Chapter Fifteen, part one

ADVERB COUNT: 77

BELLA LIKE-O-METER is absolutely 0.

Bella wakes up to Edward sitting in the chair across from her bed, watching her. OH EDWARD SIIGH. She throws herself into his arms and confesses she thought last night was a dream. His response? “You’re not that creative.”

I’d be a little more upset if he wasn’t correct. There is absolutely nothing interesting, new, or even strong about this so-called heroine. I am still suspecting he’s keeping her around as an emergency food supply.

Oh, look, a paragraph about Bella washing her face. Merciful crap, Stephenie, no one cares.

Bella talked in her sleep more, it seemed. She said she loved Edward. I’m not sure how she can be so coherent while sleep-talking. I normally talk about returning your mining skill within 90 days with receipt, if you don’t like it.

Edward tells Bella that she is his life now. Codependency, go! He then tells Bella it’s time to eat, because he needs to make her decisions for her now. Bella makes a joke about him eating her. Oh man, it’s so funny that he could kill her at any moment. He attempts to make her breakfast himself before he realizes that he doesn’t eat and doesn’t know what humans actually have for breakfast. It’s hilarious and not at all boring, I swear.

The actual plot of the chapter eventually happens in the form of Edward inviting Bella to his place to meet his “folks.” Bella asks if Alice saw her in her  visions, and Edward responds rather oddly. Is Alice gunning for Bella too? That would be hilarious and probably the only thing that could make me enjoy the book at this point.

Edward insists Bella tell her dad Charlie that he’s her boyfriend. Bella says “I was under the impression that you were something more, actually.” Undead lifemate? “We’re getting vampire-married, after we figure out how to keep him from crushing my skull.”

Oh for God’s sake, would we hurry up and meet the interesting characters please?

Bella agonizes over what to wear. Oh God. She comes downstairs and declares herself decent, to which Edward manhandles her tenderly and insists that she is indecently tempting. Oh God. He kisses her, and she faints.

Oh GOD I am not even KIDDING she FREAKING FAINTS.

I just

I can’t

what is

I have to go.

BRB.

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22 Responses to “Chapter Fifteen, part one”

  1. >I am still suspecting he’s keeping her around as an emergency food supply.

    Now I see Bella as a small white yapdog.

  2. Bella is Menchi!

    I can even imagine her yowling that sad little song at the end of Excel Saga episodes.

  3. “Oh, look, a paragraph about Bella washing her face. Merciful crap, Stephenie, no one cares.”

    But the problem is, people DO care! So much that they keep buying the books and giving the author a lot of money.

    My sister Julie was saying the same thing, my other sister, Corinne is addicted to this and talked the rest of us into reading them and Julie was wondering why people were so fascinated with all the boring imagery.

    • Again, I just DON’T CARE what Bella has for every meal. Pacing, people, PACING.

      I can’t get over the huge rift between readers of this series. You either totally love it, or think it’s the worst thing ever.

      • Oh, no. I absolutely love the series, but also love to make fun of it. Hence me reading this. Of course, I like the story, but realize, mostly after reading this, how much crap it is.

  4. “she FREAKING FAINTS.”

    Of course…because if SMeyer had been kissed by a sparkle-laden undead stud-muffin while she was whateverthefuckageBellais, she would have hit the floor faster then a drunken prom date. Figures.

  5. You should admit yourself to a hospital for, ESL (extremely sucky literature) syndrome. No kidding.

  6. Katie Cole Says:

    how does Edward not know what humans eat for breakfast? He was a human not too long ago, I mean really, doesn’t he watch TV? See advertisements or commercials anywhere? Does he mean he doesn’t know what Bella eats for breakfast? I think we all know what she eats for breakfast. I think we all know what she eats for EVERY SINGLE MEAL, because apparently if S.M. didn’t tell us we would be missing out on Bella’s action packed life.

    • soranomukou Says:

      God help is if SMeyer publishes a cooking book.

    • I agree with the fact that he should know how to prepare human food seeing as how he used to be one. So the only thing I can guess is for the reason he doesn’t know how to prepare human is if he was like Alice who has no memory of her human life and I’m pretty sure Edward remembers a lot about his human life because supposedly vampires have really good and sharp memory even their human memories which are blurred. And I think if I had been in her room all night while she slept I would have had her as a midnight snack.

  7. In MY sleep, I’ve sometimes talked about blueberries, bunnies who want me to dig holes and something about moving the cat litter to the other side of the table.
    Oh. And “Shark Styles” because I TOTALLY know what those are.

    … if I ever say how much I love edward in my sleep, somebody better be there to shoot me.

  8. Sarcasmfeeder Says:

    You know, everyone keeps going on about the annoying details, but I didn’t register any of them, because my brain was reduced to weeks-old tapioca from a mix.

  9. WoW Ref, Epic win.

    Faints?

    Faints??

    Yes, I have read that right.

    I need to go to bed.

  10. honestly, I tossed the book out of the room when she “swooned” Sad that i read the series to the end. Just had to find out if it could get worse.

  11. Ashley the Sparklepire hunter Says:

    Wow I’m sure you went to go barf xD.

  12. cendriya Says:

    I shouldn’t read this at work. Had to wipe my notebook screen from coffee and my colleagues are giving me strange looks.

    This is hilarious:

    “I am still suspecting he’s keeping her around as an emergency food supply.”

    Eat her, Edward, eat her, plz!!!

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