Chapter Ten, When Cullens Attack

ADVERB COUNT: 49

BELLA LIKE-O-METER is basically broken now.

Chapter ten is supposed to be more character development between Bella and Edward, “supposed to” being the operative phrase here.

Edward is waiting in Bella’s driveway to drive her to school, because she is Not Allowed to Drive Anymore. He isn’t driving his family today–they went to school in Rosalie’s fancy red convertable. (Rosalie is another vampire, who isn’t male, so Bella doesn’t care much about her.)

Edward attempts to explain how them vampires like to stay under the radar, despite the fact that they are unnaturally beautiful, keep to themselves, disappear from school for days at a time, and drive fancy, flashy cars.

Riiight.

Bella’s friend Jessica is all “OMG TELL ME ABOUT YOUR NIGHT” as she meets with them. Edward informs Bella that Jessica will be waiting to ambush her in class, and that he will be listening to her thoughts so he knows what Bella is saying. How is this not like a guy who reads your text messages, listens in on your phone conversations, and checks your email, only way more private and creepy?

Bella and Jessica have an incredibly boring teenage girl conversation (“OMG DID YOU KISS HIM OMG ARE YOU DATING OMG”), the only interesting part of which is when Jessica admits that Edward creeps her out. Why aren’t her friends attempting to save her from him? Oh, right, gorgeous dazzling angelic etc.

Bella meets up with Edward at lunch. He grabs a tray, leads her through the line, and piles the tray with food for her. Because she is now incapable of getting her own lunch. They have some sappy conversation or another about how much they care about each other, Edward keeps trying in vain to tell Bella how dangerous he is and how she needs to stay away, but I get the feeling he’s not giving it his all anymore. Edward informs her that actually she is drop dead gorgeous herself and has never realized it.

TIME OUT TIME OUT.

New girl comes to school, is a total knock out, and doesn’t talk to anybody. In fact, is downright rude to people. What are high schoolers going to assume?

That’s right. She’s a haughty, high-and-mighty little bitch.

Mary Sue Mary Sue Mary Sue Mary Sue

I digress. Edward drops more hints that he’s going to follow her around more than ever now that it’s clear she’s an idiot and will end upget herself killed somehow. Bella considers putting herself into danger intentionally in order to keep Edward from making good on his empty threats of leaving her 4ever because he is so very dangerous. Eventually she gets around to asking why they were camping in Goat Rocks last weekend, and the answer is obvious.

They were hunting grizzly bears and cougars!

That’s right. They went to a popular camping and hiking spot specifically to hunt a protected  animal, and… and freaking mountain lions. Oh, but they hunt judiciously. They only eat predators or prey when there is an overpopulation of them. Where the hell they managed to find an overpopulation of grizzly God damn bears is a freaking mystery.

I will leave you on the note that Edward hunts cougar… like a cougar. The mental image of him prowling night clubs for older, sexually-active women is more than priceless.

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12 Responses to “Chapter Ten, When Cullens Attack”

  1. I….I remain thoroughly in awe of how completely fucking creepy Edward is. Why do girls think he’s some kind of dream guy?

    Not to mention he’s what, 100+? Shouldn’t Chris Hansen be waiting in Bella’s house for them? “Hi, Edward. Why don’t you take a seat… What are you doing here? You know she’s like 80 years younger than you, right?”

    • He’s… 107, I think. And STILL A VIRGIN.

      Smeyer falls over herself to describe how unbelievably attractive he is in every way, and his smoldering creepiness is misinterpreted as being intensely protective, rather than… smolderingly creepy.

  2. Forestwater Says:

    What were Meyer’s editors smoking when they didn’t realize what overwhelming fail this is? Or her relatives (though I suppose they’d have to lie)? OR MEYER HERSELF?!

    If a crapload of intelligent people — not geniuses, mind you, but NORMAL people — notice how screwed up this is, why didn’t anyone in charge of publishing this shit? Is everyone who touches Meyer’s life remarkably stupid? It’s like you get within thirty feet of her and POOF! Instant dumbass!

    At least you’re clever.

    • See? I’m not the only one saying she a Mary Sue. The Host, Meyer’s other book, is the exact frigin same thing.

      Forestwater:
      Sadly, look at all of the literary-challenged fans out there. Meyer’s trash novels have been loved and made into trash movies. Basically, it’s a money scam, teaching girls it’s okay not to stand up for yourself and taking their money at the same time. Hallelujah.

  3. soranomukou Says:

    Is it just me, or is sexism prominent?

    “WOMEN SHOULD SHUT THE FUCK UP AND DO WHAT MEN TELL THEM 100% OF THE TIME”
    “WOMEN SHOULD SPEND THEIR LIVES MAKING FOOD AND DOING OTHER HOUSEHOLD CHORES INSTEAD OF DOING ANYTHING FUN/SOCIALIZING!”
    “MEN = RIGHT SO EVERYTHING WE DO IS OKAY”

    What did Bella do before meeting GORGEOUS SEXY AMAZING Edward? Make food for her mother and her father and everyone else. What does she do for GORGEOUS SEXY AMAZING Edward? Do everything he says without complain 100% of the time. She also doesn’t think anything of his stalker-ish and creepy behaviour.

  4. Wow, your cliff notes just keep getting better and better. Or at least make me laugh more and more.

  5. Then Rosalie is a wompire? But hey, I thought Bella was more interested in girls (except for Edward of course).
    Well, good job on this blog. I don’t hate Twilight, but I don’t love it either. And I get what you mean, and I find it very funny. I’ll definitely keep reading :)

  6. And there I thought Edward couldn’t get creepier. You know, initially reading the book I didn’t realize he really was a creep. Took a break of a day, came back to chapter 14…and it went downhill from there.

    I think I might spend the rest of the night reading your cliffnotes, because they are hilarious. It could be the best way to spend my very boring Saturday night.

  7. wow. just wow. it’s been a while since i’ve read twilight and i have to admit when i first read it, i kinda liked it…then i thought about it after seeing the movie (and reading far better books *cough*HARRYPOTTER*cough*) and realized “holy rotten potatoes, someone actually PUBLISHED this steaming pile of goat shit?”
    i’m seriously kind of ashamed for actually recommending these books to other teenage girls and turning them into twi-zombies…but i mean i didn’t neccesarily like those girls so i guess it was my unconcious way of telling myself “PUT THE BOOK DOWN. IT HAS TO BE BAD IF YOU’RE USING IT AS A WEAPON. I REPEAT PUT THE BOOK DOWN AND MOVE ON TO BETTER THINGS.”
    and thinking of Edward hunting for slightly wrinkled, spray-tanned cougar women…HILARIOUS.

  8. Last paragraph I almost fell off of my chair.

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