healing, changing the body as it moves through it. Eventually the heart stops, and the conversion is finished. But all that time, every minute of it, a victim would be wishing for death.”

But Carlisle SAAVVEED THEEMMMM!!!1

So Edward, and then Esme, were in the hospital, not dying of an intensely painful poison… for three days. And nobody noticed? Nobody caught on? Or are you going to tell me Carlisle dragged them home for the transformation, and nobody noticed him dragging that pretty dead woman with the dead baby out of the morgue?

Alice suddenly has a vision of Bella’s childhood ballet studio. Oh wow! Something less boring happened to break the already intensely boring narrative! Who had the bright idea of enrolling Bella in a dance class as a child? Is this where she suffered the head injury that led to her crippling inner-ear disorder?

Alice says this means the tracker’s plans have changed, and he’s going to end up eluding Team Kill-Jerkoff. JUST THEN, the phone rings. Carlisle confirms everything Alice just said. So she’s not really handy so much as repetitive.

Anyway, Carlisle gives the phone to Edward and Alice gives the phone to Bella. They manage to keep from gushing all over each other long enough for Edward to mention that the red-haired woman (Victoria) was trolling around Forks, at Bella’s house, the airport, and her school, trying to dig up dirt. Nobody’s hurt though, because that would cause tension. Edward finally hangs up and Bella gets all stupid depressed again.

The ballet studio Bella went to is just down the street from her mom’s house, and suddenly she’s all concerned that the vampire-woman was able to get a hold of her school records. Because Forks is a singularly stupid small town and would certainly give Bella’s records to a crazy red-headed hippy with leaves in her hair. So Bella calls Mom from Alice’s cell, leaving a message to call her back. And uh.. then the vampires stare at the TV some more, and Bella falls asleep, because apparently not even she can take much more of this.

Something had better start actually happening here soon. James, I’m counting on you to kill this little twit.

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14 Responses to “Chapter Twenty, I think the plot was a lie”

  1. Mirthstrike Says:

    It took me three tries to *not* read that as “Team-kill Jerkoff.”

  2. James is my hero. If only he had eaten that *Swears in Chinese*

    • But then we wouldn’t have three more books of her idiocy!
      At least we get Alice being awesome in the movie, what with the head-into-bottlecapping she was doing.

      Also, yay Firefly.

  3. Yeah, the poison doesn’t kill…..it just makes your heart stop beating and turns you into a creature that is living death? Also, what is with all the “human moments”? Does S. Meyer think that people aren’t going to figure out that Bella is taking a crap and that no matter what, Edward can hear her doing so…because he hearing is ultra good?! Ugh, gross.

  4. “Alice suddenly has a vision of Bella’s childhood ballet studio. Oh wow! Something less boring happened to break the already intensely boring narrative! Who had the bright idea of enrolling Bella in a dance class as a child? Is this where she suffered the head injury that led to her crippling inner-ear disorder?”

    I LOVE THIS! I can just hear the sarcasm in the text! I laughed so hard I actually buckled over a bit.. and after 10 minutes I’m still chuckling each time I think about it.

  5. “Because Forks is a singularly stupid small town and would certainly give Bella’s records to a crazy red-headed hippy with leaves in her hair.”

    LOLOL!

  6. He he, I love how the gaping plot holes.

    I also love how Bella gets bored in her own book.

  7. Well, to be fair, it was in the middle of an epidemic. People were too busy trying not to catch to notice one body, amongst all the other bodies, going missing.

    How he got Esme, I have no idea. She was pregnant, so, no doubt she had a husband, and that means family. They would have wanted to lay her to rest, so she wouldn’t….oh, you know, walk the Earth as the living dead, or burn in the fires of damnation for eternity.

    Maybe someone was like…”Oh, you’re taking the body? Well…she is pretty….. I didn’t see a thing.”

  8. I totally just had an epiphany — Bella’s a necrophiliac. Seriously, “You’re cold, dead, heartless body is so sexy, Edward. Now I’m going to cry until you do me.”

  9. Edward is a *every Bengali swear word ever created*

  10. […] (flashback clip to when I first read the hotel sequence) […]

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