Chapter Seventeen is the American pasttime

My mother is now harassing me for timely, vampirely updates.

Sorry, Mom! Here’s a chapter! Don’t ground me from reading Twilight :(

ADVERB COUNT: 75. At the end of this stinkfest, I’m going to add up all the adverbs, and then try to assemble some statistics. I wonder how many pages there are of only adverbs in this thing.

Edward drives Bella home so she can change. But wait! The injuns Quileute family is waiting at her house! What, did they come just to guilt her for associating with vampires? Edward says he’ll be back so Bella can introduce him to her father Charlie, which irritates her to no end–but of course, she doesn’t try to stop him. I guess she couldn’t, could she? There’s so much potential for abuse here, I could–

Oh, wait! I’m reading “Twilight.”

Bella kisses Edward goodbye and meets Jacob and Billy on her front porch. Billy looks furious and Jacob is.. wet. It’s raining cats and dogs, like it never does in Washington. Look, folks, Washington gets a lot of rain, right, but not all at once. Our “rainstorms” cause maybe 0.8 of an inch–just ask The Weather Channel. If you want a real rainstorm, visit the East coast some time. I digress.

Billy is all suspicious and angry and came by just to drop off some fish fry. Right. Bella quickly makes something up about how her father is fishing, but not in his usual place, so don’t try to go find him there and tell him that his daughter is dating a blood-sucking monster. Billy finds a way to get Jake out of the house so he can harangue Bella properly. Bella not-so-politely hints that maybe everyone should get the hell out of her home.

Old Indian isn’t taking any of that. He mentions that she’s been spending a lot of time with the Cullens, and says “Maybe it’s none of my business, but I don’t think that is such a good idea.” Bella does the second smart thing she has done in almost 400 pages and tells him he’s right, it is none of his business. They argue back and forth, wherein Old Indian tries to scare her, and suggests he’s going to tell Charlie, and Bella stands her ground, insisting that it’s none of Billy’s business who she’s seeing, and it’s certainly not any of his business whether she tells Charlie or not. He finally gets the freaking hint, and leaves when Jacob comes back from his Convenient Excuse to Get Him Out of the Conversation.

Bella’s all “UGH people caring about me I HATE THAT,” and heads upstairs to change. Stephenie is sure we want to know the intimate details of what she’s going to wear, but I will spare you, in my infinite compassion.

Jessica calls her. Who? Oh, right, her mortal friend. The one we haven’t heard about in over 130 pages. Jessica has stupid boring mortal things to talk about. Not even Bella pretends to care. She gets her off the phone when she hears her father Charlie coming home, and prepares for the most awkward dating ritual of any teen’s life–introducing the parents.

She broaches the subject gently, informing him that she was at the Cullens’ house, and she has a sort-of date with Edward tonight. Charlie nearly has a stroke, roaring about how Edwin is far too old for her. Oh, dad, it’s EDWARD, and they’re both juniors! Silly fathers who don’t pay any attention to their daughters’ lives. Charlie asks her all the usual questions (“Is he your boyfriend? Where is taking you? How long will you be out?”) which brings a lot of sighing, groaning, and eye-rolling from Bella. Good Lord, I hate teenagers.

Edward knocks at the door, standing in a “halo” of porch light, “looking like a male model in an advertisement for raincoats.” Barf barf barf. Charlie manages to resist falling deeply in love with this exquisite creature and invites him in.

“So I hear you’re getting my girl to watch baseball.” Only in Washington would the fact that is was raining buckets have no bearing at all on the playing of outdoor sports.

Uh, actually, that does stop us, from doing a lot of things. It doesn’t “rain buckets” here. It drizzles, it sprinkles, it flat-out rains, and sometimes, sometimes, it pours, and you know what happens then? Everyone stays the hell inside.

So this stunningly beautiful man his daughter has been attempting to hide from him is taking his daughter out to watch a game she has no interest in, out in the middle of nowhere, in the rain.

Of course the cop is completely okay with this. He actually makes some comment about “more power to you” for getting Bella interested in baseball. I’m going to go hit my head against the wall for a little bit. Bella stalks out, totally angry that they’re making jokes about her, UGH I HATE MEN.

Edward brought the jeep. Bella attempts to put on the off-roading harness herself, but since she is a weak, stupid woman, Edward has to help her. He uses this excuse to “linger at her neck” and “brush along her collarbones,” which, of course, makes Bella hyperventilate. Saints preserve us. If they ever had sex, all he’d have to do is stand there naked and she’d climax more times than there are adverbs in this chapter.

Edward hints that they’re going to have to “run” part of the way there, which immediately makes Bella nauseous. Last time he did the Superman Run she nearly passed out. He brushes off her concern, and off they go.

For a long while conversation was impossible, because I was bouncing up and down on the seat like a jackhammer. He seemed to enjoy the ride, though, smiling hugely the whole way.

…I know why he’s smiling and it has nothing to do with the ride. Bella, hypothetical question, how much support would you say your bra gives you…?

The jeep stops, and it’s time for Superman Run. Edward thoughtfully unbuckles her harness for her, like she’s an infant being released from a child seat. Bella flat out refuses to Superman Run it, she remembers what happened last time he did that. Edward replies that he’ll just have to “tamper” with her memory.

What follows is one of the sickest scenes in the book yet. Bella told Edward “no,” so he seduces her into changing her mind. I wish I were exaggerating. He braces her against the Jeep so she can’t escape (even Stephenie describes it this way,) kisses her all over and breathes on her a lot (go go gadget aphrodisiac breath!) all the while asking her if she still doesn’t want to do it. Bella buckles and relents to letting him carry her the rest of the way.

This is incredibly disgusting. I can’t believe a woman would write this scene and continue to bill her novel as a sweet, timeless romance. I can’t believe other women are reading this and sighing in pleasure. Ladies, this is abuse. What else is he going to convince her to do later?

No, don’t tell me. I’ll read it.

Edward kisses her, and Bella, being a teenage girl in love, wraps her arms around him and kisses him back. This is a major no-no in their relationship, because if she moves while he kisses her he might be pushed over the edge. She is supposed to stand completely motionless while lip-locked. He jumps back from her, complete with a “Damn it, Bella!” and is now angry with her.

Oh. My. God.

He’s angry with her for the rest of the run. He’s even too angry to laugh at first when she falls on her ass trying to dismount him (…lol). She gets angry at him when he finally does laugh.

“Don’t be mad, I couldn’t help myself. You should have seen your face.” He chuckled before he could stop himself.

“Oh, you’re the only one who’s allowed to get mad?” I asked, raising my eyebrows.”


“I wasn’t mad at you.”

“‘Bella, you’ll be the death of me’?” I quoted sourly.

That was simply a statement of fact.”

… “You were mad,” I insisted.”


“But you just said–”

“That I wasn’t mad at you.”

Oh Lord. Edward makes up some bull about how he’s just mad at himself because he can’t seem to stop from putting her in danger. He diffuses her anger by turning the situation towards pitying him, continuing with “Sometimes I truly hate myself. I should be stronger…” Poooooor murderer.

“I love you,” he said. “It’s a poor excuse for what I’m doing, but it’s still true. … Now, please try to behave yourself,” he continued, and he bent to softly brush his lips against mine.

I held properly still. Then I sighed.

God, I just can’t believe poison like this is being paid for. He loves her, ladies, don’t you see that? He can do anything he wants to her because he loves her, and that makes it all okay.

We finally get to the STUPID BASEBALL GAME. It’s in a huge field. The bases are incredibly far apart. The kids run off to play, leaving Bella with mama Esme, who I actually sort of like in spite of myself.

Bella says Esme reminds her of her own mother, to which Esme replies that she really does think of the vamps as her own children. She mentions that she had her own baby once, but he died a few days after birth, so she threw herself from a cliff.

A-ha! I knew it. So Carlisle found a woman lost to grief who just simply wanted to die, and… made her immortal so she would live with her grief forever and ever, constantly looking for the baby she lost in the twisted children Carlisle brings home to her.

I love this family.

Bella asks if Esme minds that Edward is dating a cheeseburger, and Esme says “No, you’re what he wants. It will work out, somehow,” and manages to look worried. Uh, guys, why don’t you just get Carl to bite her? One, there’s no downside to being a vampire whatsoever, and two, Carl is just messed up enough to do it.

The game starts like a fight in Dragon Ball Z — everything is simply too fast to see, so we’re treated to frames of swooshes, slashes, and vague striking lines in lieu of actual characters interacting. Alice throws so fast you can’t see a ball. Emmett hits it so fast you can’t see it fly. And the impact is so loud that it sounds exactly like the thunder pealing overhead.

Yes, that’s why they can only play during a thunderstorm. I’d like to note that neither the ball nor the bat are harmed during this, at all. They are playing with spent uranium equipment, I guess. Also, apparently when two vampires collide, it also sounds like thunder. I’m… not really sure of the reason for this. I guess vampires are also made of spent uranium.

Edward comes up to ask Bella what she thinks of the game.

“I am a little disappointed,” I teased.

“Why?” he asked, puzzled.

“Well, it would be nice if I could find just one thing you didn’t do better than everyone else on the planet.”

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why Edward is so. incredibly. boring.

The game continues. It’s starting to sink into my mind that I am reading about super-powered sparkling vampires who play baseball in the rain and how incredibly stupid this book has become, when suddenly… plot happens.

Alice gasps, she sees the other vampires coming towards them. Edward cusses, because he can read their minds and know that they want to play too. Everyone panics, wondering what to do to protect the little girl soufflé they brought with them. Carlisle finally decides that they will continue with the game, since it seems like the other vampires are just curious and want to know what’s going on.

Bella is ordered around for a while, as everyone attempts to disguise her and her smell. Edward gets all mad at himself for putting her in danger, oh man won’t somebody pity the poor brooding people-eater. Esme asks Edward something, which he later clarifies was “Are they thirsty?”

Don’t worry, because they’re not.

That would be way too tense for this book.

37 Responses to “Chapter Seventeen is the American pasttime”

  1. She can do research on Quileute myth, but doesn’t know that it rarely pours in Washington. Somehow, she doesn’t know you stop for heavy downpours… I hope she never writes anything set in Maine. She’d probably convince the Twi-Moms that we all drive around in blizzards.

    I wonder at how a book can be so boring, and yet so incredibly creepy at the same time. Everything you’ve mentioned Edward doing just freaks me the hell out. Women aren’t weak things to be treated like babies! Mind control is not romantic, it’s controlling beyond words! It’s got it right in the name! Come on!

    And… it’s… written by a woman… read by women… loved by women… it… I…

    asfdjwoeiwnrkwl — *growls incoherently*

    • Girls like being treated like crap. It’s a fact of life.

      • Magistrate of Mediocrety Says:

        Oh sweet merciful heavens. I really can’t believe how misogynistic the themes in this book are. This chapter especially. Mind control? Really? Edward is the classic abusive. . . significant other; sudden bursts of rage followed but “I’m so sorry. I only hurt you ’cause I’m flawed. You know I love you. Never leave me or I’ll kill you, you ungrateful whore.”

        It’s kind of like watching the deleted scenes of Law and Order: SVU. . . but with more sparkles. I’m seriously concerned for the young girls who are reading this abomination and find it romantic.

    • Millen Kyles (Hah!) Says:

      Also, recall that this is written by a hardcore Mormon woman (today’s use of the word “hardcore” is brought to you by Irony). While I have no serious problems with individual Mormons, the religion as a whole (as well as many Christians who hype the Book of Paul) tends to be a bit… Misogynistic.

      Men can have several wives, after all (including underage ones), but women are… Advised not to seek any sort of parity on that score.

      • Hey, can we quit the Mormon bashing? You can bash SMeyer all you want, but it’s not fair to judge the entire religion based on her.

        …plus your info is kiiinda wrong.

      • I have had bad experiences with Mormons.

        Just like I have had bad experiences with Mexican food.

        I approach both with cautious optimism.

      • Moonshade Says:

        Yeah, this is definitely nothing to do with the religion whatsoever. Meyer is a bad writer because she’s a whiny kid who never grew up and apparently has never heard of I honestly think that she doesn’t realize how misogynistic this crap is, because it’s all over the place. And I’m not talking about Utah. I’m talking about the western-freakin-world.

        I mean, seriously. How many main characters do you see in movies that aren’t usually busty broads? How many times do you hear a news story about a woman who 1) isn’t a sex object or 2) didn’t just do something ridiculously stupid? The idea of women being intelligent and independent only managed to worm its way into pop culture in the past ten or fifteen years, and you still can’t find a good heroine who isn’t a D-cup and needs to be rescued at least once.

        • Carolyn Says:

          I can name at least one — Buffy Summers. Which is also a story, incidentally, about vampires and forces of darkness, but it’s done MUCH, MUCH better.

          That being said, you do make several good points. Which is depressing (that they’re good points, not that you made them).

        • I don’t know that the western world has a corner on the market when it comes to misogyny.

          And, also Zoe! (Yay Joss!)

        • CrabOfDoom Says:

          I’m struck by the suspicion that if SM *had* uploaded this to, she’d have far more people telling her to give it up and/or stick to her day job. Must’ve been a slow week at the publisher’s when this cow flop landed on the desk (Kind of gives me hope that anyone can get published, really.)

      • I just thought I’d put everyone’s mind at ease. I’m Mormon. No, my dad is not a polygamist (neither is any other Mormon I’ve ever met, polygamy was outlawed in the 1800’s.) All that aside, I think SMeyer’s book is a piece of junk. I hate that her religion is being associated with this crap, though. Believe me, she offends me quite often with my feminist sensibilities as well as my Mormon ones. I think most of the leaders of my church would say the way Edward treats Bella is a harmful one.

        Also, just a little test for you all: Were she to have been a Jewish or Protestant would her religion have even been a factor for you in judging the suckiness of her novel?

        I love Orson Scott Card and Shannon Hale, and they’re both good authors who happen to be Mormon. I’d just say it’s best to call her out as an over-hyped harlequin author and be done with it.

        I’ve been loving reading this blog, though. It’s had me laughing like crazy. Keep it coming! As I’ve said before, your analysis of Breaking Dawn is going to be epic.

        • If she were Jewish or Protestant or Wiccan or Buddhist or whatever, and was still insidiously pushing her misinterpretation of the religion’s values in her writing, you bet your ass I’d include it as a factor, lol.

          To be fair, I think all religions are equally silly. I happen to have more experience with bad Mormons, so it only looks like I’m purely anti-Mormon. Some of my best friends are Mormon, I swear!

          I’m also more than okay with just saying she’s a bad freaking writer without bringing her religion into it. I actually was calling for people to lay off the religion-bashing waaaaay before I started this blog–I honestly believe that what someone does or doesn’t worship should not be brought into situations where they have no bearing. The problem is that she brought the religion, by saturating her writing with the weirdest interpretations of Christian/Mormon values I’ve seen in a while.

          So unfortunately, I include it. Which, unfortunately, has led to some tragic comments.

          And I love that everyone keeps warning me about Breaking Dawn LOL I wonder if I shouldn’t have just started with that.

          • Well, mainly I was directing my comment at whoever it was that mentioned polygamy, but, anyhoozle. While suffering through the books, I only got a few hunches that she was bringing her religion into it. Honestly, growing up learning all about Mormonism, I gotta say, half the stuff people try to link this to in the book are really stretching it in my opinion. I mean, that’s not to say the lack of sex, swearing, drugs, etc., isn’t a major giveaway.

            That being said, I think most of the Mormon women I know would call the cops immediately if in Bella’s situation and tell such a stalking werido to get a life or we’d unleash our self defense skills we learned in our church mutual groups on him. Take that hyper-possessive pretty boy.

            • I’m a non-Mormon, and you have my sympathies. Were SM a Methodist, and people thinking the themes in her books somehow were definitive of Methodism, I’d be livid.

    • SHe would probably tell people that everyone in California is rich or famous and walks around all year in shorts and tank tops.

    • soranomukou Says:

      I don’t know how those Canadians get a connection up in their igloo, nor how they have enough time to be on the internet between their whale hunting and cooking their blubber to eat.

  2. Stephanie, Stephanie, Stephanie. The reason that Dragon Ball Z has Zwee Fighting is because it’s cheaper to animate. BOOKS DO NOT HAVE THIS PROBLEM.

    Also, every time I think this book has reached the utter zenith of creepiness, Edward mindwhammies Menchi, er, Bella in some new and awful way. I have a co-worker who eats this crap up, and if she brings it up again I am really going to have to ask her what precisely she finds romantic about emotional abuse.

  3. urghleblurgle yuck. *shudder* I can’t believe a scene like that’s in a book targeted for young girls.

    My little sister has told me she likes Twilight because it’s got Twu Wuv in it (she fully admits it’s poorly written, at least she’s not that far gone) but uh.. I think I should go have a talk with her. :|
    If you don’t talk to your sisters about creepy possessive undead boyfriends, who will?

    • Moonshade Says:

      I’m a teacher, actually, and I frequently rant on this stuff. My students (male and female alike) have all been duly informed that if any person ever treats them this way, you have a set directive that MUST be followed:

      1) slap ’em
      2) dump ’em
      3) get a restraining order

      I also voice my belief that no body should be wandering in dark alleys/city streets alone at night with anything less than pepper spray in their hands at all times.

    • I used to love Twilight for the true love but my friends sent me this link and I finally see the stupidity and abuse. You should never be in an abusive relationship it’s dangerous just look at what happens to Bella.

  4. As a side note, in three years on the olympic peninsula, I was in several damaging windstorms but no thunderstorms.

    • We get like MAYBE a one year up north near Canada.

      • Note:

        It’s so very hard getting a connection in my
        two bedroom igloo, so i got the sled team out, and we managed to run all the way to the american border
        where civilization magically occurrs.
        somehow, the way she portrays Forks is similar to how
        people sometimes portray Canada.
        But one thing is true: It is fucking COLD here (-45C in the winter where I live, sometimes), and we
        get some nasty fucking weather.

  5. I love how the same women who would scream against this shit in real life eat it up like candy if it’s in a book.

    Ugh. Edward makes my freaking skin crawl.

    • Moonshade Says:

      Have you ever picked up a romance novel? Watched a Soap? It’s not that uncommon.

      • But rarely are Harlequin romances New York Times bestsellers. I don’t see English teachers pushing and supporting “The Greek Billionaire’s Purchased Wife” as the best possible literature for teenage girls. Soaps aren’t often praised loudly for their realistic characters.

        I guess what I’m saying is that if Twilight were just another 2.50 vampire romance on the paperback shelf at Target I wouldn’t be so angry about the whole thing, lol.

  6. Wow, I missed this part in my skimming-scanning of the book after chapter 4 (or was it 5?). It does explain why Bella never moves when he kisses her, I had chalked it up to another reason why Bella (and Edward) are really pieces of wood in disguise.

    …But ordering her not to move and getting angry when she does and then her obediently listening to him AND THEN SIGHING is just so creepy it made my skin crawl.

  7. Kensuke Says:

    “Edward replies that he’ll just have to “tamper” with her memory.

    What follows is one of the sickest scenes in the book yet. Bella told Edward “no,” so he seduces her into changing her mind.”
    I read this book after reading the Dresden Files by Jim Butcher. I kept expecting a bunch of wizards to pop out of the Nevernever, blast Edward, and decapitate him for illegal mind altering magic. This is what I get for throwing bad writing after good.

    • IHateTwilight Says:

      I honestly didn’t really see the creepyness in this series until the later books…like the next one, or the third one at least. But when it’s all out on a blog like this I can’t believe I misses it. What was I thinking?!?! It’s all making my stomach hurt.

  8. So on a less serious note.. vampires and baseball? Did she come to this conclusion because the game has bats in it? Seriously.

    Well I guess, who needs and umpire when you have a vampire?

    Strike 1 ah ah ah
    Strike 2 ah ah ah..

    Universally more entertaining.

  9. Sarcasmfeeder Says:

    I hate Edward. How’d he end up with such a cool family?

    Yes, baseball. Good scene in the movie, kinda cool in the book, but I agree with oddbit. Bats? Brilliant. Ah ah ah

  10. OliviaElaine Says:

    Okay so 1. You’re blog is fantastic [:
    and 2. You are totally right about the east coast and downpours. We are having one right now as a matter of fact. And it’s mixed with, you guessed it, A THUNDERSTORM.

    Who knows…maybe a bunch of vampires are around me and THAT is what’s really happening.

  11. It’s so completely, “I didn’t mean to hit you, baby, it’s just that you make me so ANGRY sometimes…”

  12. “If you want a real rainstorm, visit the East coast some time.”

    True fact.

  13. “If they ever had sex, all he’d have to do is stand there naked and she’d climax more times than there are adverbs in this chapter.”

    This completely off topic to what everyone was saying but omfg I have not laughed so hard at someone’s commentary to something in so long! Ahahaha I’m still laughing because it’s probably true.
    I can’t believe how many girls eat this crap up and I agree about the mormon bashing. It’s not fair to relate the 2 but I do have one mormon friend who is like this, she’s so pure and innocent and blah blah. It doesn’t bother me that she’s like that, it only bothers me that she tries to push her beliefs on everyone and it kinda reminds me of SMeyer’s writing…..

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