Chapter Twelve and Bella is aiming for milk carton mugshots

ADVERB COUNT: Eighty-freaking-four

BELLA LIKE-O-METER: What does it matter? She’s going to get eaten anyway.

The Indians attack!

Well, actually, they watch the game.

Jacob is smitten with Bella, and she has the decency to feel guilty about it. Jacob finally figures out that it was Edward she was with earlier, and calls his father a superstitious old man.

Hey, maybe that Edward kid is just a normal controlling creepy stalker, and that’s why Billy doesn’t like him?

Bella goes to sleep. Bella wakes up. Bella puts on clothes and eats food. You know what, Stephenie? I don’t care. There hasn’t been a single meal Bella has that I don’t know the intimate details of. There isn’t a single chore or class I’ve been forced to sit through while listening to her whine and kvetch about how painfully gorgeous Edward is. Why is every little minutia of Bella’s life so crucial that it has to be written down?

Bella goes to school. Edward drives her of course only to say that he maybe shouldn’t have, because he and Alice are leaving early. Alice is his hot sister–possibly the only character I like so far, other than Jacob. I’m sure something stupid will happen to change that. Bella is concerned over having to walk home, and Edward says “Oh, don’t worry. Alice and I are going to break into your house, go into your room, find your keys in the pocket of your jeans, drive your truck to school, and leave it in the parking lot with the keys in the ignition.”

Ugh.

More useless “I’m dangerous” “but I love you!” fluff. Rosalie, the other vampire chick, seems to hate Bella. Edward makes a big deal about Bella not getting hurt while he’s off hunting with Alice. Bella goes to class. Bella watches a movie. Bella talks to people. Ugh ugh ugh.

Also, that bit about Edward breaking into Bella’s room to steal her keys and hijack her car? I wasn’t joking. Bella’s truck is in the school parking lot with the keys in the ignition. Her reaction is simply to go “Oh, you!” and get in her car.

The icing on this creepy cake is that he left her a note that says “Be safe.”

Ugh ugh ugh.

Bella, superior survivor of the species that she is, is now telling all her friends that she’s not going anywhere on Saturday. Yep. No plans. So don’t come looking for her when she doesn’t show up to school on Monday. Nope, everything is fine. Feel perfectly safe with the supernatural monster that eats people. He’s just too pretty to pass up.

Bella makes dinner. Bella eats dinner. Bella does laundry. I am treated to a paragraph of her doing laundry oh my god.

Bella takes cold medicine to sleep better. …Wait, what?

Edward shows up early in the morning, and makes a huge fuss about Bella driving. He gives her orders on where to go, and comments about how slow she is. They should never have given women licenses. He leads out into the woods, where there is no road, and only one trail, and then they don’t take that trail. Bella, sweetie, did you leave a will and testament before you left home?

Edward and Bella hike to someplace he confesses he likes to go to when the weather is nice. I’d like to point out that he hikes with his shirt unbuttoned, which nearly sends Bella into cardiac arrest. But back to the weather–this should bring up an interesting question for those of you who don’t know this fact about Twilight manpires. What happens to them in the sun? Clearly it must be something bad, or they wouldn’t all live in the place with the highest recorded rainfall in the continental US.

Well, you’re in a for a real treat.

It’s going to dazzle you.

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7 Responses to “Chapter Twelve and Bella is aiming for milk carton mugshots”

  1. This is amazing. I haven’t laughed this hard in a long time. Thanks.

  2. Chishio Kawa Says:

    You make a great point about Bella’s home life…its true i dont think anyone wants to read about the chick making and eatting dinner. Plus people today are faced with chores and other things like that and rather not be reminded of it in a book but yet it occures in the book. We read books to take our minds off the real world but damn stephanie makes it really hard to go a day without thinking of it…book is soo boring…

    Oh btw i love this site u created…^_^ i’m glad someone has the same views on the 4 books like I do.

  3. soranomukou Says:

    …Seriously? It’s basically repeating a sexist joke,

    “Why don’t women need drivers licenses?”
    “There’s no road between the bedroom and the kitchen!”

  4. Probably, every single detail of Bella’s life HAS to be stated, because this is an escapist fantasy on Meyer’s part. She wants to -be- Bella, not tell a good story; it’s not a plot, it’s a personal daydream.

    Ironically, a lot of teenaged girls -also- want to live Bella’s life, so they approve of the meandering and first-person narrative.

  5. ”Bella makes dinner. Bella eats dinner. Bella does laundry. I am treated to a paragraph of her doing laundry oh my god.”
    Brilliant. Simply brilliant.

    • I feel they go through the motions for this simple reason.

      Book: “Bella makes dinner”

      Reader: “Wait a minute… I make dinner!”

      Book: “Bella eats dinner”

      Reader: “Wait a minute… I eat dinner!”

      Book: “Bella does laundry”

      Reader: “Wait a minute… I do laundry! OMIGOD, we’re, liek, practically the same!!”

  6. snoopdog2003 Says:

    Now that is hilarious!

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