Chapter Nine drives like a maniac because it is psychic

ADVERB COUNT: 53, not counting the ones used in all the terrible, terrible dialogue.

BELLA LIKE-O-METER is… you know, I don’t know if I even care any more.

The list of manpire powers grows ever more ridiculous.

Edward drives Bella home from Port Angeles. Normally, it’s about an hour’s drive, but Edward is cruising along in the Volvopire at a hefty 100mph. Bella freaks out on him, and he just rolls his eyes. Women, always with the backseat driving. He casually explains to her that since he can read minds and all, he never gets in accidents, and he never gets tickets–because he can hear the thoughts of any cops around him, so he knows to slow down in time.


There is more stilted conversation regarding exactly what the hell Edward is. Bella confesses that she doesn’t fear him at all, which Edward seems to take like a shark hearing the sea lion say “I really don’t believe you’re going to devour my entrails.” There is more talk of how dangerous he is and how he’s a monster and he might totally eat her and stuff, oooh aren’t you frightened. Bella disarms him by saying that Jacob informed her that the Cullens don’t eat people, only animals. (Which brings up the joke that apparently since the Cullens eat animals, they call themselves vegetarians. Uh, what?) Edward is disappointed that his facade of murdering deadly deadliness has been given away, so he tries even harder to convince her of really terribly frightening he is, complete with talking about how maybe they really just shouldn’t see each other, for real this time. He backs this up with more thinly-veiled insults to her competence, stating that he was horrified she was going to get herself killed at the beach, and that after tonight he clearly needs to monitor her safety more  so he can eat her later.

They finally get to her freaking house, after killing me softly with their “sexual tension,” and Bella gets out to leave. She’s been wearing Edward’s jacket this whole time, sniffing it when he’s not looking (something I honestly would do if the guy smelled as good as Edward is probably supposed to). As Edward leans closer to say good night to her, his breath catches her in the face and she realizes that that is the smell on his jacket.

That’s right. Vampires exhale Axe Body Spray.

We are left with the pivotal quote of the book:

About three things I was absolutely positive. First, Edward was a vampire. Second, there was a part of him–and I didn’t know how potent that part might be–that thirsted for my blood. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.

D’aww. Wait, don’t you two basically have nothing in common? And haven’t we heard nothing of what Edward looks like other than his dead white skin, brown hair, and dazzling angelic strikingly gorgeous befuddlingly elegant smouldering good looks? And hasn’t he basically been stalking you for more than half a year? And isn’t he… you know… dead?

And doesn’t he want to freaking eat you?

30 Responses to “Chapter Nine drives like a maniac because it is psychic”

  1. I wish Edward would have just eaten Bella in like Chapter 2 and saved all of us from this terrible book.

  2. heather. Says:

    Vampires exhale Axe Body Spray. . .

    *Busts up laughing!*

  3. Katie Cole Says:

    so Edward can read minds and slow down when cops are around, and I’m assuming other drivers, but what about, oh I don’t know, ANIMALS? Can he read there minds too? Can he smell them? Going 100mph? This story has more plot holes then swiss cheese…

    • Oh man, I hadn’t even thought of that.

      Stephenie makes a huge point about bears but apparently there’s no such thing as deer in Forks.

      • Katie Cole Says:

        exactly. I think a bear would do a hell of a lot more damage then a deer too. If he drove like that where I live, he would be double dead, because sometimes when you drive through the country there can be u to 30 or more deer in a mile stretch of open field. seriously.

      • Android 21 3/7 Says:

        Hey that reminds me. Ed can’t read Bella’s mind. *proceeds to fantasize about him running over her on accident*

    • missbittens Says:

      And what about speed cameras? You have them in America, right? They would catch him, and it’s not like he can read their minds…

    • WAIT. Do the math here.
      I’m assuming it takes a deer about five seconds to conciously think that they want to go on the road, and then actually do it. Think about this. Even if Edward can read the minds of animals, he would only know about it four seconds before. Would the deer see him, though? He’s going 100mph. That means that he is going 1 2/3 of a mile each minute. That translates to just over five hundred feet away four seconds before. There will not be enough lights or sound for the deer to see them and stop. So the deer would actually walk out. Assumedly, since he is a manpire, he has amazing reflexes. But even if he has zero reflex time, since when can a Volvo(pire) stop or slow and then swerve in four seconds?
      PLOT HOLE!!!

  4. Cathrine Says:

    Yes, I agree with you about this being major plot hole, but I thought the reason they could drive so fast w/out crashing was cause of reflexes, or maybe I added that to the story in my head to make it make sense. I do that some times. Oh, you mean that didn’t actually happen? Well it should have cause it would be better that way. Yes the hearing people would be handy with the cops, but doesn’t work for the other vamps, but well, can’t fix everything.

    • Vampire reflexes might be helpful in defensive driving, but they amount to squadoo if the car doesn’t respond as fast as the vampire does. Volvos might have a reputation for being ‘safe’ cars, but they aren’t designed for being constantly driven at 100mph.

  5. Just about any wild animal bigger than a person will seriously damage your vehicle. Up in Canada we have a saying “Just about the only vehicle that will survive a head on collision with a Moose is an 18 wheeled Mac transport truck going full boar, and the Moose will probably walk away”. My Mom hit a deer (LOTS smaller) doing about 60 mph and it collapsed the front end of her dodge caravan as if it had hit a brick wall.

  6. I think I must be allergic to vampires If the exhale axe because I happen to be allergic to axe

  7. (and reading far better books *cough*HARRYPOTTER*cough*) —-
    I KNOW!

    Why can’t people read other vampire books (Anne Rice, Stephen Kingy, etc . . .) or other lit like Thomas Harris, Dan Brown, V.C. Andrews?


  8. Willowtree Says:

    lol this cracks me up soo much, your a genius – seriously. Talking about reading the animals mind while driving etc. etc. Smeyer would probably have a plan for that – because Eddie is so *Vampagical* he could probably make the car fly over any animals….

  9. Willowtree Says:

    Normally – far fetched
    In Twilight – anything possible it seems!

    • NOT TRUE in Twilight it’s not possible for women to live without men by their sides!! get it right!!

      • Hay! that’s not true!

        there was that one female were-wolf

        that lived in the woods

        totally a lone

        and sad

        and was a bad person

        but she lived without a man! SO THERE! =P


        P.S. also, minor detail but, it’s not that it’s “not possible for women to live without men by their sides” it’s that it’s “not possible for women to live without being by the side of the man to whom they are with.”

        subtle difference…

  10. “D’aww. Wait, don’t you two basically have nothing in common? And haven’t we heard nothing of what Edward looks like other than his dead white skin, brown hair, and dazzling angelic strikingly gorgeous befuddlingly elegant smouldering good looks? And hasn’t he basically been stalking you for more than half a year? And isn’t he… you know… dead?

    And doesn’t he want to freaking eat you?”

    Funniest. Paragraph. EVER.


  12. So… I noticed that the text on the site has changed colour… Is this a wordpress thing or would only she be able to do it herself?

  13. Okay, so I’m late in discovering this blog, but WOWZA it is cramazing. Found it via google, when I searched for ‘domestic violence in tv shows’.

    And then proceeded to kill an hour or so laughing my ass off at your humour.. I bash Twilight all the time to my youth, but man, you kick its ASS.

  14. Twishit sucks Says:

    But Bella and Edward DO have something in common! They’re both bipolar, they’re both stupid, they’re both Speshul, and they both have no personality whatsoever!

    Did that count? Anyone? No? Fine, then.


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