BELLA LIKE-O-METER is currently sitting at 4 out of 10, for “Seriously, what is this bitch’s problem?”
Chapter one starts us off explaining how much and sincerely Bella hates Forks, Washington, which is where she has inexplicably volunteered to go live with her father. Why does she hate Forks? I guess it’s the rain. Or the fact that she’s a moody PMSing little teenage twat.
I think this is supposed to take place in the winter. Everything is described as incredibly green, vibrantly weirdly alienly green. I wonder if I can get to 54 adverbs at this rate. I’d like to point out that while Washington is indeed green year round, if she really thinks winter is that eye-searingly green she should wait for freaking spring. Or maybe the author just doesn’t know anything about Washington.
I’m sure that couldn’t possibly be it.
Bella, the PMSing teenage twat, is described as having “ivory skin” which she feels makes her a freak because she’s from Arizona. Man, it sucks having perfect skin, what a flaw. She also explains that she feels she sees things differently from other people, as though she had a “glitch in her brain.” I only wish that could explain the leaps of logic in this series.
Anyway, her parents are divorced, and she has the typical cliche relationship with them. Mom is scatterbrained and needs her kid to pay bills, clean house, buy food, etc. Dad is distant and is referred to by his first name. All very original.
Bella seems to have some sort of social phobia. Or at least, she would if this were written by a writer with half a brain. While Bella hyperventilates and is incredibly anxious about starting her first day at a new high school (something I completely empathize with), she is standoffish, cold, and generally rude to anyone who is nice to her, which is everyone. I didn’t know Forks was a vortex of joy-joy feeling.
Everyone, that is, except Edward Cullen, who is, as WE know, a vampire, but nobody else has figured that out yet. While the author spends maybe a sentence or two on each of the boring mortals that introduce themselves to Bella and fall over themselves to be nice to her (not even Bella bothers to remember most of their names), she spends a full two and a half pages describing the vampire clique. They are beautiful. Graceful. Haunting. Black-eyed. Wait. Yeah, she says they look like they have black eyes. But also beautiful! Throw a good handful of -ly words in there and you’ll get the picture.
I digress. Edward Cullen is a dick. Bella is forced to sit next to him in Biology, where he… spends the whole period GLARING AT HER. This is supposed to be because she smells like the best cheeseburger you’ve ever had and Edward is attempting to not eat her at this VERY MOMENT, but we don’t know that yet, so Edward is a dick.
Also, despite the fact that everyone in school has been doing everything but gifting her with frankincense and myrrh, Bella’s day is totally ruined because this one guy was an asshole to her. Even after a sweet, cute guy named Mike escorts her to gym.
Actually, let me quote the book for you:
“He was so mean. It wasn’t fair.”
I swear those exact two lines are in here.
Bella runs into Edward later in the office where he is insisting that he be transferred out of biology. He glares at her some more. Oh man is he dreamy. I mean, what a jerk! This was totally like the worst day ever.
I am trying to read this with the eye of a 16 year old. I can see how Bella is easy to identify with. We wish we were pretty so we could bitch about it. We wish that everyone would be nice to us when we switched to a new school so we could then decide to stiff them because they looked like a “chess club” type (much love, Eric).
As a 25 year old, however, I don’t freaking get it.
I’m sure this will only get better.