Chapter One, adverbs 1-54

“Twilight,” Chapter One, is 28 pages long.
ADVERB COUNT: 54. One page had none! Good job, Smeyer. However, one page had a total of eight, including one “greenly,” which gave me an aneurysm. I’m sad to report this is an actual word augh.
BELLA LIKE-O-METER is currently sitting at 4 out of 10, for “Seriously, what is this bitch’s problem?”

Chapter one starts us off explaining how much and sincerely Bella hates Forks, Washington, which is where she has inexplicably volunteered to go live with her father. Why does she hate Forks? I guess it’s the rain. Or the fact that she’s a moody PMSing little teenage twat.

I think this is supposed to take place in the winter. Everything is described as incredibly green, vibrantly weirdly alienly green. I wonder if I can get to 54 adverbs at this rate. I’d like to point out that while Washington is indeed green year round, if she really thinks winter is that eye-searingly green she should wait for freaking spring. Or maybe the author just doesn’t know anything about Washington.

I’m sure that couldn’t possibly be it.

Bella, the PMSing teenage twat, is described as having “ivory skin” which she feels makes her a freak because she’s from Arizona. Man, it sucks having perfect skin, what a flaw. She also explains that she feels she sees things differently from other people, as though she had a “glitch in her brain.” I only wish that could explain the leaps of logic in this series.

Anyway, her parents are divorced, and she has the typical cliche relationship with them. Mom is scatterbrained and needs her kid to pay bills, clean house, buy food, etc. Dad is distant and is referred to by his first name. All very original.

Bella seems to have some sort of social phobia. Or at least, she would if this were written by a writer with half a brain. While Bella hyperventilates and is incredibly anxious about starting her first day at a new high school (something I completely empathize with), she is standoffish, cold, and generally rude to anyone who is nice to her, which is everyone. I didn’t know Forks was a vortex of joy-joy feeling.

Everyone, that is, except Edward Cullen, who is, as WE know, a vampire, but nobody else has figured that out yet. While the author spends maybe a sentence or two on each of the boring mortals that introduce themselves to Bella and fall over themselves to be nice to her (not even Bella bothers to remember most of their names), she spends a full two and a half pages describing the vampire clique. They are beautiful. Graceful. Haunting. Black-eyed. Wait. Yeah, she says they look like they have black eyes. But also beautiful! Throw a good handful of -ly words in there and you’ll get the picture.

I digress. Edward Cullen is a dick. Bella is forced to sit next to him in Biology, where he… spends the whole period GLARING AT HER. This is supposed to be because she smells like the best cheeseburger you’ve ever had and Edward is attempting to not eat her at this VERY MOMENT, but we don’t know that yet, so Edward is a dick.

Also, despite the fact that everyone in school has been doing everything but gifting her with frankincense and myrrh, Bella’s day is totally ruined because this one guy was an asshole to her. Even after a sweet, cute guy named Mike escorts her to gym.

Actually, let me quote the book for you:

“He was so mean. It wasn’t fair.”

I swear those exact two lines are in here.

Bella runs into Edward later in the office where he is insisting that he be transferred out of biology. He glares at her some more. Oh man is he dreamy. I mean, what a jerk! This was totally like the worst day ever.

I am trying to read this with the eye of a 16 year old. I can see how Bella is easy to identify with. We wish we were pretty so we could bitch about it. We wish that everyone would be nice to us when we switched to a new school so we could then decide to stiff them because they looked like a “chess club” type (much love, Eric).

As a 25 year old, however, I don’t freaking get it.

I’m sure this will only get better.

41 Responses to “Chapter One, adverbs 1-54”

  1. I love it! I spent about six months recapping all four Twilight books, plus Midnight Sun and The Host. It definitely makes it easier to read if you’re making fun of it at the same time.

    Your blog is hilarious, keep it up.

  2. Nah. I was 17 or so when this crap came out and I STILL don’t get it. I think it was geared toward tweens who dream of highschool or sometihng.

  3. I’m surprised you missed the blatant and all-too-cheesy foreshadowing when Bella was walking into school for the first time. Although I don’t have the exact quote, I believe Bella though to herself, as she was walking from her truck, something along the lines of, “I can do this. Nobody is going to bite me.”

    I do wonder how many other awful lines like this permeate the book, but I could not make it past chapter 3, so I suppose I will never know.

  4. My friend and I from australia were going to rewrite a chapter of the books in DECENT, SIMPLIFIED prose, without all the fucking adverbs and maybe try to make Edward into less of a dick, but the latter just seems impossible.

    • Di-chan Says:

      Yikes, a friend of mine just challenged me to do that… as well as giving it a plot in the first chapters and not the last seven. I have a feeling knitting would be easier then that now…

  5. Wonderful! Excellent! You seem to share MY EXACT FEELINGS on Twilight. I did not get Bella at all. Even when I was 16 I was not that bitchy, PMS-y, or head-over-heels-blind for any guy (no matter how “beautiful”). I didn’t get why she liked him because, OMG, he glared at her! And I even grew up in the same area as Bella did in Arizona for my High School years. Yeah, still didn’t get her.

    What really bugged me, too, was the underlying mormon religious morals in this series. Like how she immediately starts cooking food for her Dad when she comes into town. She’s been moving and on a plane but, wait, must cook for Daddy! Even though he MUST be able to look after himself ’cause he hasn’t starved to death yet.

    I sorta kinda got through the first book (I read the first few chapters, for reals, and then I JUST COULDN’T stand the pain and suffering a moment longer and skimmed and scanned until the end. The sad thing is knew the whole story without really having to read it. Then I had others tell me the rest of the series and read some online stuff (I won’t spoil the end book for you, but let’s just say when my friend told me what happened, I didn’t believe her until I read it online. WTF Smeyer?)

    Anyway, the sad thing is, the person who recommended the book to me and practically forced it in my hand was an intelligent, 28-year-old Language Arts teacher. Mind boggling.

  6. Katie Cole Says:

    I think that I am just going to comment now without reading more then the opening paragraph. This is because I can already tell that everything you are going to write is totally TRUE, and I have a feeling I am going to agree with everything you say. I have read all of the series. And I will never EVER do it again. I tell any of my friends who are curious that if they want to read the series to go right on ahead, but I warn them that they are not good AT ALL. Don’t get me wrong, I slightly enjoyed the first book. It had potential. But Meyer just killed it. The action was short and took forever to happen. And Bella’s constant descriptions of Edward looking like some god were getting annoying, not to mention her clingy-ness near the end, I couldn’t stand Bella any longer. Book two was worse, and she has only gotten worse through the series. I really wish I could punch her in the face. It’s sad that young girls can’t read something, ANYTHING other than this. What ever happened to the stuff that was popular when I was growing up, like Goosebumps, or Roald Dahl or Shel Silverstein or hell even American Girl or The Babysitter’s Club? You know what’s a great series? Tithe, Valiant and Ironside all by Holly Black. Now that is an enjoyable series. I’d even take anything by Meg Cabot over Meyer any day (actually every day).

    And the movie? I won’t say much about it, since I’m not sure if you have seen it. I was afraid to see it myself. I only just watched it about a week ago. One of my friends who has read the series say the movie when it came out in theaters and she told me it was like watching a bad Lifetime movie. She was right. But to end this little rant, I wish you good luck with keeping your sanity while reading these….”books”. As for me, I think I will re-read through some good Eoin Colfer.

  7. soranomukou Says:

    ….Greenly is a WORD?

    How the hell can you use it?

    And don’t forget the spooky foreshadowing at the start of the book. The exact adjective she used to describe mysterious killer’s walking eludes me, but I’m sure it was something poetic and completely unrealistic.

    • Oh, right. “The hunter smiled in a friendly way as he sauntered towards me.”

      Which just makes me imagine him putting “Stayin Alive” on the loudspeakers while he eats her. OHHH you can tell by the way he used his walk he’s a vampin’ man, NO TIME TO TALK–

  8. teukstrid Says:

    I’ve been toying with the idea of reading this book for ages now, but have never actually gotten to the point where I cracked open a copy of it and dug into the “incredible love story of a human and a vampire”. After watching the movie(downloaded, not bought if I might add) yesterday and reading the recap of the first chapter I’ve come to a realization that I will never, ever, in a lifetime read this book. The movie shocked me in general. I liked approximately 2 minutes of it because of a good job from the editor, but the remaining 120 minutes was nothing less than a waste of my time. I found myself looking at how good-looking Robert Pattison is at times cause as the book obviously makes it clear, he is perfect in so many ways.

    I am in lack of anything to read at the moment and to replace the idea of reading Twilight, I’ve decided to read your blog instead. I feel like I can get more out of your blog, than the actual book. At least with this option I will be amused instead of utterly annoyed.

  9. purpleclaws Says:

    I’m sixteen years old and even I absolutely despise Twilight. I can see all the flaws, the fact that Edward is a manipulative, abusive bastard, and that Bella is a whiny Mary-Sue bitch.

    These books and their crazy, drooling-at-the-mouth rabid fangirls shames my age group.

    Much love for the blog!

  10. It was the long bus ride. I was bored to death. I asked my sister for a book. She gave me Twilight.

    I slept for most of the trip.

    She made up for it by buying Different Seasons, though.

    And “Greenly”? Seriously, Meyer?

  11. Sweet Tsubaki Says:

    Hi I’m 17 and is it me or Bella is described as another S.Meyer ? In fact more like a Marie-Sue version of S.Meyer…and I alsoo don’t get it…

    I’ve read Twilight when it came out and franctically, I couldn’t remember a thing when I thought about it a week after (I’ve only forgotten 2 books since I’ve learnt to read^^ so it was one of my two worst reading), the only thing I remember was that it was awful to read ! As well as horribly boring and stupid (vampire who ‘re afraid of Daylight because they’re shining? That’s so silly u_u. One of my friends recommended it to me because I love Tolkien I still don’t see what she thought had any connection with his books >_< it's pretty refreshing^^).

    I'm sorry if my English is not good, I'm still learning -Yup I'm french^^ and although I understand pretty well, I still have some problems to write^^.

  12. TrekGirl Says:

    I love this blog! I have been reading several posts and I think you have a gift for telling it like it is when it comes to “Twilight”. I have only read the first three books, but all three were a painful experience. Thank you for this blog.

  13. Calliope Says:

    You haven’t mentioned the part where Smeyer describes her bloody clothes. God, I loved that part. Cue the Sue!
    This book isn’t stupid, it’s a darn plague. Thank you for ripping it apart! At least there are some sane people in this world.

  14. IHateTwilight Says:

    I was 14, read theseries and actually thought the first one was OK. Then I read the others and it all went downhill from there, with Breakind Dawn ending at the bottom of…a chasm. A never-ending one. And it totally ruined the already-horrible series for me. Bella is a cliched prick, and Edward is a jerk, and Edward never lets her do anything because “he loves her” (so that automatically makes it ok–sarcastic–) and Bella lets him walk all over her. “Oh Edward I loooove you!” Bleh. Makes me sick.

  15. I’m 15 and still hate Bella with a passion. And Edward. He’s such a sparkly little fruit. And their relationship makes me want to barf. It’s a creepy combination of too-much-fluff and borderline-spousal-abuse and stalker-ism.

    I read the first 14 chapters and then gave up.

    And now… I’m this close to torture myself into reading the books for Jacob Black, because I like his character. And because the actor is eye candy. And because I’m an idiot (with an almost capital I).

  16. Also, goddamn this blog is heavensent!

  17. Looks like we got ourselves a reader Says:

    Funny blog, funny comments but ladies…lighten up with the book snobbery. The book is *probably* not aimed at you. I am assuming here that most of you would consider yourselves discerning readers, perhaps even avid readers. Hand on heart, this book has got more of my students back on track with and interested in reading than any other since old woolly knickers, stiff upper lip Potter himself. The critique of Bella cooking for her Dad. Jeez. Get over it, do you really think the tweeny readers will pick up on the Mormon moralising when they are swooning over chisel cheeks Cullen? I like to think of Twilight as a gateway book – it has got my students reading all kinds from Bronte, Austen, Shakespeare to Rosoff, Reeve and Pullman and writing their own stories too. I love how so many folk say ‘they gave up reading …after Book 4…’ then go on to detail loads of incidentals from the books. Haha.

    Liken Twilight to a bucket of toffee popcorn: a sweet sickly indulgence and one you shouldn’t rely on for a healthy diet but a perfectly acceptable indulgence now and then.

    Shame on the folks whose snobbery is such that they would deride anyone for indulging in some escapist fantasy reading.

    • I believe for most it is simply the annoyance of people desiring a relationship as obviously abusive as Edward is. “Hand on heart”, one of my friends has recently said she would be fine with someone raping her if they were attractive enough or Edward Cullen.

      For myself it is the fact that such a relationship–where he rapes her and even disables her truck to stop her seeing her friends–is being portrayed as true love that is the reason I dislike this book.

      I admit, I have a tin ear for books that are not well written most of the time and I am very critical in my works, however I do believe that there is a different between ignoring small slips and completely shutting off one’s brain.

      All the… “action” happens in the last five chapters, and the logic applied to the saving Bella plan is far from logical, not to mention that she blacks out and the only action that actually… happens is a multi-page monologue on behalf of the bad guy.

      Twists in the story are few if any, and they always concern Alice or some other side character.

      The main characters are 2D, flawless and completely unrealistic and I just cannot find it in myself to enjoy a book that takes place in a supposed realistic setting when absolutely nothing is researched or realistic.

      We don’t get a description of Edward till the second book, I believe, and the abuse of adverbs and theme of “he’s pretty so he can do what he wants ♥” is sickening.

      The writing is dull and boring, going into annoyingly elaborate detail on the ways in which to make dinner whilst glancing over important details such as Edward’s appearance and giving anyone except vampires or mythological beasts appearances or personalities other than “please Bella”.

      I apologize. I made this longer than intended. My main point is that, while it may have got people interested, it is a thoroughly disgusting book, snob or no.

    • The blog is *probably* not aimed at you.

      Liken Twilight to a bucket of toffee popcorn: a sweet sickly indulgence and one you shouldn’t rely on for a healthy diet but a perfectly acceptable indulgence now and then.

      I would, if I ran into more people who treated it like that. The majority of people I run into have crowed about how good it is and how wonderful the characters are and how romantic the relationship is. I have met exactly two people in real life so far who have read them, enjoyed them, and then can laugh with me about how contrived, poorly-written, and downright creepy these books are. The rest are the type who believe Twilight is high literature. This blog was created in response to these readers.

      You seem to be one of those people who actually like them, and I’ve been looking for actual discourse on these books, apart from “omg edward cullen is a gr8 charter i h8 u osoooooo much.” If you want to set aside your snobbery, maybe we can make this happen.

      • Looks like we got ourselves a reader Says:

        I’ll stick to my guns on this one. It’s a piece of light fluff/fantasy that taps into hormonal girls’ dizziness and if they enjoy reading that, that’s cool with me. I think a reading that extracts a subtext of compliance with rape and being in an abusive relationship is a bit too Dworkin even for me. Have you looked up from your screen and clocked what’s going on in the world around you? I think girls/women enjoying some mindless pulp fiction is the least of the world’s worries.

        And Tro, as Brit I resent the suggestion that we are not all tripping along to The Drones *readjusts monocle* .

        • You have heard of attempted rape of a person who disliked Twilight? This “enjoyment” you speak of has extended to cult-like behaviour where it has become somewhat of a taboo to speak against it or destruction of your possessions and/or physical harm will be the result.

        • Android 21 3/7 Says:

          It’s a piece of light fluff/fantasy that taps into hormonal girls’ dizziness and if they enjoy reading that, that’s cool with me.

          As long as it was nothing that anyone took too seriously, it’d be cool with us too. We don’t hate people for liking it. I’m sure we indulge in mindless brainless fluff now and then. I know I do. But when we hear stories like these, well…

    • >> lighten up with the book snobbery.

      >> since old woolly knickers, stiff upper lip Potter himself

      yes, all Brits, even the fictional ones, all wear monocles and top hats, and sit around at dainty tables sipping tea (with pinkies extended of course) wot wot. cheerio!

  18. Wait. People who actually read one of these books are still alive.

  19. those brace wearing under developed girls love it and there are like a huge ZILLION of them, so makes no difference to babbling and yapping about this crap. I hope there would be another hit to blackout twatlight. Maybe I could make some, I wonder…

  20. Twilight Raine Says:

    Hahahaha! This is hilarious. I am a huge Twilight fan, but even I would be the first to admit the books are NOT the stuff of good literature. But c’mon! Lighten up everyone! Not all of us are crazy enough as to treat the whole thing as the most important thing in the world. Can’t a girl enjoy some harmless fantasy? Sure, there are those who have started a cult over this phenomenon… I say that’s them, and this is me. That’s their – and their parents’ – problem.

    And I don’t see Edward Cullen as a creepy stalker though me and my friends call him that – just for fun. He is just over-protective of Bella since he knows there’s an enraged vampire out to get her. Given some women – myself included – don’t enjoy over-protective partners (since I love my freedom)… but I think he was written that way so as to portray, in a way, how much he loves her… and how Bella stood her ground with regards to it. In the end she won, right? It just shows how different people see it in different ways. Some say it’s stalker-ish, and some say he’s just in-love.

    But all in all, I thoroughly enjoyed this blog! I love it! And I hope Stephenie Meyer reads it, too. She might learn a thing or two about writing from this. :-)

    • Android 21 3/7 Says:

      Terrific! Welcome! Fans like you are fine with us! (Although we will stand by the stance that Ed’s a creepy stalker…) It’s the fans who get violent or feel that this romance is truly something to aspire to that we don’t like so much.

  21. So, I’ve started reading twilight for the first time ever. I don’t hold it in high regard, but I figured I’d better read it to have first hand knowledge. Want to know my dirty little secret? I was hoping I’d like it. I was hoping it’s be a secret love like I love fan fiction.

    But then, you know, I read it. And I don’t think it’s going to be something I love.

  22. We wish that everyone would be nice to us when we switched to a new school so we could then decide to stiff them because they looked like a “chess club” type.

    Ahaha, I /am/ a chess-club type. Or rather, weiqi-club type, which is like chess-club, only nerdier and you like anime. But then, I would notice Bella and dismiss her as “Popular dipstick. Not worth my time” and go back to reading my book.

    Which would probably make me the sanest person in the room.

  23. I completely agree with everything thing you said cept for the part about 16 year old girls relating to her. I’m 16. And i hate both her and edward and pretty much everyone other then her dad and… nope, that’s about it.

    oh wait! james and victoria. i’d like them more if they’d actually managed to kill her
    almost all of my 16 year old friend agree. i think you’re age range needs to be mental rather then physical.

  24. Please. I read this book when I was 13 and I hated it even then. I mainly just wanted to stab Mary Sue – I mean, Bella with a fork.

  25. Love this blog :) also, you can be safe in the knowledge that the female youth of today hasn’t been completely lost to the cancer that is twilight (I’m 16 and i rather detest it)

  26. Haley and her dog Says:

    This is freaking awesome! I used to recap twilight last year but stopped because i had do stupid stuff like ‘studying’ and ‘beating my brains up’ to get good grades :) anyway without recaping its so hard to read twilight and not die. And yeah I don’t get it either and I’m 15. Bella whines and whines and also whines 2/4 of the book, while spending the other 2/4 describing Eddykins.

  27. First both thdia and Edward are flaming homosexuals that in real life are subs in dominatrix anal beds butt plugs gangbang are daily norms for the treo. Starting at Clair foundation a secret sexual cult , the COUNSLORS Richard rapes the staff Edrick X leans it up Adolfo who knows cbr I guess

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