Chapter Sixteen has a tragic past

ADVERB COUNT: 33 (only because most of the chapter is dialogue. That’s right. I haven’t been counting adverbs in dialogue. Think of how ridiculous the counts would be then.)

I am hereby retiring the Bella Like-O-Meter, because there is so little hope for this character, and I am fairly certain I will never actually hold any sort of positive opinion of her.

Edward leads Bella to Carlisle’s office, explaining that he was telling her his history. Carlisle declines graciously, making up some excuse about having to go into work or something. Doctors, am I right? Edward picks up where he left off.

Carlisle, wisely, tries to off himself. Unfortunately for him, blunt trauma, falling from a great height, sunlight, crosses, drowning, and starvation will not kill a vampire. Uh huh. Okay. So Carl gets hungry, and weak, but insists on resisting his urge to eat humans. One night some hapless deer go wandering by and Carl is just so damn hungry that NOM! fresh venison. This is apparently what leads him to the epiphany that he can just drink animal blood and be an evil creature of darkness without the actual evil part.

Now that he’s immortal without all those yucky and believable flaws, he swims his ass to to France.

“He swam to France?”

“People swim the Channel all the time, Bella,” he reminded me patiently.

Well… okay… I guess that’s a good hand-waving.

“Because, technically, we don’t need to breathe.” …

“You don’t have to breathe?” I demanded.

Sweetheart, we are 338 pages into a vampire novel. He has passed on. This boyfriend is no more. He has ceased to be. He’s expired and gone to meet his maker. This is a late boyfriend.

Edward confides to her that he keeps waiting for Bella to realize that all of this is nuts, and run away screaming. If not for my pain tolerance I would have done so by now.

Annnnnyway Carlisle swims to France because he’s dead and doesn’t need to breathe. He studies various classical subjects before deciding that being a doctor would help him repent for having vampirism being forced on him. I’m not sure what he feels he has to repent for, he started the vampire veganism movement. I mean, seriously, we know he’s not Catholic, there’s no place for this guilt to come from.

Edward is described as awed and reverent of his mentor/father-figure, explaining that it took Carl 200 years to get his blood lust under control, to the point where he could actually practice medicine on humans. While in Italy, Carl found civilized vampires, who, while refined and polite in their own right, tried nobly to get Carl to eat people again. Carl got tired of it, I guess, because he left for the New World. No word on if he swam there, too.

When the influenza epidemic that spurned Edward’s undeath occurred, Carlisle decided that if he couldn’t find another likeminded vampire friend, he would just make one. Very compassionate! Despite the fact that he experienced emotional and spiritual anguish over being a vampire, he decides he’s going to make a few of them himself. If Stephenie would just own up and admit that Carlisle is not compassionate but, in fact, insane, this would be so much more interesting.

So Carl bites Edward, bless his loving, unbeating heart. Edward admits that some ten years after being Embraced chomped on, he had a “rebellious” phase, wherein he no doubt realized that Carlisle is flipping insane, and left on his own for a while. To murder some people.

Never fear, teenage romantics–because Edward can read minds, he only murdered bad people. That makes it right. Right?

Even Edward realizes this is bull, and comes back to Carlisle and Esme’s twisted little home. Where we now find ourselves, inside his room. Edward’s room is built like a music store. I guess the guy likes music. Another weak “I’m scary” “but I love you” conversation, good Lord. Edward pounces on her in an attempt to show how manly and frightening he is, and their wrestling is interrupted by Alice and Jasper.

“It sounded like you were having Bella for lunch, and we came to see if you would share,” Alice announced.

Oh… oh God, I love Alice!

ACTUALLY, Jasper says, breaking into my happy lesbo fantasy with his dirty boy parts, Alice saw a storm in the future, and everyone wants to play a game while there’s thunder.

What game you ask?

Baseball.

Vampires love baseball.

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35 Responses to “Chapter Sixteen has a tragic past”

  1. Living in europe in the 16th century, musical genius, and completely stark raving mad? It all makes sense to me!

    Stephanie Meyer has mistook an elementary case of syphilis for vampirism.

  2. Veloxiraptor Says:

    Come now, a Mormon wouldn’t write a lesbian character unless they planned on decrying it somehow.

    • THIS IS ALL I HAVE LEFT TO HOLD ON TO

      STOP RUINING MY DREAM

    • Moonshade Says:

      Not true. I’m a devout Mormon, actually, and I’ve written plenty of homosexual characters.

      And I’m completely with you that Alice should be a lesbian. Or at least bi. I’m thinking that Smeyer actually only really put Jasper in there because she saw how affectionate Alice was being, and she wanted to reinforce the idea that she WASN’T a lesbian.

      Not that it worked. *kiss on cheek*

      • Hark! I have spotted a rare beast!

        Nah, I’m just kidding, I love you people. Some of my best friends are Mormon.

        Honestly, just that one change–Alice living an “alternative lifestyle”–would probably have made the whole series for me, lol.

  3. I’m with you now. I love Alice! Why can’t this be about her? Come on, eat the clumsy idiot and take over the story!

    Please?

    …;.;

  4. Millen Kyles (Hah!) Says:

    I think they were just concerned that if they played Monopoly, Bella would somehow fall down and break her tibia.

    Baseball, obviously, is a much safer game for her to play with people that are obscenely fast and powerful. Imagine all of the dangerous situations she might experience when Edward rolls a D6.

  5. Vampires love baseball.

    This is the most reasonable thing I’ve heard so far from this book.

    Yeah, update already. When I started reading this, I figured you’d finished the book already. My life hinges on the next chapter.

    I might just read this shit myself. I’m sure it could be easily procured from any one of the simpering adult, college-aged women on campus who likely carry at least five copies of it on them at all times, one for them to read the 1539548th time and a few spares for anyone who loved the movie and “should TOTALLY read the book OMG!!!1!”

    • Oh dear Lord, no. I am updating as I go. If I read ahead, that would be CHEATING.

      I am shocked and appalled by the number of adult women who are in love with this book. “Twi-moms” indeed.

      I only know one man who’s admitted to reading and enjoying the series, curiously enough. He’s a Wiccan, though. I’m not sure if he’s really a man anymore.

  6. estheria Says:

    a guy walked up to my friend isabelle and was like, can i call you bella? she was all, how are you even a guy? i call creepy.

    and I’m loving your updates. I’ve read the book and only just realised how creepy and abusive edward is. but the sparkles put me off him anyway.

  7. Softspoken Says:

    “I mean, seriously, we know he’s not Catholic, there’s no place for this guilt to come from.”

    –> Maybe it’s guilt from the future? From all of his ‘compassionate embraces’?

  8. If his feet weren’t nailed to a post, he would be pushing up daisies.

  9. alaskan-salmon Says:

    hey i just thought of something. what does not having to breathe got to do with being able to swim the english channel, or really fast for that matter (the victoria thing). shouldn’t she have repeated that vampires have great endurance/strength? a few people have already swum the channel.
    do you think she was implying that carlisle had walked to england underwater?

  10. I love the Monty Python-reference you had there.
    “This is a late boyfriend”. Haha.

  11. Edward’s not dead; he’s just pinin’ for the fjords!

  12. Okay. This drives me mad:

    “Influenza Epidemic”
    It’s actually:
    “Influenza PANDEMIC”
    big difference, much more interesting.
    Again, this is pure genius.

  13. CrabOfDoom Says:

    Being raised by and as a Pagan, it seriously pisses me off- while somehow not surprising me- that Carl’s guilt is in no way related to the fact that he helped persecute and murder innocent people just for believing in different gods. Need to atone now that you’re a monster just as you accused others of being? Of course not! I am so never touching one of these books to even kick it across the room.

  14. I love love love the Python reference. :P Made a really bad day just a little bit better.

  15. I love you now. Seriously. That Python reference was sheer win in a can.

    Yes. Edward has wrung down the curtain and is singing with the choir invisible! He is, in fact, an ex-boyfriend.

    …I’d take the muttering slug.

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