Chapter Sixteen has a tragic past
ADVERB COUNT: 33 (only because most of the chapter is dialogue. That’s right. I haven’t been counting adverbs in dialogue. Think of how ridiculous the counts would be then.)
I am hereby retiring the Bella Like-O-Meter, because there is so little hope for this character, and I am fairly certain I will never actually hold any sort of positive opinion of her.
Edward leads Bella to Carlisle’s office, explaining that he was telling her his history. Carlisle declines graciously, making up some excuse about having to go into work or something. Doctors, am I right? Edward picks up where he left off.
Carlisle, wisely, tries to off himself. Unfortunately for him, blunt trauma, falling from a great height, sunlight, crosses, drowning, and starvation will not kill a vampire. Uh huh. Okay. So Carl gets hungry, and weak, but insists on resisting his urge to eat humans. One night some hapless deer go wandering by and Carl is just so damn hungry that NOM! fresh venison. This is apparently what leads him to the epiphany that he can just drink animal blood and be an evil creature of darkness without the actual evil part.
Now that he’s immortal without all those yucky and believable flaws, he swims his ass to to France.
“He swam to France?”
“People swim the Channel all the time, Bella,” he reminded me patiently.
Well… okay… I guess that’s a good hand-waving.
“Because, technically, we don’t need to breathe.” …
“You don’t have to breathe?” I demanded.
Sweetheart, we are 338 pages into a vampire novel. He has passed on. This boyfriend is no more. He has ceased to be. He’s expired and gone to meet his maker. This is a late boyfriend.
Edward confides to her that he keeps waiting for Bella to realize that all of this is nuts, and run away screaming. If not for my pain tolerance I would have done so by now.
Annnnnyway Carlisle swims to France because he’s dead and doesn’t need to breathe. He studies various classical subjects before deciding that being a doctor would help him repent for having vampirism being forced on him. I’m not sure what he feels he has to repent for, he started the vampire veganism movement. I mean, seriously, we know he’s not Catholic, there’s no place for this guilt to come from.
Edward is described as awed and reverent of his mentor/father-figure, explaining that it took Carl 200 years to get his blood lust under control, to the point where he could actually practice medicine on humans. While in Italy, Carl found civilized vampires, who, while refined and polite in their own right, tried nobly to get Carl to eat people again. Carl got tired of it, I guess, because he left for the New World. No word on if he swam there, too.
When the influenza epidemic that spurned Edward’s undeath occurred, Carlisle decided that if he couldn’t find another likeminded vampire friend, he would just make one. Very compassionate! Despite the fact that he experienced emotional and spiritual anguish over being a vampire, he decides he’s going to make a few of them himself. If Stephenie would just own up and admit that Carlisle is not compassionate but, in fact, insane, this would be so much more interesting.
So Carl bites Edward, bless his loving, unbeating heart. Edward admits that some ten years after being Embraced chomped on, he had a “rebellious” phase, wherein he no doubt realized that Carlisle is flipping insane, and left on his own for a while. To murder some people.
Never fear, teenage romantics–because Edward can read minds, he only murdered bad people. That makes it right. Right?
Even Edward realizes this is bull, and comes back to Carlisle and Esme’s twisted little home. Where we now find ourselves, inside his room. Edward’s room is built like a music store. I guess the guy likes music. Another weak “I’m scary” “but I love you” conversation, good Lord. Edward pounces on her in an attempt to show how manly and frightening he is, and their wrestling is interrupted by Alice and Jasper.
“It sounded like you were having Bella for lunch, and we came to see if you would share,” Alice announced.
Oh… oh God, I love Alice!
ACTUALLY, Jasper says, breaking into my happy lesbo fantasy with his dirty boy parts, Alice saw a storm in the future, and everyone wants to play a game while there’s thunder.
What game you ask?
Vampires love baseball.