Chapter Six has indians!

ADVERB COUNT: 62

BELLA LIKE-O-METER: one one one one one one one one >_<

Bella asks her dad Charlie if the place near Goat Rocks, south of Rainier, is good for camping (since Edward said that’s where he’d be today and she’s going to be spending all day thinking about him.) Charlie says it’s a terrible place to camp, on account of the bears.

I hope he doesn’t mean grizzlies. Oh god.

She also doesn’t intend to tell Charlie that Edward will be going with her on her trip to Seattle. It’ll be great when she disappears and nobody knows why.

It’s the beach trip!

Yawn. Mikes fawns over her, Jessica gets mad at her, etc., etc., I so could not care less about Bella and her unintentional love triangles at this point.

I am also fed up with how clumsy Bella is. She cannot sit by a tide pool without worrying she’s going to fall in. She cannot sit without worrying about falling. This is not a simple flaw anymore so much as a physical condition. Has it always been this bad? Why hasn’t anyone gotten her inner ear checked? CAT scans? MRIs? Anyone?

Some native kids show up from the nearby reservation. The youngest is Jacob, described as looking 14 or 15. I know this is going to be important and incredibly creepy later.

One of the girls asks, scorn in her voice, why no one thought to invite the Cullens, which is the perfect time for the oldest res. kid to say “The Cullens don’t come here.” Oh, so ominous. Bella is desperate to know more, so she does what any woman would do–pretends to flirt with the 15 year old to pump him for information.

I AM NOT KIDDING. She takes the 15 year old on a long walk, flutters her eyes at him, asks him if he comes up to Forks much, and at one point even narrates that this is what Edward has done to her so it’s probably going to work. So full of hate. Of course Jacob falls for it and of course he tells her all about why the Cullens can’t come to the beach.

The Quileutes of Stephenie’s world believe they descended from wolves. A brief jaunt to wiki tells me this is true–a traveling shapeshifter found a wolf and transformed him into a man, thus creating the first Quileute. Jacob also tells a story about the flood, saying that the Quileute tied their canoes to the tops of trees to survive which.. is also true! Did this woman actually research something?

For some reason she felt the need to make a vampire story for them. Oh, I’m sorry, “cold ones.” Jacob says his great-grandfather encountered a tribe of cold ones that didn’t eat people, and told them if they stay off their land, they’ll leave them alone. Bella’s all “oh so the cold ones are like the Cullens rite,” and Jacob says no, they’re the same cold ones.

Ooooooh. I’m so shocked.

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10 Responses to “Chapter Six has indians!”

  1. It gets much creepier in the last book (or so I have been told). FYI.

  2. Katie Cole Says:

    I never really understood how you flutter your eyelashes at a boy, or what was it she said, looked at him through her lashes? WTF is that? If she did that when I was around her I would have probably asked her if she had something in her eye,or suffered from tourettes (sp?), or just had a nervous twitch. Small stroke? Would that explain her inability to walk? Hmm…

  3. Maybe bilateral vestibulopathy?

    I can see a baby Bella somehow injuring herself, and inattentive Renee not picking up on it.

  4. ladyrebecca Says:

    The clumsiness is just a plot device to cover up her constant bruises and stitches she receives while hanging out with Edward. It’s the “I fell down the stairs” excuse for this series. Of course, normal people would get their child checked out at a doctor if they were so terminally clumsy. Or, maybe, just maybe, Bella could make a conscious effort to be aware of her surroundings so she doesn’t trip over her own feet. Hmmm? Maybe? Maybe?

    Eh…being clumsy gets boys. Cute and abusive boys who sparkle in the sunlight and don’t wear protection during sex because they assure you that they are “sterile.”

  5. original name I know, I heard about your site on another site, so now I’m reading your old blogs. Anyway about the clumsiness thing, in second grade my brother would fall out of his chair randomly. So maybe it’s some sort of disease. But then again of course my brother is a 19 year old junky who dropped out of community college. Yes I am implying that these two people are stupid. I’m proud to say Stephenie Meyer lost me at the 3rd book (and I just got the info from crazed friends). Which I disliked because I was going through my action fight scene faze. I’m still going through my action fight scene faze.

  6. Shancock Says:

    this is so awesome. i read twilight a few years ago and when it blew up into this huge popular mess i was so angry. someone had given me a copy, so naturally i took it upon myself to edit it, it’s taking me forever because it’s so bad i can only do about a chapter at a time. but looking at those pen-marked pages is just beautiful. and this, well this is simply incredible.

    • Genius idea marking up the book. It would be a great book to look back at when you are 50 and say, “Man those books really were stupid.” :)

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