Chapter Five, getting steadily creepier

ADVERB COUNT: 57. Does she have a quota per chapter or something?

BELLA LIKE-O-METER was, for two paragraphs, an 8, but currently hovers around a clueless 4.

Dear Lord.

At lunch, Bella is understandably nervous and frightened that Edward is going to switch back to hating her for no good God damn reason. This doesn’t stop her from going to his table for lunch where he is sitting, alone, and beckoning to her. Her girl friends go “ooh la la” and the Bella Fan Club glares daggers at the newest stalker.

What follows is some of the more painful dialogue in the “novel” so far. Bella questions why Edward is so friendly towards her again, and he says, quote, “I decided as long as I was going to hell, I might as well do it thoroughly.”

What.

Okay, so–I’m new to this, as this is the first I’ve actually seen it mentioned in regards to “Twilight.” Does Stephenie Meyer actually hold to the bit of vampire lore that states they are the children of the Devil and are doomed to eternal damnation after the shuffle off the charade of their un-life?

And why isn’t Bella creeped the hell out by this startling admission on his part? What exactly is Edward planning to do to her?

Oh, but his face is so angelic, he couldn’t possibly be a bad person.

Edward warns her again that he is not a good friend and they shouldn’t be near each other, all the while smiling and telling her how he’s “giving up” on staying away from her. He even goes so far as to insult her intelligence for continuing to associate with him. This also doesn’t seem to bother Bella in the least.

Edward has the gall to complain that Bella is hard to read. Bella finally finds her nerve, spine, brain, and righteous female anger, and lays into him for being a confusing, manipulative, self-absorbed jerk, who has been playing her like a violin for near seven months now.

GOOD GIRL

Edward changes the subject to how the guys at her table hate him. Oh, wait, what? Distraction ego-stroking. Bella forgets she was angry at him for very valid reasons and continues marveling over how pretty he is. Edward urges her (read: manipulates her) to guess at what he is, and Bella gives a weak guess of “radioactive spiders.” Edward counters with “What if I’m not a superhero? What if I’m the bad guy?” Smiling the whole time, because he knows full and well this wouldn’t deter a single high school girl from pursuing someone. Bella insists he’s not bad (how she thinks she knows this is anybody’s guess) and Edward keeps it up by brooding over how wrong she is.

I would yawn if I didn’t feel my outrage beginning to stir. Maybe it’s the fact that I’m an adult and I was over this years ago, but Edward is pulling such an obviously manipulative plot that I can hardly stand recapping this. This only goes to prove the point further: girls like being treated like garbage.

Bella remembers that she’s at school and is going to be late for class. Edward declares he’s going to skip, because “ditching is healthy every now and then.” Oh, what ever could his reasons be?

In Biology, today’s assignment is blood-typing! Oh Lord.

Even better: Bella faints at the sight of blood! I’m dying over here.

Nothing Wrong With Mike volunteers to take Bella to the nurse. Edward, who was supposed to be ditching, magically and heroically swoops in to save Bella from Nothing Wrong With Mike. In reality, I know this is because Edward feels he is the only man qualified to “take care of her.” They go to the nurse’s office, where Edward confides that he was seriously worried that Mike was dragging her dead body off into the woods to hide it. “Your male friends are all terrible people, you only need me, after all.”

I’m paraphrasing.

Edward makes fun of her and patronizes her at length for fainting at the sight of blood. She complains that she can smell it, which Edward counters isn’t true, which I counter-counter is so too, because I know exactly what blood smells like. Do people not have bloody noses anymore and I never got the memo? Edward is a bit of a moron, it seems.

Bella recovers. Another kid comes into the office from Biology, and Edward orders Bella outside. She dutifully obeys, much to his surprise. I guess he figured it would take a few more months to program her to following his commands.

Nothing Wrong With Mike meets them out there. He must realize there is something terribly wrong with Edward, and, with a wisdom despite his age, is monitoring Bella for any signs of abuse. Mike reminds Bella of their beach trip (oh right, that), struggling to only give a few details while Edward is present. He probably suspects that Edward would follow them there to stare at Bella more. I am liking Mike more and more.

Bella doesn’t want to go to gym, so Edward chivalrously tells the nurse that Bella needs to be taken home.

Bella attempts to get into her truck to drive herself home and EDWARD THROWS A FIT.

“Where do you think you’re going?” he asked, outraged. He was gripping a fistful of my jacket in one hand.

I was confused. “I’m going home.”

“Didn’t you hear me promise to take you safely home? Do you think I’m going to let you drive in your condition?” His voice was still indignant.

“What condition? And what about my truck?” I complained.

I guess this is supposed to be sweet and thoughtful, but all I see is “YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO DRIVE, I’M THE DRIVER NOW, YOU NEED TO BE TAKEN CARE OF BECAUSE YOU ARE A WEAK AND HELPLESS WOMAN.” When she realizes that resistance is literally futile, because he would just drag her into the car (NOT. AT ALL. CREEPY) she accuses him of being “pushy.” Ooookay.

They continue to talk, much to my chagrin. Bella is told that she seems older than her tender age of seventeen. This is absolutely not true in any regard, so I’m positive this is another ploy of Edward’s to get her further in love with him. Bella agrees with him, saying her mom had said she was “born thirty-five years old, and that I get more middle-aged every year.” Her mom is obviously mentally retarded.

Edward reminds Bella how scary and dangerous he is. I resist barfing. Bella asks if Edward is going to go the beach with them–something she knows is just not going to happen. He declines, and the parting line of the chapter is him telling her not to hurt herself at the beach while he’s not there to save and protect her. Because she is not at all capable of taking care of herself, and has failed to do so for the 17 years she lived before she met this stunning, beautiful, dazzling display of manhood.

He’s so romantic.

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37 Responses to “Chapter Five, getting steadily creepier”

  1. Hey, your blog is fantastic !!! It’s really funny. I read the first Twilight book a few years back (I must have been 14 I think) and I actually liked it… so much in fact that I stopped right there because I thought the next ones were going to be crap. (And apparently, I was right. Yeah, I know, I LIKED the book, but I didn’t have a critic analysis at all. I was still young and stupid… :P)
    What also got me fed up with that book was all the publicity it got. I mean, it was a good book… But not THAT much… Anyway, since I actually like to read funny criticism, I had a look through some posts of your blog.
    And the more I read, the more I realize that you’re RIGHT ! (Well, there are a few things on which I would have loved to debate but anyway…) So I’m kinda rediscovering the book with you.
    Thank you !!!

    • What also got me fed up with that book was all the publicity it got. I mean, it was a good book… But not THAT much…

      I agree with you, actually! If this series hadn’t gotten the press and publicity it had, and if it hadn’t been shoved at me as OMG THE BEST ROMANCE EVER I wouldn’t have even cared. I’m not recapping Harlequin $2.50 romance paperbacks, am I?

      You don’t need to make excuses for liking Twilight LOL I really love to overthink this sort of thing, and I am a huge snob when it comes to books. My trash is ttly another million people’s gold, apparently.

      • So you actually criticize/flame/destroy books and authors as a hobby ? My, but I must say I’m amused ! :P
        But out of strange curiosity, what type of books do you love in the OMG-BEST-BOOK-EVER-LET’S-JUMP-OFF-A-CLIFF way ? And have you ever done what you did for twilight for other books ?
        Anyway, just finished your whole Twilight criticism and it was HILARIOUS ! Anyway, I never read New Moon and never will, but what I WILL do is continue to read your blog ! (If that’s even English… O.o …sorry, French girl here, me no speak English perfect)

      • (your English is better than most Americans’ I know, don’t worry about it ;P)

        It’s not so much that I flame books as a hobby lol I guess it’s more that I like to make people laugh by poking fun at things. I had friends who would invite me over to watch movies specifically because I would keep a running MST3K-like dialogue through the whole thing.

        My absolute hands-down favorite series right now is George R.R. Martin’s “A Song of Ice and Fire.” Incredible characters, gripping plot, and a nearly snark-proof setting. The man is amazing and I hope some day I can be blessed with his powers. ….It’s essentially the exact opposite of Twilight LOL

        I’ve never done this before for the internet to see. This was sort of a whim. I was writing the recaps for my friends, and then thought maybe I should put them on a blog so my family could see them too. And then the link got passed around, and now a few thousand people are laughing at my pain. :P

  2. Oh so it’s a first time ? Then let me tell you that you’re already really good at it ! I mean, just imagine how flame-ly (to imitate SMeyer) you’ll be in ten years ! I can just picture the Times comment (cause you’ll have become famous, of course) ! And every writer in the country will wish that you never read his/her book and refuse to sign one for you ! lol

    Anyway, I had heard about G. RR Martin’s series, but I actually never took the time to read it. Mainly because I was hooked on the Sword of Truth series (by Terry Goodkind. Have you read it ?) and Kushiel Legacy (Jacqueline Carey). But since YOU say it’s amazing, well, I just HAVE to check it out, you know ? To make my own opinion about it, so then we can have a debate ! (Nothing so good as a debate ^^)

    Hey, do you have any plans for this sort of criticism, after you’ve finished the whole Twilight series ?

    Oh, and by the way, I just couldn’t help sending your blog’s adress to some of my friends… (some of them who actually LOVE Twilight… can’t wait to see their reaction !)

    Okay, see you ! I’m getting started on New Moon recaps. (Oh, and btw, how many times do you recap ? Every day ? Once a week ? Once in a while ?)

    • I REALLY recommend GRRM’s stuff lol I have friends who hate it and love it (oddly enough, for the same reasons) and talking about it is a lot of fun.

      I’m not sure what I’m going to do after Twilight. I’m afraid to write about good books, I don’t think it would be as funny LOL

      I try to have a recap every other day :) Sometimes once every three days, when I get busy.

      • soranomukou Says:

        I recommend “Eragon”? It’s ripe for the abusing, and honestly, I really can’t be bothered. I could help you though, I have purchased all three books for my piss-taking needs. :D

        • Sarcasmfeeder Says:

          Don’t you dare say a single abusive word about Eragon. It’s awesome. A bit thick, but not Lord of the Rings terrible. Seriously, LOTR is impossible to even make a tiny dent it. It’s like trying to carve David with a paperclip.

          • …Is that not similar to the attitude of those who sing praise of the Twilight saga?

            Every book has flaws in writing style, and do not claim otherwise.

  3. One thing that I kept thinking as I read this series was:

    “What kind of guy (or even person) would go back to high school as a 107 year old?”

    Even if he LOOKED 17, he could easily say he was 18 or 21 or something. Tons of HS kids do it today. It’s called a fake ID.

    Oh, and I also wondered a lot, “What kind of 107 year old vampire, who is described as ‘beautiful’ (and a whole slew of other synonyms) every frickin’ minute, would be a virgin?”

    Yeah right, pull the other one, Eddie. It has bells on it. XD

    • Right, exactly! With how smart he obviously is, he could have skipped the whole high school thing and I don’t know got a job. The same goes for all the rest of them. There must be fake IDs in this family somewhere. How else would Carlisle be able to pose as a doctor?

      And yeah, the whole virgin thing… ugh. He was 17. For 90 years. He would have had sex at some point. Especially when the moral void finally hit him. He’s dead. He didn’t go to Heaven, or Hell. He just died. And he’s still here. Obviously moral code means nothing. Being raised in the late 1800s/early 1900s, he would have had a sticky view of sex to begin with, but now that he is free from social mores (being as he is DEAD)…

      But then, I’m assuming an intelligent author.

      • Of course, I’m a bigger fan of vampires with personalities and vices and sins who revel in their darkness and bloody tendencies. Not these cleaned up, “sparkly” ones. The former is interesting, the latter just makes me roll my eyes until I think I’m gonna get eye strain. XD

        Also, unrelated, but I HATE HATE HATE how the author’s perpetuating the stereotype that girls like jerks. That nice guys finish last because girls like being treated like garbage. URGH! Then again, maybe since Eddie likes HS chicks so much (and that is not at all creepy from a 107 year old guy, nope, not at all, not one bit, doesn’t even raise an eyebrow…) his thinking is skewed. Never working or getting out into the “real world” and constantly being around melodramatic, hormone-y teenagers has got to do something to your mind after a while.

      • IHateTwilight Says:

        Yeah! Why the heck would someone go back to highschool?!?! i wouldn’t. (unfortunatly im still /in/ highschool…)

    • Sarcasmfeeder Says:

      Have you read the last book? It addresses both of those issues. And yet is still stupid. Maybe she got help from a vaguely intelligent cousin or something (Oops, I only used one adverb. I now sorrily address you readers very extra quickly sadly about this very sad sickeningly sad display of dis-adverb-ly sadness.)

  4. Katie Cole Says:

    “This only goes to prove the point further: girls like being treated like garbage.”

    This made me think of an episode of The IT Crowd. Have you ever seen/heard of it? One of the main characters tries to prove to his friend Jen that woman like guys who are “bastards”.

    Sadly I think some women do tend to dig guys who are total a-holes. As for me, I would gladly take Nothing Wrong with Mike. So there. HA.

    Ugh why can’t, for like 2 minutes, fictional characters come to life so that I can punch them/pick up the perfectly fine boys they reject?

  5. Okay, I will admit it! I read twilight a few months after it came out, before all the hype was going on, and I LOVED IT! Such a turn from my normal fantasy kinda crap tweeny stuff (I was like 12), and I really liked it. I devoured it over and over again from the library and friends. Then, EVERYONE was reading it, and the books after. It was horrible. I’ve since moved on, but I will always hold a special place in my heart for the books. Except Breaking Dawn. I have read better fanfiction than that load of crap (And yes, I did read twilight fanfiction. Sad, really). Though one good thing came out of twilight becoming popular; I lost interest and moved onto “smarter” tv shows. Bones, in particular. Then onto the novels bones is based off of, by Kathy Reichs. I love them! I’ve always loved the more intricate plots, but my brain became mush after Twilight :). Now, I’m going after older literature. I am almost a year sober of Twilight. (almost rehab, actual good novels are!)

  6. soranomukou Says:

    Bella IS a lesbian, didn’t you see her staring at Jessica’s boobs when they were trying out the dress in them movie?

    [/was forced to watch it by her friend]

    D:

    I WAS FORCED TO WATCH TWILIGHT AND READ IT

    IT’S SUCH A SOB STORY. ):

    • Movie!Jessica’s boobs were epic.

    • I went and watched the movie because a girl I liked invited me.

      I don’t like her anymore. Mainly because I had to pay for a boring movie. And for her and her friends.

      • soranomukou Says:

        …):

        We should go on Jeremy Kyle. This story will evoke tears in many a person. ):

      • Looks like we got ourselves a reader Says:

        You sound like a lovely friend to not have.

        • I believe it is perfectly rational to dislike a person if forced to pay for several persons to watch a movie that does not interest you. Money is not on easy access, and cinemas are not cheap.

        • Android 21 3/7 Says:

          You missed the point. It wasn’t because the girl invited him to a movie. It was because he had to pay for himself, for her, and for all the friends she brought with her. The ending wouldn’t be the same if each one of them paid for their own ticket.

  7. For starters, he’s a virgin?!?!?!?! Really? REALLY! 107 freaking years and he hasn’t gotten laid. Well, that explains why he’s insane. Are the rest of the vampires virgins too? Or is he the only ‘good’ one?

    I have learned, in my age and wisdom, that when a guy tells you that he’s a bad person then he usually is. At the very least this should be a strong warning sign. I’ll admit when I was younger I was more inclined to disbelieve them because they were nice to ME. But if a guy repeatedly tells me he’s a bad person and to stay away from him and had been messing with my mind for months I’d like to think that even at 17 I’d believe him. As I said before, it’s a good thing for him that he’s cute.

    Oh yeah, classic ploy to get teenage girls, tell them they act more mature than they are. I do have to wonder though, I’m 30 and I don’t like hanging out with 17 year old kids, nothing wrong with them, but everyone’s young and stupid at that age. I was too. How can Edward stand it. Peter Pan complex? Don’t care how he looks, he’s a pedophile. Younger than him is one thing, but going after jail bait…….. I feel queasy.

  8. Android 21 3/7 Says:

    This is barely relevant, but I have nosebleeds all the time and I have no idea how blood smells. I know it tastes salty (don’t look at me that way. That blood comes from dental visits), but what DOES blood smell like?

  9. ^Yeah, it smells like rust..

    Anyway, i love this whole blog, it rocks Edwards non-existent balls off! lol. I actually do not strongly hate the series per se but i don’t love it. I hate the fact that it has been put under the OMG-FUCKING-BEST-ROMANCE-NOVEL-FUCKING-EVER section, and has sold a billion trillion copies. It is not at all even good enough to get to the OMG part. Are there really that many hormonal, real-literature deprived teenage girls in this world? I love what the blogger said in another entry- Twilight is internet fanfiction. I agree 100%. Not even close to anything i’d rate as well-written. But apparently to most teenagers Twilight is like the Bible of manpire awesomeness. lol.
    Edward = psychopathic stalker who has a thing for girls that smell like bacon and have no thoughts. Bella = Mentally AND physically disabled girl who is attracted to people who could rip her apart and eat her. Perfect match!!

    BEST PLOT EVER.

  10. Oh and in Eclipse (or Breaking Dawn, idk, i’ve lost track)—

    Bella: OMG SEX!

    ———————–

    Jacob: I LOVE BELLA FOREVER. BELLA. BELLA. BELLA. BELLA. BELLA. BELLA….. OOH! A PRETTY BABY!

  11. lol ur blog is fab i love it.
    Wat i found funny is that i actually bought the book before it was famous and decided it was crap after a couple chapters and stopped reading. Then when it was famous my friends were like ‘OMG TWILIGHT IS SO AWSM READ IT ARG’ so i did. And i read it all and though it was ok. I had forgotton it was the book i thought was crap until i found it in my lounge. Then i teased my friends. Lol. Edward is such a retard….

    PS im 14 and i dont get it either. Only 2 of the people i know actually think it’s good.

  12. ladyrebecca Says:

    My husband cracked open to a random page, read, “Human’s can’t smell blood” and his face turned purple, he threw the book across the room, pulled his non-existent hair out, and began jumping up and down while screaming. (psst…he’s not a Twilight fan)

    It was hilarious.

  13. fangirlfiction Says:

    I definitely picked the wrong time to find this blog– one and a half days left of NaNoWriMo and I still have about 5k to write. Oh well. I’d just like to say that I pretty much agree with everything you’ve written (I’m only up to this entry so far) and this blog is my new Bible. I am constantly amazed every day by how such a poorly written piece of crap that shouldn’t even be called literature has become as big as it has. And Twilight does its job well. It’s like a vortex that sucks in teenage girls unable to read critically and notice that there is probably writing on fanfiction.net that is written a hundred times better.

    I have been trying to tell my friends for months that Twilight is shit but they refuse to listen to me. As I’m a diehard Harry Potter fan, maybe they don’t take me seriously. But if you take Stephenie Meyer’s “novels” seriously you’ll realise just how ridiculous it is, and should be shoved on a shelf behind the Mills & Boon. I love what you are doing and thank you. I cannot wait until you reach Breaking Dawn (or as I call it, Failing Dawn).

    ~Kass

  14. Smeyer probably put that blood thing in there so every teenage girl can be like, “ZOMG! I CAN SMELL BLOOD TOO! BELLA AND I HAVE SO MUCH IN COMMON!!”

  15. I noticed that you said that there’s nothing wrong with Mike. Well, I disagree. Obviously he’s *just* a mere human, not fit for saintly Bella to interact with.

  16. Victoria Says:

    Edward=stalker

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