Chapter Seven is incredibly boring

ADVERB COUNT: Even though absolutely nothing happens, Smeyer manages to fit 67 in this chapter.

BELLA LIKE-O-METER is three? I guess?

Absolutely nothing happens in this chapter.

Bella listens to music. She has a nightmare about Jacob turning into a wolf and attacking vampire!Edward. She googles “vampire.” She takes a walk outside, decides that Edward must be a vampire, and that either way she still wants desperately to be with him. She is euphoric as she goes to school, and when she doesn’t see Edward at all at that day falls into a deep dark depression that doesn’t lift until the end of the chapter, when she and her girl “friends” load up into a car to go to Port Angeles for dress shopping.

That’s it. 22 pages of absolutely nothing.

The only high point of the chapter was when she told Nothing Wrong With Mike that her essay for English is about “Whether Shakespeare’s treatment of female characters is misogynistic.” I laughed so hard I nearly died.

8 Responses to “Chapter Seven is incredibly boring”

  1. You should honestly read the rest of the books just to rip on them, especially the last one with ‘Renesmee’, which is a bigger Mary Sue then Bella is.

    I never got into the books, but I did read them at first out of morbid curiosity and then the later ones just to see how they would go. The last one, the last one takes the cake. Jacob is actually a decent character and you want to think ‘he could do so much better then Bella’, and then you hit the creepo meter you mentioned earlier.

    Yes, just out of spite, read and blog all four books. They get worse.

    • sheepyrai Says:

      Oh, I absolutely intend to, at this point. I think amongst all my friends I can borrow the books to recap. That would preclude me from circling the adverbs, though, lol

    • Sarcasmfeeder Says:

      I hated Renesmee. What’s her middle name? Charlisle? How unoriginal. I wanted to throw her off a cliff. No, I wanted her to wander onto the res and be eaten.

      • apparently since Smeyer created a character SO INCREDIBLY AMAZING AND GODLY SHE COULD NEVER *gasp* SETTLE WITH NAMING HER ASHLEY OR POLLY. Oh no. It had to be Renesmee. My mary-sue radar’s going crazy.

  2. fantasyforever Says:

    My Mother-in-Law-to-be said that there is “no way” I didn’t like the books on some level, because I read all four books.

    But honestly, it was out of pure masochistic curiosity. I wanted to see how bad it would get, and how horribly it would end.

    And maybe your friends won’t mind you circling them in pencil? Well, unless they love the books XD;;

    • Android 21 3/7 Says:

      Sounds to me like you did like it. You know, the same way a movie critic would like watching terrible movies to see how far they’ll push the bar of terrible and then laugh at it.

  3. Meyer to referenced the Filipinos in the book, but she could have picked a better known vampire than the Danag. The mananangal would have been better. While not technically a vampire, it’s at least somewhat interesting. The mananangal is a weird creature, by day it’s a beautiful woman, but by night, it splits itself in half to fly around and eats some baby fetuses.

    Splits itself.

    [i]In half.[/i]

    Apparently it’s legs are too heavy.

    Here’s the funny part. If it wants to live another day, since they burn in the sunlight, they have to reattach themselves to their legs. So the only way to kill them is to stop them from reattaching. How, you ask? Why, smear it’s intestines with salt, that’s how! (I’ve heard weirder. There’s a creature here were you beat it by wearing your shirt inside out.)

    • She referenced the Danag in Twilight?
      Dang, she should have just wrote a book about the mananangals! That would’ve been much more interesting than stone-cold leech-people. Isn’t there that myth that in order to tell if someone’s like a monster (they call it “aswang” in the Philippines) you like look into their eyes and if your reflection in that person’s eyes is upside down, then run for your fucking life, he’s a monster. Creeps the heck out of me. See, much more interesting shit, SMeyer. i think i’m going to start a novel now. lol.

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