Chapter Thirteen, new adverb high score

ADVERB COUNT: 97. Ninety and seven. 97!!

BELLA LIKE-O-METER: Oh god 1.

Edward does not burst into flames. He does not hiss “No, natural light!!” and melt into a puddle of viscous goo.

He glitters.

This is not a metaphor.

He sparkles in the light, like a frigging suncatcher. His skin looks as though it were embedded with diamonds. Oh God I wish I were joking.

So let’s recap the pros and cons of being a  vampire.

Pros:

1. Super awesome power, chosen at random. (Pick from clairvoyance, telepathy, empathy, and uh, compassion.)
2. Super strength, speed, and senses.
3. Aphrodisiac breath.
4. Heart-stopping beauty.
5. Don’t need to breathe!
6. Uh, totally immortal?

Cons:

1. You have to drink blood They talk a lot about what a pain it is to just drink animal blood, but uh, clan Cullen seems to be surviving just fine, angst notwithstanding. What, are vegans constantly in emotional anguish because they won’t have a steak?
2. Sparkling I don’t know what the hell his problem is. He’s going to be a hit at clubs. Put this back on the pro list.

Pros, continued:

7. Sparkling.

So um, what’s the big deal with being a vampire? Where, exactly, is the downside? I’m not convinced here.

I mean, sure, sparkling is sort of embarrassing when you’re trying to be all manly and impressive, but seriously.

So anyway. Edward freaking sparkles which only makes him prettier and we are treated to pages and pages of angelic beauty, awkward touching (not even sexual touching, just face stroking and hand-holding), and… really incredibly creepy dialogue.

“I’m the world’s best predator, aren’t I? Everything about me invites you in–my voice, my face, even my smell. As if I need any of that! … As if you could outrun me,” he laughed bitterly. … “As if you could fight me off.”

He delivers this line while jumping around the glade and ripping apart huge trees. Bella remains unafraid, because, say it with me, she is a colossal idiot.

Edward explains to Bella that everybody has a specific smell, and for reasons unknown, she smells absolutely amazing to him, which caused him a lot of trouble on that infamous day in Biology. Seriously guys, he almost ate her. Seriously. He’s dangerous and you need to be afraid. He tells Bella she is his “brand of heroin,” which makes me gag ever so slightly. Bella asks if this weird scent-frenzy happens to the other vampires too, and Edward brings up that it has happened twice to his “brother,” Emmett.

“What did Emmett do?” I asked to break the silence.

It was the wrong question to ask. His face grew dark, his hand clenched into a fist inside mine. He looked away. I waited, but he wasn’t going to answer.

“I guess I know, ” I finally said.

HO HUM, YOUR BROTHER IS A MURDERER. LET’S LOVINGLY STROKE EACH OTHER MORE!

Edward continues on this bizarre, messed-up path of the conversation, describing how he had come up with ways to lure her out of school with him alone so he could kill her. How when she saw him in the office that day he was considering killing her and the office lady, since it was just “one other frail human” to take care of.

Even in light of this frankly horrifying testimonial, Bella is unmoved. The best we get is a brief moment of pity for Ms. Cope for almost unintentionally causing her violent death. Oh my God. Does this girl understand that Edward sees her as an Extra Value Meal with breasts?

Anyway, Edward went to Alaska for… some reason, and then came back when he realized he was being a gigantic pussy. Then we begin on whatever  chapter that was when suddenly he was all smiles and friendliness for his future meal.

By the way, he had been listening to her conversations through her friends’ minds since day one. Not creepy at all.

But he loves her.

They touch some more, I wish fervently that the author wasn’t a grossly immature Mormon and I could get a decent love scene at some point to break up the monotony, but no so luck. Edward drops hints that he apparently has never been lusty before. He’s been a 17 year old boy for 90 years, I find this very hard to believe. Bella puts her head to his chest and hears… nothing, and sighs in happiness.

Ugh ugh ew ew ew ew

Edward gives her a piggy-back ride down the mountain, running at Superman speeds. This makes her motion-sick and dizzy, which only sets us up for the swooning at the KISS SCENE:

Edward hesitated to test himself, to see if this was safe, to make sure he was still in control of his need.

And then his cold, marble lips pressed very softly against mine.

EEEEWWWW EW EW EW EW HE’S DEAD YOU STUPID TWIT HE’S DEAD

Anyway she swoons a little and, predictably, he refuses to let her drive.

” … Besides, friends don’t let friends drive drunk,” he quoted with a chuckle. …

“Drunk?” I objected.

“You’re intoxicated by my very presence.”

Aaaugh why does Stephenie Meyer hate me.

Advertisements

24 Responses to “Chapter Thirteen, new adverb high score”

  1. LOL! LOL! LOL! I love this blog, Rach!

  2. “2. Sparkling I don’t know what the hell his problem is. He’s going to be a hit at clubs. Put this back on the pro list.”
    O mi gawd, best comment ever! I laughed so damn hard, my abs were re-shaped (wait till I finish reading the whole blog… I’ll go to America’s Next Top Model).
    Greetings from Greece!

  3. LOLZ. This book would be the funniest thing ever if not for the fact that a large portion of the modern world’s women think it’s romantic. In light of that…. it’s just sort of sad.

    • Di-chan Says:

      Good point… very good point… which is why I now hug the “Wall of (Decent, Good, Hot Damn) Romance Novels (cheesey, trashy, erotic…)” in our house everytime I get a chance when Twilight comes up.

  4. […] other possible way she could encourage her mental trauma, and decides that they should try to find that one meadow where vampires transform from creepy, subtly malignant, abusive metrosexuals, into creepy, subtly […]

  5. Kensuke Says:

    “I’m the world’s best predator, aren’t I? Everything about me invites you in–my voice, my face, even my smell. As if I need any of that! … As if you could outrun me,” he laughed bitterly. … “As if you could fight me off.”

    So I get to this part, and he’s telling her “Oh, come closer plz” and I look up because it’s getting to me. I’m in the bookstore, mind you, I didn’t want to spend my money on this. I look up, and the first thing I see is a Star Wars book with Admiral Ackbar on it. That’s right. “It’s a trap!”

  6. soranomukou Says:

    …His skin is as cold as ice, as hard as rock (at least SOMETHING about him is hard) and as pale as the moon. And yet sitting on his knee is described as pleasant?

  7. Keyaroscuro Says:

    I just thought I would mention that the first page of chapter thirteen just about did it for me. I was snorting and laughing so hard in disbelief that I couldn’t continue past that point. My roommate actually walked in and asked me what was so funny…and it was her copy of Twilight that I was reading.

    Kudos to you for lasting longer than my poor, sensitive mind could ever do so.

    Also, I’m a Mormon living in Utah AND I KNOW WHERE SMEYER LIVES. About two hours that way. If you hear of an arson hitting her house then rest assured that it wasn’t me. I’m going to cover her house in sparkling toilet paper instead.

    And I feel that this blog is sadly missing some lovely illustrations (I would like to petition that using illustrations would have made the book oh so much more hilari–er, better). HERE, LET US SUPPLY THEM (plus added commentary about all the Mormontastic stuff there is in this series, for those who have yet to see it): http://stoney321.livejournal.com/317176.html?thread=14831608#t14832376

    • Um…Stephenie Meyer lives in Arizona.

      You know, I’m often told to write what I know. Why didn’t she write about living in Phoenix?

      Can you imagine all the hilarity of the Cullens in Arizona? Alice is constantly questioned on why she wears those big hats. People want to know why Edward wears big sunglasses and a baseball cap all the time and why Carlisle only works the night shift.

      And was I the only one reminded of what goes through the mind of a man about to committ a rape of opportunity, “As if you could stop me?”

  8. He he he, this was hilarious! Genius, I say. Genius.

  9. “He delivers this line while jumping around the glade and ripping apart huge trees.” LMAO, he’s the Cheshire Cat of vampires!

  10. you are a fucking genius. why are there so many people (myself included, obviously) that couldnt stop reading twilight wtfffffff

  11. Extra Value Meal with breasts?
    HAHAHAHA!
    Fuck, that cracked me up.

  12. Cons:

    1. You have to drink blood They talk a lot about what a pain it is to just drink animal blood, but uh, clan Cullen seems to be surviving just fine, angst notwithstanding. What, are vegans constantly in emotional anguish because they won’t have a steak?
    2. Sparkling I don’t know what the hell his problem is. He’s going to be a hit at clubs. Put this back on the pro list.

    omg i laughed so hard at these i think i just lost 5 pounds. you’re awesome!

  13. I dunno, a lot of the vegans I’ve run into seem pretty goddamn anguished.

    Hilarious stuff. I am sharing this blog with everyone I know.

  14. HO HUM, YOUR BROTHER IS A MURDERER.

    That was bloody brilliant. Oh my. You are my hero.

  15. EmpressJudge Says:

    “You’re intoxicated by my very presence.”

    … There are simply no words that I can conjure which adequately express the extent to which I want to murder/sodomize this fucking book.

  16. I could not read past this chapter. Oh my gosh. It was so horrible. I just could not read past him describing how he wanted to kill her. Like. Omfg.

    So I am relying on your recaps for the rest of it. I just can’t do it anymore.

  17. Ripping apart trees… Why?

    Entertainment idea–Cullens. Trained attack magpies. Let’s see who wins, and watch the carnage. Keep a rifle on hand if the Cullens start winning.

    So about the immortality thing–theoretically, if you chopped them into itty bitty pieces and fed them to dogs, they would still be alive? That’s gotta suck.

  18. Elena from’ the vampire diaries’ (the books, of course) nearly shrieks and is horrified when she learns that Stefan is a vampire!

    Hilarious blog!
    ‘I mean, sure, sparkling is sort of embarrassing when you’re trying to be all manly and impressive, but seriously.’ This made me rofl!!!!! :)

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: