Chapter Five, getting steadily creepier
ADVERB COUNT: 57. Does she have a quota per chapter or something?
BELLA LIKE-O-METER was, for two paragraphs, an 8, but currently hovers around a clueless 4.
At lunch, Bella is understandably nervous and frightened that Edward is going to switch back to hating her for no good God damn reason. This doesn’t stop her from going to his table for lunch where he is sitting, alone, and beckoning to her. Her girl friends go “ooh la la” and the Bella Fan Club glares daggers at the newest stalker.
What follows is some of the more painful dialogue in the “novel” so far. Bella questions why Edward is so friendly towards her again, and he says, quote, “I decided as long as I was going to hell, I might as well do it thoroughly.”
Okay, so–I’m new to this, as this is the first I’ve actually seen it mentioned in regards to “Twilight.” Does Stephenie Meyer actually hold to the bit of vampire lore that states they are the children of the Devil and are doomed to eternal damnation after the shuffle off the charade of their un-life?
And why isn’t Bella creeped the hell out by this startling admission on his part? What exactly is Edward planning to do to her?
Oh, but his face is so angelic, he couldn’t possibly be a bad person.
Edward warns her again that he is not a good friend and they shouldn’t be near each other, all the while smiling and telling her how he’s “giving up” on staying away from her. He even goes so far as to insult her intelligence for continuing to associate with him. This also doesn’t seem to bother Bella in the least.
Edward has the gall to complain that Bella is hard to read. Bella finally finds her nerve, spine, brain, and righteous female anger, and lays into him for being a confusing, manipulative, self-absorbed jerk, who has been playing her like a violin for near seven months now.
Edward changes the subject to how the guys at her table hate him. Oh, wait, what? Distraction ego-stroking. Bella forgets she was angry at him for very valid reasons and continues marveling over how pretty he is. Edward urges her (read: manipulates her) to guess at what he is, and Bella gives a weak guess of “radioactive spiders.” Edward counters with “What if I’m not a superhero? What if I’m the bad guy?” Smiling the whole time, because he knows full and well this wouldn’t deter a single high school girl from pursuing someone. Bella insists he’s not bad (how she thinks she knows this is anybody’s guess) and Edward keeps it up by brooding over how wrong she is.
I would yawn if I didn’t feel my outrage beginning to stir. Maybe it’s the fact that I’m an adult and I was over this years ago, but Edward is pulling such an obviously manipulative plot that I can hardly stand recapping this. This only goes to prove the point further: girls like being treated like garbage.
Bella remembers that she’s at school and is going to be late for class. Edward declares he’s going to skip, because “ditching is healthy every now and then.” Oh, what ever could his reasons be?
In Biology, today’s assignment is blood-typing! Oh Lord.
Even better: Bella faints at the sight of blood! I’m dying over here.
Nothing Wrong With Mike volunteers to take Bella to the nurse. Edward, who was supposed to be ditching, magically and heroically swoops in to save Bella from Nothing Wrong With Mike. In reality, I know this is because Edward feels he is the only man qualified to “take care of her.” They go to the nurse’s office, where Edward confides that he was seriously worried that Mike was dragging her dead body off into the woods to hide it. “Your male friends are all terrible people, you only need me, after all.”
Edward makes fun of her and patronizes her at length for fainting at the sight of blood. She complains that she can smell it, which Edward counters isn’t true, which I counter-counter is so too, because I know exactly what blood smells like. Do people not have bloody noses anymore and I never got the memo? Edward is a bit of a moron, it seems.
Bella recovers. Another kid comes into the office from Biology, and Edward orders Bella outside. She dutifully obeys, much to his surprise. I guess he figured it would take a few more months to program her to following his commands.
Nothing Wrong With Mike meets them out there. He must realize there is something terribly wrong with Edward, and, with a wisdom despite his age, is monitoring Bella for any signs of abuse. Mike reminds Bella of their beach trip (oh right, that), struggling to only give a few details while Edward is present. He probably suspects that Edward would follow them there to stare at Bella more. I am liking Mike more and more.
Bella doesn’t want to go to gym, so Edward chivalrously tells the nurse that Bella needs to be taken home.
Bella attempts to get into her truck to drive herself home and EDWARD THROWS A FIT.
“Where do you think you’re going?” he asked, outraged. He was gripping a fistful of my jacket in one hand.
I was confused. “I’m going home.”
“Didn’t you hear me promise to take you safely home? Do you think I’m going to let you drive in your condition?” His voice was still indignant.
“What condition? And what about my truck?” I complained.
I guess this is supposed to be sweet and thoughtful, but all I see is “YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO DRIVE, I’M THE DRIVER NOW, YOU NEED TO BE TAKEN CARE OF BECAUSE YOU ARE A WEAK AND HELPLESS WOMAN.” When she realizes that resistance is literally futile, because he would just drag her into the car (NOT. AT ALL. CREEPY) she accuses him of being “pushy.” Ooookay.
They continue to talk, much to my chagrin. Bella is told that she seems older than her tender age of seventeen. This is absolutely not true in any regard, so I’m positive this is another ploy of Edward’s to get her further in love with him. Bella agrees with him, saying her mom had said she was “born thirty-five years old, and that I get more middle-aged every year.” Her mom is obviously mentally retarded.
Edward reminds Bella how scary and dangerous he is. I resist barfing. Bella asks if Edward is going to go the beach with them–something she knows is just not going to happen. He declines, and the parting line of the chapter is him telling her not to hurt herself at the beach while he’s not there to save and protect her. Because she is not at all capable of taking care of herself, and has failed to do so for the 17 years she lived before she met this stunning, beautiful, dazzling display of manhood.
He’s so romantic.