Chapter Nine drives like a maniac because it is psychic
ADVERB COUNT: 53, not counting the ones used in all the terrible, terrible dialogue.
BELLA LIKE-O-METER is… you know, I don’t know if I even care any more.
The list of manpire powers grows ever more ridiculous.
Edward drives Bella home from Port Angeles. Normally, it’s about an hour’s drive, but Edward is cruising along in the Volvopire at a hefty 100mph. Bella freaks out on him, and he just rolls his eyes. Women, always with the backseat driving. He casually explains to her that since he can read minds and all, he never gets in accidents, and he never gets tickets–because he can hear the thoughts of any cops around him, so he knows to slow down in time.
There is more stilted conversation regarding exactly what the hell Edward is. Bella confesses that she doesn’t fear him at all, which Edward seems to take like a shark hearing the sea lion say “I really don’t believe you’re going to devour my entrails.” There is more talk of how dangerous he is and how he’s a monster and he might totally eat her and stuff, oooh aren’t you frightened. Bella disarms him by saying that Jacob informed her that the Cullens don’t eat people, only animals. (Which brings up the joke that apparently since the Cullens eat animals, they call themselves vegetarians. Uh, what?) Edward is disappointed that his facade of murdering deadly deadliness has been given away, so he tries even harder to convince her of really terribly frightening he is, complete with talking about how maybe they really just shouldn’t see each other, for real this time. He backs this up with more thinly-veiled insults to her competence, stating that he was horrified she was going to get herself killed at the beach, and that after tonight he clearly needs to monitor her safety more so he can eat her later.
They finally get to her freaking house, after killing me softly with their “sexual tension,” and Bella gets out to leave. She’s been wearing Edward’s jacket this whole time, sniffing it when he’s not looking (something I honestly would do if the guy smelled as good as Edward is probably supposed to). As Edward leans closer to say good night to her, his breath catches her in the face and she realizes that that is the smell on his jacket.
That’s right. Vampires exhale Axe Body Spray.
We are left with the pivotal quote of the book:
About three things I was absolutely positive. First, Edward was a vampire. Second, there was a part of him–and I didn’t know how potent that part might be–that thirsted for my blood. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.
D’aww. Wait, don’t you two basically have nothing in common? And haven’t we heard nothing of what Edward looks like other than his dead white skin, brown hair, and dazzling angelic strikingly gorgeous befuddlingly elegant smouldering good looks? And hasn’t he basically been stalking you for more than half a year? And isn’t he… you know… dead?
And doesn’t he want to freaking eat you?