Chapter Ten, When Cullens Attack
ADVERB COUNT: 49
BELLA LIKE-O-METER is basically broken now.
Chapter ten is supposed to be more character development between Bella and Edward, “supposed to” being the operative phrase here.
Edward is waiting in Bella’s driveway to drive her to school, because she is Not Allowed to Drive Anymore. He isn’t driving his family today–they went to school in Rosalie’s fancy red convertable. (Rosalie is another vampire, who isn’t male, so Bella doesn’t care much about her.)
Edward attempts to explain how them vampires like to stay under the radar, despite the fact that they are unnaturally beautiful, keep to themselves, disappear from school for days at a time, and drive fancy, flashy cars.
Bella’s friend Jessica is all “OMG TELL ME ABOUT YOUR NIGHT” as she meets with them. Edward informs Bella that Jessica will be waiting to ambush her in class, and that he will be listening to her thoughts so he knows what Bella is saying. How is this not like a guy who reads your text messages, listens in on your phone conversations, and checks your email, only way more private and creepy?
Bella and Jessica have an incredibly boring teenage girl conversation (“OMG DID YOU KISS HIM OMG ARE YOU DATING OMG”), the only interesting part of which is when Jessica admits that Edward creeps her out. Why aren’t her friends attempting to save her from him? Oh, right, gorgeous dazzling angelic etc.
Bella meets up with Edward at lunch. He grabs a tray, leads her through the line, and piles the tray with food for her. Because she is now incapable of getting her own lunch. They have some sappy conversation or another about how much they care about each other, Edward keeps trying in vain to tell Bella how dangerous he is and how she needs to stay away, but I get the feeling he’s not giving it his all anymore. Edward informs her that actually she is drop dead gorgeous herself and has never realized it.
TIME OUT TIME OUT.
New girl comes to school, is a total knock out, and doesn’t talk to anybody. In fact, is downright rude to people. What are high schoolers going to assume?
That’s right. She’s a haughty, high-and-mighty little bitch.
Mary Sue Mary Sue Mary Sue Mary Sue
I digress. Edward drops more hints that he’s going to follow her around more than ever now that it’s clear she’s an idiot and will end upget herself killed somehow. Bella considers putting herself into danger intentionally in order to keep Edward from making good on his empty threats of leaving her 4ever because he is so very dangerous. Eventually she gets around to asking why they were camping in Goat Rocks last weekend, and the answer is obvious.
They were hunting grizzly bears and cougars!
That’s right. They went to a popular camping and hiking spot specifically to hunt a protected animal, and… and freaking mountain lions. Oh, but they hunt judiciously. They only eat predators or prey when there is an overpopulation of them. Where the hell they managed to find an overpopulation of grizzly God damn bears is a freaking mystery.
I will leave you on the note that Edward hunts cougar… like a cougar. The mental image of him prowling night clubs for older, sexually-active women is more than priceless.