Chapter Eight proves that Bella is a colossal moron

ADVERB COUNT: 79. 79!! I really think I’m on to something with this whole “Edward makes adverbs” theory.

BELLA LIKE-O-METER is a haughty 2 and a half.

Good lord, this is getting ridiculous.

Bella and her grrl-friends go shopping in Port Angeles. I have to admit, I have not actually been to Port Angeles, so I am currently googling it. It looks like Smeyer got close to right on the name of the restaurant they go to–it’s Bella Italia, not La Bella Italia. A minor point.

An aside, I would also like to tell you that, much to my horror, there is a Twilight-related gift shop in P.Angeles called “Dazzled By Twilight.” Barf barf barf barf.

I guess I should actually recap this chapter. Where was I? Bella and her grrl-friends are shopping for dresses. It’s thrilling stuff. When they finish, Bella decides that what she’s always wanted to do is wander aimlessly through a town she’s unfamiliar with, alone, with no protection, and so she does so. Her friends barely argue. Something about a book store. I’m alarmed that a girl from Phoenix Freaking Arizona is totally okay with going anywhere on her own, until I remember that this is Bella we’re talking about. And they say Darwin got it wrong.

She attempts to find a bookstore, and is disappointed to find only a New Age store, with crystals, beaded curtains, and a white-haired hippy woman at the counter. Sweetheart, welcome to Western Washington. Gird your loins and clear your chakras.

After more aimless meandering, thinking desperately of Edward, Bella realizes that she’s alone, in a dark part of town, at night, with a group of rough-looking men leering at her. And is somehow shocked.

Sigh.

Bella attempts to outpace her would-be attackers, and is caught in a clever trap, only to have Edward come out of nowhere in the Volvopire and save her. She does not even question why he is here, she simply follows his barked commands and gets in his car. I would say this is out of the frying pan and into the oven, but we are getting beat over the head with how “safe” Bella feels around him, so I’m not surprised to see that all she does is moon at him for being a hero.

Edward is livid–probably because his future snack almost got herself offed–and explains that he has a problem with his temper, and that he is considering running the hoodlums down and murdering them. We are supposed to be awed by his dedication to protecting Bella. I am wondering when he’s going to snap and Bella has to start telling stories about how she “fell down the stairs.”

Bella is driven back to the Italian restaruant her friends were going to meet her at, rather than the police station. I mean, duh, what could they possibly do? She is shocked that Edward knew which restaurant to go to. Her friends are understandably scared and are glad to see she’s okay, although both of them are wary of Edward suddenly appearing out of freaking nowhere to save her. They’ve already eaten–Edward insists that he is buying Bella dinner and then driving her home personally, despite her protests. This is romantic and not controlling. This is romantic and not controlling. This is romantic and not controlling.

Edward charms the pants off the greeter, and this lovely exchange occurs:

“You really shouldn’t do that to people,” I criticized. “It’s hardly fair.”

“Do what?”

“Dazzle them like that–she’s probably hyperventilating in the kitchen right now.”

He seemed confused. […] He tilted his head to one side, and his eyes were curious. “I dazzle people?”

“You haven’t noticed? Do you think everyone gets their way so easily?”

He ignored my questions. “Do I dazzle you?

If only I didn’t already have my tagline.

Dinner is… awkward? Awkward is a good word. The manpire attempts once again to explain just how dangerous he is by telling Bella if she hadn’t had dinner with him he probably would have committed a few murders tonight. He admits that he can read minds and that’s how he knew they were going to Port Angeles–he followed her here. Bella at this point thinks to herself “Should I be upset that he’s following me?” and immediately dismisses this.

I clutch at my skull in despair.

He also makes a point of mentioning this is actually the third time he’s saved her life–the first being that time in Biology when he totally almost ate her. You guys remember that? What a riot! Oh man, she dodged a bullet there.

They start their drive home, wherein Edward indicates that it’s Bella’s turn to start talking. Oh, this should be rich.

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8 Responses to “Chapter Eight proves that Bella is a colossal moron”

  1. 1. There are no less than three book stores within one block of Bella Italia. Two of them are named ” * Book.” I should know, I cleaned all of them out.

    2. Bella Italia was a place I went to twice. Once they forgot to bring us bread. It had less flavor, less atmosphere, and higher prices than an Olive Garden.

    3. I’ve walked the ‘mean streets’ of Port Angeles at night. Granted, I’m a male in the supposed prime of life with a military haircut, but…there IS no bad part of town, at least not within walking distance of Bella Italia. Cops practically circle that block because the town thinks it’s picturesque, and they want to keep it touristy. If you go north, you hit more shopping. East is where I lived…arguable the worst part of town, but hardly bad. West are the docks.

    It all works at a setting, but it’s not exactly true to life.

  2. Not to mention, Bella stated earlier in the chapter that the other girls had been to the beach several times before, and while she was interested in going to the beach, Jessica and Angela had BTDT and didn’t want to.

    Guess who went to the beach while Shpeshul Snowflake went to the bookstore?

  3. Sarcasmfeeder Says:

    I need a Volvopire.

  4. hahaha… LOVE the Firefly reference.

  5. I love your summaries. I was tricked into reading the books by otherwise intelligent friends telling me how wonderful and interesting the books were. I read all four in the desperate hope that they would get better, while at the same time, loosing all faith in almost an entire generation of women. Your thoughts on Twilight pretty much mirror my own, and I consider it to be the best in the series.
    Also a fan of Firefly, but completely missed the reference…

  6. ladyrebecca Says:

    Where is the Firefly reference? I, too, am a fan but missed it completely.

  7. Let’s not forget that one of her would-be attackers was wearing cut-off jeans and sandals. Such menace, such horror!

  8. arandomhuman Says:

    OMG! WHY R MEN ATTRACTED TO HER!!!!! she’s not even that pretty!!!! WTH??? it’s like ppl stalking her all the time and trying to rape her?!!
    this is book is SOOOO thrilling and incredible–NOT!! luv this blog though:)

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