Chapter Nineteen

ADVERB COUNT: 48. Now I know these chapters must have been tacked on–these were written after somone told her to lay off the damn adverbs.

Did I say plot was happening?

Because it’s taking forever to actually… you know, happen.

Bella is driven home. Edward reminds her, again, that she has FIFTEEN MINUTES. She kisses him and says “Don’t listen to another word I say tonight!” Way ahead of you there, Bells.

She runs inside, screaming for Edward to go away. Her dad Charlie is understandably confused and worried. She continues to scream at him as she runs upstairs, finding time in her rage and angst to say that she broke up with Edward because she likes him too much. Edward, meanwhile, is helping her pack, because apparently he didn’t think she could do this in fifteen minutes afterall.

Charlie is trying to calm her down and tell her she can’t go to Phoenix, her mom isn’t actually there right now. Bella finally pulls out the big guns and says to him what her mother said when she walked out all those years ago.

It’s funny, when Bella does something incredibly stupid or mean (flirting with Jacob to get info out of him, taking cold medicine to sleep better, purposefully hurting her father,) we are treated to a few sentences about how bad she feels and how she’d never do something like this, and yet… look, I have three examples of what a bitch she is just off the top of my head.

Charlie, of course, is stunned and hurt. Bella finally escapes into her truck, crying. Edward appears in the passenger seat and, guess what, demands to drive. Bella tells him no, she’s fine to drive, so he does what any man does, and wrenches her out of the driver seat so he can sit there.

I just… wow. Really?

Edward drives Bella’s truck to Chez Cullen, Alice and Emmett following behind. The tracker heard all of Bella’s shrieked exposition, luckily enough. If he hadn’t, there would be tension in this book, and we certainly can’t have that. He follows them (so Edward says) back to the house.

Along the way, Edward shows that he’s also a psychoanalyst, explaining that James lives for the hunt, the more challenges they throw in his way the more euphoric he gets, if Edward hadn’t protected Bella there wouldn’t be the thrill of the hunt, blah blah blah. How convenient that an enemy like this happened to show up six chapters before the end of the book, so Edward can show just how devoted he is to Bella. Yawn.

On second thought, that means we might actually get some action in this snorefest. I’m fed up with caresses and “you hang up first.”

Emmett carries Bella into the house. Laurent is up there, and apologetic that James is tracking the cheeseburger. He had a feeling this would happen. He also cautions everyone against actually fighting James. James is really strong, you guys, super strong, and really deadly and everything. That’s why Laurent joined his coven. PSYCHE! You thought Laurent was the leader! OH MAN. What a twist, Stephenie, I’m so satisfied with this plot!

Laurent asks if Bella is really worth all this trouble. I’m liking this guy more and more.

Edward orders Rosalie to change clothes with Bella. Rosalie stands up to him, saying that Bella’s just a useless casserole that’s gotten them all in trouble. Bella watches Edward, wondering what his temper will make him do. Yes, it’s just as dispassionate as that. “Hmm, is he going to hit his sister?”

Because she dared to defy his manlogic, Edward ignores everything Rosalie says, turns to Esme, and asks her the same thing. Esme, a good, obedient woman, does what Edward asks and carries Bella upstairs. When they swap, she and Alice carry her back down. What, now Bella’s not allowed to walk anymore?

The gang splits up into Team Fake-out (Rosalie and Esme), Team Hunt-Jerkoff (Edward, Emmett, and Carlisle), and Team Get-the-Crazy-Bitch-the-Hell-Out-Of-Town (Alice and Jasper). Alice asks Bella if it’s all right that they carry her to the car.

..Well, at least she asks.

They take the tinted car to Phoenix.

Would somebody please get eaten already?

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17 Responses to “Chapter Nineteen”

  1. Y’know, after seeing that the Bella Like-o-Meter broke (it would likely be far into the negatives by now), I thought you ought to have an Edward Creep-o-Meter. You need something to give a quick idea of just how much of a mysogynistic freak this hunka hunka frozen stalker is.

    Trouble is, the moment that hits 10, something will happen later to top it.

    Meanwhile, Bella has completely destroyed her chances at getting help from her dad, has no chance of getting help from mom if she isn’t there, and left them and her friends to go join Cult Cullen.

    No, really, that’s what it looks like at this point. A cult. One of those ones with the purple sheets and everything. This comes complete with the “weak woman initiate cannot drive! Me manpire, me drive! *manhandles the poor crazy idiot*”

    I bet the only thing keeping this book from hitting the wall is its sheer weight. I’ve seen these things. If I chucked it at the wall, it’d probably barely make a dent in the book. Where’s the satisfaction in that?

    • My God, it’s huge. And full of nothing.

      • Wait… which, the book, or the comment? … you can’t reply past this level, can you.

        Either way… *whistles* I got carried away there, didn’t I? Just snip out the third and fourth paragraphs in your head, I guess.

      • I meant the book, lol. If I had a problem with your comment, I would be far more forthcoming!

      • Android 21 3/7 Says:

        You mean like a balloon?

      • Okay, you know back in Fellowship when Frodo drops the ring and it doesn’t bounce? It just goes ‘KA-DUNK’ and lays there because it’s so full of evil?

        A similar effect can be observed when dropping a book written by Stephenie Meyer.

  2. I second the idea of the Edward Creep-o-Meter, maybe it could be a 1 to 100 scale?

    1 being a mature adult and 100 being something so completely voyeuristic and sadistic that it blows your mind.

    • I will probably have to throw that in with the next books, considering I’m into these just swell Bella Tries to Be a Hero But Fails Because She is a Weak Woman and Needs Edward to Save Her chapters.

  3. Thirding the Edward Creep-o-Meter idea. Perhaps we can define creepiness in terms of Edward. “Oh man that guy just pegged a 0.8 on the Edwardometer.” Hooray for neologisms! SCIENCE!

    Also, Rifftrax has done the Twilight movie, in case you feel the need to go that far in the name of masochism being thorough.

  4. Wtf, did I miss why everyone’s carrying Bella? Did she break her toe or something?

  5. I like The Eddie Creep-o-meter idea. But I doubt many REAL guys can get higher then a 30 where as Edward often hits the upper 80’s.

  6. Katie Cole Says:

    I think the only reason that this book did so well, besides the fact that middle aged women and tweens don’t know good literature if it hit them in the face, is the whole SMeyer ‘I saw it in a dream and then had to write a book all about it’ thing. Sound like someone else you know? *coughJKRcoughcough*

    Hey,maybe I should try that!

  7. I’m with you. My coworker and my step daughter gushed and gushed about this series until I finally picked it up. I never got past the halfway mark because no one died. It’s a vampire novel and NO ONE DIED.

    Instead I get a bloodthirsty fairy (come on, he *sparkles*) who gets swooned over by this vapid airhead who can’t seem to walk thirty feet without nearly killing herself. Puhleeze.

    That said, I love your site. Thank you for recapping these “books” so that I can get a laugh out of them without killing my brain cells.

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