Chapter Two, freaking dull

ADVERB COUNT: A whopping 92. I believe this is a new high score.

BELLA LIKE-O-METER is a tepid 5 and a half. (She hates snow. Maybe she’s not so bad after all.)

When we last left our “intrepid” “heroine,” she was near tears because a boy was so totally mean to her at school.

Never fear! Edward apparently had a rough party night and doesn’t show up to school for the next few days. As a result, Bella gets her head out of her ass and starts making some freaking friends (and starts trying to figure out how to snub Mike, who clearly likes her. Why she is considering this, I have no idea, there is absolutely nothing wrong with Mike).

Then she makes some dinner.

Uh. It’s pretty boring.

BUT WAIT just when Bella was starting to act like an actual real person, EDWARD COMES BACK TO SCHOOL, DUN DUN DUN. Like a conman, he’s acting like the first day never happened, and is all winning smiles and charming conversation. Some choice words used to describe him at this point are “musical,” “enchanting,” “beautiful,” and, of course, “dazzling.” Never mind that he was nearly giving her panic attacks a moment ago thanks to her social phobia bizarre teenage priorities, suddenly he is dreamy!

We find out that Bella has moved to the much-hated Forks because… her mom remarried to a man who likes to move around a lot, and Bella has committed a noble self-sacrifice by moving out of her mom’s house so she can move around with her new husband. I guess? She tells all this to Edward because he’s as charming as a sociopath. She also takes time to notice that his eyes have changed color. That’s right! His eyes change color. Stephenie, this is internet fanfiction. Internet fanfiction, Stephenie.

When Bella leaves school, Edward is hanging outside his car just staring at her. Just staring.

Some call it stalking, but I call it love.

26 Responses to “Chapter Two, freaking dull”

  1. Colleen Says:

    My 14yo read Twilight just so that she would have something to talk to her best friend about (who is a die hard twilight fan). My girl reported to me the following: something is wrong with the writing of this book….and it took me a few chapters to figure out. then I realized it is written like “internet fan fiction”. Caught that in your diatribe above!

    • I think even Time magazine compared her writing to internet fan-fiction, lol. It’s very… teenager. Not in the fact that it was written for teenagers, but that it feels like it was written by a teenager. And everything I hear and read about Smeyer seems to prove that she wants desperately to be 16 again.

      • And wouldn’t you know… I could point you to some internet fanfiction with high literary quality! But this… this is the kind.
        I flippin love this blog!

  2. Again, you hit it right on the nail. I’ve described it as “fanfiction” and heard it described that way before. It makes me wonder…where were the editors? The proofreaders?

    How did someone not say something before this? “Um, so, about things like character development, word choice, plot…you know how you’re supposed to have them?”

  3. soranomukou Says:

    I love snow. It makes me happy. :D

  4. Internet fanfiction is right. And as a writer and reader of internet fanfiction that is actually decent, it’s kind of insulting that she gets so much acclaim.

  5. As an aspiring writer, I have to ask: Are using too many adverbs bad?

    • soranomukou Says:

      Using too many is definitely bad, but using them isn’t bad. Get someone else to read and help you check if you’ve used too many!

      • Looks like we got ourselves a reader Says:

        Who died and made you Northrop Frye?

        Oh, right, he did actually die.

        • I believe you do not need to be an expert in order to relay common knowledge. Overusage of any literary feature is bad, non?
          It is also common sense that you would need someone else to properly assess your work, preferably anonymous as then bias will not be present.

        • Oooh so we’re getting nasty now. Looking forward to your other comments, Twiteacher.

  6. Ah, so that’s why I couldn’t remember that chapter! Too many adverbs make the brain grow tired.

    • Well said. Too many adverbs and purple prose makes me want to skim the book, Anne Rice does the same thing to me. You do not skim well written books, only poorly written ones.

      • Anonymous Retard Says:

        I dunno. At least Anne Rice has characters that are more than just paper figures. Though her writing COULD use less adverbs, she’s 100x better the Smeyer. I could manage a whole book of Anne Rice. I read the first chapter of Twilight and my eyes felt like they were going to bleed.

  7. That is the ONE thing running through my ENTIRE head while reading these books. This reads like a fan fiction I wouldn’t read. This is awesome. I love the way you write!

  8. Catriona Says:

    I beg to differ. Internet fan fiction tends to be better written.

  9. Well, it’s better than My Immortal.


    About the same writing style, but minus the 1337, chat and lolspeak, as well as the flat out misspellings, so you can at least read it without wanting to burn out your eyes from the abuse of the English language (although I can’t vouch for the grammar). I still wouldn’t read it, because the writing, in a word, sucks.

  10. Comparing it to fanfiction is harsh i think. I’ve read some actually quite outstanding fanfiction!! They don’t deserve to have they’re work compared to the dribble that is Twilight and all it’s bi-products.

  11. You know your novel has issues when fanfiction based on it is an improvement.

  12. Victoria Says:

    Very “internet fanfiction” I would know, because I write some of it.

  13. … I feel insulted as to the “internet fanfiction” comment. What I write is much better than this garbage. I was one of those “tweens” that the book series was geared towards when it first came out. I admit that I was all for it when I started reading it. I mean, come on, a vampire romance novel? That seemed like the fairy-tale indulgence for a tween like me at that time, the social outcast. About halfway through the book though, I had to put it down. The writing was poor, there was no conceivable plot, and I just don’t do stalkers. It’s too creepy and there is nothing that says “love me” about a person that watches you sleep without your knowledge of them being in the room and knows your every move before you even decide to make it. I’m sorry, but it’s just plain out creepy. All Meyer is doing is teaching people that it’s okay to be in an abusive relationship if they’re “god-like” in there appearance.

    However, my mother (and my grandmother) is in love with the stupid series. She has posters and life-size cut outs everywhere in this house. Now, that is creepy. She is obsessed. So, this leads me to believe that maybe this series is not for the tweens or teens. Maybe it was meant for middle aged, divorced women who are looking for a stalker-like romance?

    I had quit reading for years before Twilight came out, and I didn’t start reading again suddenly because of it. I don’t see how anyone can like this drivel. If you wanted a plot-less, mindless indulgence, then you would read the dictionary. (Which seems to have more of a plot than any of the Twilight series.)

    I love your wittiness in writing this. I have read a lot Twilight Recaps, but yours are the best.

    • Victoria Says:

      I write a lot of FanFiction as well, but I don’t take the comment to heart. She was referring to the ones that are filled with Mary-Sues and terrible plots.

      • Oh, I know that. I was just teasing about that. :P I didn’t really take it to heart. It’s horrible the plots and such. What’s really bad is that I find that some of the fanfictions with horrid plots and riddled with Mary-Sues are better than Twilight itself! :/

  14. Victoria Says:

    Yeah, those are better…

  15. Anonymous Retard Says:

    While Fanfiction.Net and other sites can have amazing fanfiction, most of it is written exactly like Twilight: hopeless sexual fantasies and witless characters abused in order to fulfill them. In a way, you have to almost feel sorry for Bella. She’s the witless victim required to fill out Smeyer’s hopeless fantasy world.

  16. Well done, I never made is past Chapter 2. Your stamina is nothing short of impressive.

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