Chapter Thirteen, new adverb high score
ADVERB COUNT: 97. Ninety and seven. 97!!
BELLA LIKE-O-METER: Oh god 1.
Edward does not burst into flames. He does not hiss “No, natural light!!” and melt into a puddle of viscous goo.
This is not a metaphor.
He sparkles in the light, like a frigging suncatcher. His skin looks as though it were embedded with diamonds. Oh God I wish I were joking.
So let’s recap the pros and cons of being a vampire.
1. Super awesome power, chosen at random. (Pick from clairvoyance, telepathy, empathy, and uh, compassion.)
2. Super strength, speed, and senses.
3. Aphrodisiac breath.
4. Heart-stopping beauty.
5. Don’t need to breathe!
6. Uh, totally immortal?
1. You have to drink blood They talk a lot about what a pain it is to just drink animal blood, but uh, clan Cullen seems to be surviving just fine, angst notwithstanding. What, are vegans constantly in emotional anguish because they won’t have a steak?
2. Sparkling I don’t know what the hell his problem is. He’s going to be a hit at clubs. Put this back on the pro list.
So um, what’s the big deal with being a vampire? Where, exactly, is the downside? I’m not convinced here.
I mean, sure, sparkling is sort of embarrassing when you’re trying to be all manly and impressive, but seriously.
So anyway. Edward freaking sparkles which only makes him prettier and we are treated to pages and pages of angelic beauty, awkward touching (not even sexual touching, just face stroking and hand-holding), and… really incredibly creepy dialogue.
“I’m the world’s best predator, aren’t I? Everything about me invites you in–my voice, my face, even my smell. As if I need any of that! … As if you could outrun me,” he laughed bitterly. … “As if you could fight me off.”
He delivers this line while jumping around the glade and ripping apart huge trees. Bella remains unafraid, because, say it with me, she is a colossal idiot.
Edward explains to Bella that everybody has a specific smell, and for reasons unknown, she smells absolutely amazing to him, which caused him a lot of trouble on that infamous day in Biology. Seriously guys, he almost ate her. Seriously. He’s dangerous and you need to be afraid. He tells Bella she is his “brand of heroin,” which makes me gag ever so slightly. Bella asks if this weird scent-frenzy happens to the other vampires too, and Edward brings up that it has happened twice to his “brother,” Emmett.
“What did Emmett do?” I asked to break the silence.
It was the wrong question to ask. His face grew dark, his hand clenched into a fist inside mine. He looked away. I waited, but he wasn’t going to answer.
“I guess I know, ” I finally said.
HO HUM, YOUR BROTHER IS A MURDERER. LET’S LOVINGLY STROKE EACH OTHER MORE!
Edward continues on this bizarre, messed-up path of the conversation, describing how he had come up with ways to lure her out of school with him alone so he could kill her. How when she saw him in the office that day he was considering killing her and the office lady, since it was just “one other frail human” to take care of.
Even in light of this frankly horrifying testimonial, Bella is unmoved. The best we get is a brief moment of pity for Ms. Cope for almost unintentionally causing her violent death. Oh my God. Does this girl understand that Edward sees her as an Extra Value Meal with breasts?
Anyway, Edward went to Alaska for… some reason, and then came back when he realized he was being a gigantic pussy. Then we begin on whatever chapter that was when suddenly he was all smiles and friendliness for his future meal.
By the way, he had been listening to her conversations through her friends’ minds since day one. Not creepy at all.
But he loves her.
They touch some more, I wish fervently that the author wasn’t a grossly immature Mormon and I could get a decent love scene at some point to break up the monotony, but no so luck. Edward drops hints that he apparently has never been lusty before. He’s been a 17 year old boy for 90 years, I find this very hard to believe. Bella puts her head to his chest and hears… nothing, and sighs in happiness.
Ugh ugh ew ew ew ew
Edward gives her a piggy-back ride down the mountain, running at Superman speeds. This makes her motion-sick and dizzy, which only sets us up for the swooning at the KISS SCENE:
Edward hesitated to test himself, to see if this was safe, to make sure he was still in control of his need.
And then his cold, marble lips pressed very softly against mine.
EEEEWWWW EW EW EW EW HE’S DEAD YOU STUPID TWIT HE’S DEAD
Anyway she swoons a little and, predictably, he refuses to let her drive.
” … Besides, friends don’t let friends drive drunk,” he quoted with a chuckle. …
“Drunk?” I objected.
“You’re intoxicated by my very presence.”
Aaaugh why does Stephenie Meyer hate me.