Chapter Four, when does Bella get likeable?

ADVERB COUNT: 55. I’ve noticed the presence of adverbs seems to increase when Edward shows up in the narrative.

BELLA LIKE-O-METER is a slightly-improved 2.5. She is showing signs of reason and seems to recognize that she is insane… for however briefly.

For the next week, Bella is the center of attention and SO TOTALLY HATES IT. The Tyler kid who almost hit her with his van is still trying to make amends, HOW IRRITATING. He even sits at her table at lunch now, joining Sweet-Polite-Mike and Chess-Club-Eric in the Bella Fan Club. SHE TOTALLY HATES IT.

Man, if three cute guys I knew liked me were constantly showering me with attention, that would be the worst.

…is Bella a lesbian? She doesn’t seem to have any problem with the girls who moon over her.

Edward ignores Bella for six weeks. Yep. He sits next to her in Biology and just doesn’t look at her. She begins to think that he regrets saving her life–I’d make some comment about what a stupid twit she is for considering this, but this is honestly possible since Edward seems to have massive psychological problems.

Unfortunately for Bella and her man-hating ways, the “Girl’s Choice” dance is coming up. Her friend Jessica wants to ask Mike! Aw wait it looks like Mike turned her down, so he could ask Bella to ask him. Bella deftly manipulates him into feeling bad for giving Jessica a “maybe,” and then, despite the fact that there is Nothing Wrong With Mike, she makes up some bogus excuse about going to Seattle that day. Also, apparently Bella is SO CLUMSY that she will cause herself and others bodily harm by going to a high school dance.

An aside, the only dance I ever went to was prom, but I have reason to believe that if someone had asked me to any other dance, I might have gone. Except for I’m a bit of a man-hater myself. I digress.

After Mike asks her, Edwards takes this moment to stare at her for a few minutes. Not at all creepy. Bella has a moment where she realizes that all this time she’s spent obsessing over a guy who is clearly sociopathic is unhealthy–good girl!

Edward then decides to talk to her, for reasons unknown, but only to tell her that they shouldn’t be friends. “Forget how friendly I was to you before and during saving your life, I’ve decided to cause you emotional pain by now ignoring you for no good reason. I know this will only make you want me more.”

I’m paraphrasing.

Bella accuses him out loud of regretting saving her life, which seems to make him angry. Well, all right, there’s no “seems” about it, since Stephenie loves to just up and tell me how people are feeling. It saves me a lot of brainpower. Observe–

“He was astonished. He stared at me in disbelief.”
“He was definitely mad.”

What, no “his eyes flashed as the muscles in his jaw clenched, fists balling under the desk as he regarded me with a cold and baleful stare?” Think of all the adverbs you could fit into that, sweet author! On second thought, your readers are 15 year olds who just want to get to all the not-sex scenes, so the effort would just be wasted.

Bella can’t believe that Edward wouldn’t want to be friends with her. This totally ruins her day… again. Even worse, Chess-Club Eric is waiting by her truck to ask her to the dance. I thought this was Girl’s Choice? Incredibly, Bella echoes my thoughts. This girl has brief flashes of clarity that make me wonder if she doesn’t know she’s in a terribly written vampire novel. Eric is shunned with the same stupid Seattle excuse, and he “slouches off.” Poor guy, being a nerd is apparently a physical ailment.

Edward happens to be nearby enough to be creepy, and then pulls his car (“a shiny Volvo”) out in front of Bella’s truck so she can’t pull out–which gives Tyler enough time to come up to her window and ask her to the dance. Bella snaps at the poor guy (“I HATE IT WHEN BOYS LIKE ME”) and considers rear-ending the Volvopire.

Bella’s friend Jessica calls her while she’s making dinner, excited to tell her that Mike agreed to go to the dance with her. Bella continues her newfound love of manipulation by suggesting the other two girls at their table ask Eric and Tyler to the dance as well, so she doesn’t have to deal with her awkward and confusing lack of attraction towards anything with male genitalia, I’m sure.

Yes, I’m implying Edward doesn’t have any balls.

Speaking of that freak, he’s hovering around Bella the next morning as she gets out of her car, and catches her keys with inhuman swiftness when she drops them. Bella asks how he can appear out of thin air like that, and he says “It’s not my fault if you’re exceptionally unobservant,” because he clearly loves making his women feel helpless, confused, and crazy. P.S. his eyes have been changing color from black to “warm honey” all chapter, and it’s making me feel helpless, confused, and crazy.

Edward insists that they still shouldn’t be friends, because it’s for the best. Then he asks if Bella needs a ride to Seattle. NOT. AT ALL. CREEPY. No, it’s that he wants to be near her, but they still shouldn’t be near each other. Essentially, he’s artificially created a need for secrecy and inflated the forbidden nature of their relationship.

Bella, being a teenage girl, is hooked.

His last line in the chapter, I swear to God, is

“You really should stay away from me. I’ll see you in class.”

This kid needs medication.

Advertisements

31 Responses to “Chapter Four, when does Bella get likeable?”

  1. LMAO! I love this! You are awesome! I’ve read Twilight, and I am completely repulsed by the purple prose and the disturbing subliminals, i.e. stalking is okay. It gets worse, trust me. MUCH MUCH worse. Just wait until you get to the fourth book. Ugh. *shudders*

    • Right. So he’s saying, ‘Stay away from me!’ yet is trying to escort her around town. MPD, anyone?

      To Abby- Urgh. HATED the last book. Everyone at school was so obbessed with it, but it seriously had no plotline. Meyers is crippled as a writer because all of her characters have to be Mary Sues. Even the villians are classic Draculas.

      • I actually have to disagree with you on that point. I’m definitely NOT saying that any book in this series is an example of the literary genius needed to publish a novel, but the sheer amusement that stems from the wtf-ery of Breaking Dawn totally makes up for the purple prose.

  2. Nothing Says:

    Oh seriously, Dracula had way more class. If you’ve read that novel, Dracula’s a pretty awesome villain and actually has some depth to him. He’s an evil manipulative monster, for sure, but he also seems rather interested in building a family of vampires, etc. He wants to take the main character’s life over, in a very real way. (The family thing kind of reminds me of Carlisle, except much more interesting and cooler, ’cause he’s Dracula, natch.) I highly recommend Bram Stoker’s novel over the Twilight series–it’s one of the classics that actually deserve their status. And at least the non-Cullens actually acted like vampires…

    Having read all four Twilight books, I neither loved them nor hated them with the vitriol this blog evinces. They’re shoddy writing, all right, and the lack of a plot and likeable characters are irksome. Yet, I can say that I’ve read things that are worse and things that are equally bad. Besides, at least the prose isn’t as horrible as Anne Rice’s.

    • Hey! It’s rare to find someone who stays down the middle on the Twilight affection meter. Usually people love the books to pieces or hate them with all their shriveled little hearts.

      I guess my deficiency is that I don’t think I’ve read worse published novels lol I tend to give up on them when I realize they’re not worth my time (such as most of Dan Brown’s body of work).

      Maybe after this I should go pick up “Dracula” and give it a spin, to see what real vampire literature is like.

  3. soranomukou Says:

    “DON’T COME NEAR ME EVER BECAUSE I’M DANGEROUS BUT DO YOU WANT A RIDE IN MY CAR WITH JUST THE TWO OF US FOR ABOUT AN HOUR? :D?”

  4. Ergh… whilst I’ve not read the Twilight series myself, I must say I can firmly agree from what I’ve seen in terms of reviews and stuff that it looks dreadful.

    I just don’t understand how anyone can make characters like Bella who are just so rude to -everyone- who’s being nice to them. I mean in any real situation if someone was like that everyone would just start ignoring them and being a b***h back – except the masochistic nice-nice ones.

    That aside, personally I think that it would make for a much more interesting plot if she -did- date a different guy for the ball to Edward. Whilst I -will- say that when a guy has fancied me who I’m not interested in I’ve sometimes found myself really disliking it, but it’s normally for reasons beyond: “I HATE IT WHEN BOYS LIKE ME.” That, and I -am- a lesbian.

    Regardless, though, I really do have to wonder why rubbish like this gets published. I hear so much that the industry for authors is over-subscribed, but what on earth is clogging up the mill so much that things like this are considered good enough to make the cut? *sigh* What is literature coming to?

    • Looks like we got ourselves a reader Says:

      Why are you quacking about a book you haven’t, by your own admission, even read?

      How can you POSSIBLY agree with comments about something you haven’t read?

      What has being a lesbian got to do with it?

      Are you actually insane?

      • You are going to have a lot of fun here.

      • That is the purpose of these recaps, non? To inform someone who has not read the book and holds no desire to read the books of what occurs in a humerous and critical manner.

        Her comment on being a lesbian is showing that she behaves similarly to Bella when males court her, giving possibly proof that Bella is indeed a lesbian, due to similar responses in situations.

        …Please, attempt to calmly analyse posts before commenting, lest you seem uneducated.

      • lesbians are girls that don’t like boys. they like other girls!

        scandalous!

  5. I am impressed by how big a b*tch Bella can be while still thinking she’s nice. Ok, I get turning down guys that you’re not interested in and I get making up an excuse. But really, you have to hate them for liking you? If they don’t take no for an answer, fine. But aside from hinting at maybe later they all backed off pretty quickly. And I’m sure the other girls are just thrilled to have a chance with Bella’s castoffs. You know, Bella, the Plain Jane, the one that never gets much attention. What the hell do the other chicks look like if Little Miss Average is the major hottie of the school?

    Also, aside from talking like no teenager I’ve ever heard and being all confusing and stalker like (with the added anger/control issues) I’ve been able to detect no actual personality in Edward. So far, it’s just a good thing he’s pretty.

  6. Sarcasmfeeder Says:

    I didn’t notice the ‘stay away from me but I’ll see you in class’, but honestly, do people actually pay other people to pretend to read this stuff and check it? I swear they just hand it to their daughters and let them drool on the mistakes, blurring them so much they can’t check it. All my friend except a select few (few meaning one) are blinded by Edward’s ‘love’ for Bella to notice that he is a stalker and a freak. This friend and I prefer Jacob, who is cool and makes Bella feel HAPPY instead of crummy and not good enough when Edward takes a vacation.

    Marry your werewolf!

    • Looks like we got ourselves a reader Says:

      You do all get that THIS IS A MADE UP STORY don’t you?

      The giveaway is the vampire/werewolf storyline and the fact it is a story presented in book form and classified in FICTION made up by an author purely for entertainment purposes.

      It’s all made up.

      Bella is not real.

      She is a made up character and HOLD THE FRONT PAGE…you don’t have to read it. As with television programmes you don’t enjoy you can turn over/off, with a book you don’t enjoy you can close it and read something else.

      You do all get too that it is aimed at 10 – 16 year olds too, don’t you……DON’T YOU?

      • Are we no longer allowed to critique fiction? Or is it just young adult?

      • One does not have to be 18 to enjoy a book aimed at 18 year olds, just as one does not have to be male to critique male attire.

      • Mirthstrike Says:

        “You do all get too that it is aimed at 10 – 16 year olds too, don’t you……DON’T YOU?”

        So was Harry Potter, but at least Rowling didn’t use that as an excuse to be a total hack.

      • Android 21 3/7 Says:

        “You do all get that THIS IS A MADE UP STORY don’t you?”

        Of course we get it. If we didn’t, we’d probably be forming an angry mob, meet together in Forks, and have ourselves a merry vampire hunt.

        “She is a made up character and HOLD THE FRONT PAGE…you don’t have to read it. As with television programmes you don’t enjoy you can turn over/off, with a book you don’t enjoy you can close it and read something else.”

        Some people enjoy watching such television programs and movies for the pure fun of nitpicking at it and making fun of it.

        If the book series itself wasn’t so popular, we probably wouldn’t have an issue with it. Actually, even if it was still this popular, but the fans weren’t so defensive about it or affected so thoroughly, we probably wouldn’t be as acerbic about it.

        • Looks like we got ourselves a reader Says:

          Oh, right, I get it. You just want to ‘critique’ something that is popular so you get to seem left field and not part of the crowd yourself?

          Bella would really like you then rather than those other POPULAR girls who like dresses and lipstick and bang on about the prom.

          I don’t think you are being acerbic. Just a bit quacky.

          • Android 21 3/7 Says:

            I’m glad you’re back. A debate is no fun when there’s no one to argue with.

            The reason why we don’t like it being this popular is because we don’t like the message it’s giving to impressionable young teenagers. It’s not the “No sex before marriage” thing we’re against. In fact, I am adamant about saving my first time for my husband. What we have a problem with is how this shallow and psychotic relationship is held up as an ideal romance for girls to aspire to. If you look through the book, Bella’s reasons for loving Edward are as follows: He’s really good looking, he sparkles, he’s really really good looking, he’s a vampire who will never age, he’s really really really good looking, he can do just about anything, and he’s really really really really good looking. There are several pages of descriptions about how good looking he is. His physical appearance is the main reason why Bella “loves” him so. And Edward’s reasons basically culminate to “she smells delicious”.

            With just this much, it sounds like any normal high school romance, but then Edward oversteps boundaries. Think honestly about this. You just met a guy. He’s good looking, true. But then suddenly, you find out that he’s been breaking into your house to watch you sleep. Every. Single. Night. This is not only extremely creepy, but a blatant invasion of privacy and a criminal act. And then there’s the fact that he constantly reminds her that he’s a murderer and that if she values her life she would stay away from him. In spite of the fact that he reminds her he’ll see her in class afterward. In spite of the fact that he insists on driving her home to keep her safe. In spite of the fact that he’s been breaking into her house every night to watch her sleep.

      • ladyrebecca Says:

        Yeah, see the real problem, as many other people have said, is that the “romance” part of the books is NOT presented as fantasy. If you remove the vampire aspect from the story, you are left with a seriously abusive boy and a girl with suicidally low self-esteem.

        Meyer purposely wrote Bella nondescript (check out her FAQ’s on her website) so that readers could more easily insert themselves into her shoes. And then spends the ENTIRE series telling the reader how much Bella sucks. Over 70 in the first book Bella mentions how clumsy, plain, slow or weak she is. Over 70 she mentions how gorgeous, strong, smart, talented, etc, the vampires are. She says, regarding Rosaline, and I quote, “The tall one was statuesque. She had a beautiful figure, the kind you saw on the cover of the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue, the kind that made every girl around her take a hit on her self-esteem just by being in the same room” (p. 18).

        I don’t base my self-worth on what other people look like so I don’t really take a “hit” on my self-esteem just because someone else is beautiful. Unfortunately, that part is NOT fantasy, at least not for a lot of people. THAT is just reality in FAR, FAR to many teenage girl’s lives.

        And the fact that it’s aimed at teenagers/young adults is precisely the reason we (at least I) am up in arms. Our daughters might read this drivel and it is our duty to make sure that they are presented with healthy examples of relationships BEFORE they are exposed to this quackery.

        And…it’s fun to rip apart a truly horrendous book. My husband and I would much rather go see a crappy movie than a good movie. A good movie provides about 10 minutes of conversation. But a stinker? HOURS of rip-roaring fun!

  7. “You really should stay away from me. I’ll see you in class.”

    This kid needs medication.

    LMAO! I adore this. It is all so true!

  8. thank god I dont have to read piece of shit literature.

    I love this.

  9. LMAO at “volvopire”.

    i love this so much.

  10. LESBIAN LIKE KANBARU!!!! except not as awesome obviously

    this blog makes me laugh.

  11. The S Ninja Says:

    “You really should stay away from me. I’ll see you in class.”

    FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF-

  12. You know, after that comment, “It’s not my fault if you’re exceptionally unobservant” I had a Snape flashback. Now I want to go through the entire series replacing Edward with Snape… it could be interesting. Certainly no more a trainwreck than has already occurred…

  13. Victoria Says:

    Stephanie Meyer needs medication…

  14. Hahaha! Oh God, “stay away from me. oh wait, I’ll give you lift.” Oooohh, the contradiction… LOLOL

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: